From Day 1
by Akikofuma
Summary: 12 year old Jim meets a 12 year old Spock as Sarek takes his son along to live on earth for a year. Being in the same class, Jim and Spock become friends. But after the year is up, Spock is forced to return to Vulcan. How will they react once they meet again a few years later? Will they still be friends, or will there be even more? SLOW BUILDING SpockxKirk. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Beginnings

So, after taking a long break from writing, I am finally pack and with a new fandom! Honestly, I grew up with Star Trek since I was 5 years old and my grandfather decided to pick me up and sit me on his lap to watch together. I have to admit, though my love for it was always strong, it did get buried under all the other books, movies and series I enjoyed. But the Star Trek made in 2009 and Star Trek into Darkness reminded me just how much I loved Star Trek.

So after a long time of thinking about it, debating different ideas, and getting a working laptop that I could work with, here is my first shot at Spirk.

Now, I want to make very clear that if you are looking for some short story filled with smutt and the kinds, this is the wrong story for you. It will build slowly. VERY slowly. I have read my fair share of "Oh, I love you, Jim" "Oh I love you too, let's go at it like rabbits." stories. I'm going to take this nice and slow, and not throw in random Pon farr just to get some sex scene. Many of you might get bored with my story, just because it will be a long one. For those that are looking for more than

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The first thought that crossed the mind of a 12 year old Jim Tiberius Kirk concerning the Vulcan boy that was being introduced by his teacher was "_Well, he's odd." _

Of course he had been told before hand that their class would be joined by a Vulcan, and even though Jim had seen pictures of them, and heard more stories about them then he really cared for, the child that stood before the class was different then he had imagined.

For starters, his hair cut was the most hideous thing he had ever seen. Almost as if his mother had put a pot on his head and just cut off the hair that dared to peek out under it. Of course, the pointy ears were a sight as well, but Jim had known about those.

The hint of green on his skin made the boy look sick, as if he was going to throw up this breakfast any second now.

But what irked Jim the most was the expression on his face, or more so, the lack of it. He stared across the room, eyes perfectly focused on the white wall as he was introduced. His features were fine, almost feminine. Jim couldn't help to think that he would have made a pretty human girl, if you took away all the Vulcan features.

The way he stood, his back straight, arms clasped at the small of his back just didn't seem natural, as if someone had stuck a grown up mind into a child's body.

All in all, Jim was not impressed.

"Children, this is Spock. He's going to be in our class this year. Please be nice to him. He is far from home, and I'm sure he could use a friend or two."

Jim had to suppress a snort. He couldn't imagine that anyone would want to be friends with someone like Spock. And as if the Vulcan had heard his thoughts, a soft, but firm voice arose from te boy.

"I am sorry; Mrs. Winter, but Vulcans do not have friends. Friends are a purely human sentiment. I ask you kindly not to encourage anyone to try and force that kind of human behavior on me."

The teacher just smiled down at Spock who had now turned his attention to her, and nodded.

"Of course, Spock, I apologize. Please go sit next to Jim. It's the only free space we have right now." Spock's gaze swept over the room and finally came to a halt at the free space next to him. Slowly, the alien made his way over to sit next to Jim, sitting down silently.

Jim decided that, despite the horrible first impression the Vulcan had made, he would at least be polite. He turned to Spock and said "Hey. My name's Jim."

"I have already been informed of your name. It is illogical to repeat it to me." Spock answered his expression blank as he looked at the board.

"Well yeah, but its considered rude if you don't tell someone your name in person here on earth ya know. " Jim couldn't help but smile. This boy was so odd, and different, that he was almost interesting.

"I was unaware." And for the first time, Spock actually looked at him. "I am Spock."

"Well, it's good to meet you Spock. I'm sure we'll have tons of fun." Another grin split the young humans face.

"Fun is also a sentiment only carried by humans. It isn't logical." The weird looking brows furrowed, and Jim couldn't help but laugh. This guy really had no idea about humans. But then, did he know much about Vulcans?

"It's something humans say to make the other person feel more comfortable. You know. Show we mean no harm. Man, I may not know much about Vulcans, but you sure as hell know nothing about humans, do you? I thought Vulcans are supposed to be all kinds of brainy."

"I have to admit that my study on human behavior and rituals are not as satisfactory as I believed them to be when I left Vulcan. I was hoping that my knowledge would be sufficient. Yet, Vulcans are considered to have a higher level of intelligence then humans."

Jim chuckled. "Well, it isn't even close. Here, how about this. I teach you about our illogical human rituals as you call them, and you'll teach me a little about Vulcans. For example, here's your first lesson: Saying you are smarter than someone else will get you in trouble. It's insulting."

"How can stating a fact be an insult? My people ha-"

He was quickly interrupted by Jim bursting into laughter. This did not only earn him a confused look from Spock, but also drew the attention of his teacher to him.

"Jim Kirk, quiet down. You're interrupting the class. I am sure whatever you were laughing about will be funny as well once school is over."

Jim flashed his most dazzling smile at his teacher. "Of course Mrs. Winter. I'm sorry. I'll pay attention now." He turned to Spock, whispering "I'll explain later. I have to pay attention. Math isn't my best subject anyway." And with that, the conversation between the two boys died away, as they both paid attention to the material the

* * *

teacher was teaching them.

So, here is the first chapter. Short, but it was really only to start the story off. Let me know what you think.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma.


	2. Emotional Overload

And here comes the second chapter. Once more I want to stress that this is a slowly building story, and I will spend a lot of time with Jim and Spock being children.

As you may notice, I do not lean on a lot of things that others do. I decided to wing it, and simply go with what feels right.

I hope that you can still enjoy my story.

"Jim, this is the third time you have asked me to join you for 'fun' after school in the last three days. What gives you the impression that my decision will change?" Spock asked, trying to suppress the feeling of light annoyance as he stared at the human boy, trying to keep his face as blank as possible.

"Because three is a lucky number, Spock. One day you will give in, simply to shut me up, I know it. So I'll keep asking, and someday, you'll say yes. "came the cheeky reply from Jim as he smirked at him, waiting patiently as their teacher handed back the math exams they had taken only a day before.

"So you are trying to wear me down." Spock stated, his eyebrows furrowing together ever so slightly like they did so much around Jim. Gracefully the Vulcan accepted the test back, passively looking it over before laying it down in front of him.

"Woah, Spock, you didn't make one mistake. How do you do that? I mean, come on. That's ridiculous." Jim huffed, his own exam being splattered in red ink. "I tell you, this stuff just doesn't make sense. At all. How come it's so easy for you?"

"As I have stated before, Vulcans are in general more intelligent. Also, your failure is conditioned by your constant lack of attention and your refusal to sit down and study. "Spock stated flatly.

"Spock, we already went over the whole 'I'm smarter then you' thing. And I do try to study. It just doesn't make sense. My step dad is going to kill me." He groaned, resting his forehead against the cool wood of his desk. "I don't know what to do anymore. Anything else is easy but this.. this won't ever go into my head."

Spock turned to examine the human sitting next to him. Jim's posture was tense, his shoulders pulled up, his eyes closed. Those always smiling lips were pressed to a thin line. He looked utterly helpless, and pitiful. Spock felt something rise within him. Sympathy. How often had he feared that his father would not be pleased with his achievement, academically or not? How often had he dreaded to return to Sarek with bad news? Of course he would never admit to ever having such feelings, but he could not help but remember how he felt back then.

"Jim." He heard himself say, taking a deep breath, trying to steady the turmoil in him that as about to unravel deep inside him. "I will tutor you, if you stop asking me to 'hang out' as you word it. It will help you improve on your next exam."

The sudden smile on Jim's face almost made Spock flinch. It radiated. A smile Spock only knew from one other person, and he felt some sort of connection.

"You'd do that for me? Awesome, Spock, thank you. We can meet in the library, and you can try and make me understand. You're a good friend." And with that, all seemed well in the world of Jim Kirk.

Spock shook his head in defeat. Not that he disliked Jim. Dislike is an emotion. But Jim Kirk kept surprising him with his words, with his actions, generally anything he did. He had been told humans were irrational and became attached quickly, but Jim barely knew him and was already calling him a friend.

As Spock muttered his usual respond to such a statement, that Vulcans did not have friends, and that he was only doing this to get him off his back, his chest seemed to swell ever so slightly. He, Spock, Son of Sarek, had a friend.

His mother had told him about her friends and while it had always seemed so illogical to Spock, and he still tried to force himself to not feel anything, he was starting to see what a friendship meant, what it could be. He listened to Jim blabbered on, but his mind was wandering.

"Hey, Spock, are you even listening?" Jims question pulled the Vulcan boy from his thoughts.

"I apologize. I was thinking."

"Well, don't think too much or your brain will bust. Anyway, I said that we could meet in the library after we both went home and had lunch. Frank gets cranky when I don't show up for lunch. But after that, we can spend all day trying to make me smarter." The same boyish grin was plastered on his face and Spock sighed once more.

"I will meet you at the library at 3 p.m. , do not be late." And with that, the conversation was once more over, but Jim couldn't hide a small smirk.

School ended too quickly for Jims taste. As he made his way home, the exam in his backpack weighed a ton. He had to get it signed by his so called Step Father. He bit his lower lip. How his mother had thought it a good idea to leave her sons with this bastard was beyond him. Sam was already gone. He was left.

Of course, he could have run as well, but then Frank would have been alone with the only thing Jim had left of his father. The car his father had driven when he was still alive. Frank drove it, of course, but Jim just had a feeling that if he left as well, the car would be sold. His mother had never been able to stand up to Frank.

She had left to space, leaving her sons with the psycho as Jim liked to call Frank.

Frank was rotten from the core, and Jim hated him with a passion. Whenever Frank was drunk, and h was drunk almost all the time, he was so angry. Nothing and nobody was good enough for him in this state, and while Frank was bad when he was just drunk, Jim knew he got worse when he had to sign for another failed exam.

It did not matter that Jim passed everything else with flying colors, that his IQ was already off the charts. It just wasn't good enough. He would scream, grip his arm so much it hurt, and then just shove him out of the kitchen without lunch. A normal routine. A routine Jim had gotten used to long ago.

The worst was the neglect. No one looked after him. Not that he couldn't look after himself, but he always missed his mother's loving touch. The way she'd smile at him, praise him, and put him to bed. But those memories were far away, from a time long gone. All he had left was himself.

And as he walked toward the door, he could already hear the screams echoing in his ears from the last time he had brought home a bad mark. He could still feel those strong fingers curled around his arm, the bruises they left. His steps grew slower.

He wanted to turn and run, run from Frank, his house, everything. He wanted to hide himself away, but there was nowhere to run. No place to hide. He was all alone.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for just a second, before he stepped onto the porch, opened the door and walked in.

Frank was already hitting the bottle pretty hard. Empty glass bottles littered the floor, and Jim shook his head.

"What are you looking at boy?!" The angry voice made Jim jump.

"Nothing, Frank. Just admiring the view."

"You watch your mouth, boy. I told you to call me Sir. Now get over here. Your teacher called, said she needed to talk to me about your grades. Get yer ass over here, boy!"

'Don't feel.' Jim told himself. 'Don't back down.' He walked over to Frank who was standing by the door to the kitchen. 'Just get it over with.'

For once he wished he was like Spock. That he could just not _feel._ To be as controlled and disciplined as the Vulcan. But he wasn't. He was a human.

Quickly he pulled the exam from his backpack, handing it over to his step-father.

"This is probably what she was talking about, _Sir._" He said, looking up at Frank as calmly as possible. Frank didn't even take the time to look at the test for more than a second before the bottle in his hand went flying toward the wall.

"You worthless piece of shit! How can one human being be so stupid?! Do you know how that will reflect on me when your mother comes home and her good for nothing son is failing?!" Jim tried to back away slowly, but Frank had already grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him into the kitchen.

Gathering all his courage he spat out "Maybe she'll see what a good for nothing husband she has and throw your ass onto the street where you belong!"

The fist hit him unexpectedly and it took a second for the pain to set in. His lip burnt, burnt like someone was pressing a hot piece of metal onto it. He slowly let his tongue run over it, and his taste buds were greeted by the coppery taste of blood.

"Shut your mouth, you ungrateful son of a bitch! You should be thankful I look after you now that your dad is dead and your mum left you behind!" The anger in the adult's voice dripped off his words like poison.

"She didn't leave me behind, she had to go!" Jim screamed back, struggling against the ever strong grip Frank had on his wrist. "If she had known what a Monster you are, she wouldn't have gone! She would have stayed!"

Frank pulled him over to the table, roughly forcing Jim to lay down on his stomach, pulling out the belt he was wearing, one hand on Jims neck, pressing his cheek against the wood of the table, the other hand holding the belt and pulling down the boys pants.

"Your mother left you because she couldn't stand the sight of you. She left because you look so much like your dear old daddy, and you reminded her that he died saving _you._ She left because she hates you, hates you just as much as I do. I will teach you how to speak with an adult, boy. You'll regret ever having raised your voice against me. You're gonna learn some respect just like I did, and my father did before me, and my grandfather and so on."

The pain was blinding as the metal hit his skin violently. Jim bit back a scream. No way in hell was he going to let that bastard know how much the biting sting actually hurt. Again and again, the belt came down against his skin, ripping it apart, marking him, over and over. At some point he could no longer hold back the screams. It was too much, too much pain, too much shame, too much hate.

His screams echoed through the empty house, and when Frank was finally done, Jim was sure he would never be able to stand or sit again. His tears were drying on his cheek, and he laid there until he heard Frank disappear out of the front door.

Slowly, the boy with the brilliant blue eyes stood, taking a deep breath to sooth the aching pain he was feeling. Slowly, he let his fingers travel over the hurt flesh, quickly pulling back as he felt something wet connect with the tips of his fingers. Blood. He was bleeding. Jim shook his head.

He didn't have time to pity himself. He needed to get something to eat, and then meet Spock in the library. It was the only thing he could think about. To go see Spock, his friend. Somehow, he felt as if Spock could make it all better. Make his pain go away. He always made him smile. Not that smile he put up for show, but a real smile.

He pulled up his pants just high enough to be able to walk to the bathroom, wetting some toilet paper and gingerly pressing it against his wounds. It burned, but he had to clean off the blood unless he wanted it to dry. Over and over, he tried to clean as much blood off as possible with as little pain possible. It didn't take long for the burning to turn into an even more intense kind of pain, but Jim had no more time. He wouldn't even be able to go through the always empty cabinets in the kitchen in hopes of finding a few crumbs. He had to go.

He pulled up his pants, shouldered his backpack and left. Every step hurt, the fabric rubbing against the raw flesh, making him flinch, pushing tears into his eyes, tears he refused to shed. He was 12 years old, not a baby, almost grown up. He had to keep it together. He had to be strong.

He reached the library 5 minutes late. Spock was already waiting for him at the entrance, his face as blank as usual. Kirk couldn't suppress a whimper at the sight of the person that seemed to be the only light in the entire universe.

Immediately, Spock heads turned to look at the human. His eyes widened. Jim stood, shaking, his lip split, his fingers digging into the strap of his backpack so hard his knuckles stood out white. The face was normally showed such joy and happiness was now screwed up in pain. Jim was rapidly blinking and it took Spock a few seconds to figure out that he was holding back tears.

And then Spock acted in a way that went against everything he stood for. He rushed forward to the boy's aide, a boy he barely knew, grabbing his hand, ignoring the shocks it sent through him, pulling him inside with him.

He had only cried once in his life, and he had not only felt awful, but also embarrassed and ashamed. He was sure Jim didn't want to be seen like this, either. He rushed them to the bathroom, pulling Jim relentlessly behind him, the whimpers behind him making the hairs at the back of his neck stand at attention.

When they had finally reached their destination, Jim was in tears. Sobbing, whimpering, tears spilling down his cheek in a never ending stream, as he stared at Spock, ragged breaths shaking his body. Spock simply held Jims hand. He didn't know what to do, and it aggravated him. He was angry that he could not help this stranger, and he did not know why.

Suddenly, he remembered what his mother had done when he was much smaller and in pain. He didn't think about it a second longer, quickly wrapping his arms around the shaking figure, holding him in a stiff hug.

"Spock…Oh god.. Spock…" Jim whimpered, slender fingers digging into the Vulcans jacket as he wept into it.

"Jim…" Spock answered his voice barely above a whisper as he held him. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? What would his mother have done? Spock wrecked his brain, tried to find something he could say or do to stop Jim from crying, to make him feel better, but there was nothing he knew of. He had never seen an emotional reaction this severe.

So he simply stood there, holding Jim, his friend, as he cried. It seemed like hours, hours spent crying, and it got harder and harder to bear.

But then, the sobs grew quieter, the shaking came to an end, and finally, Jim went quiet. Just as Spock thought he had made it, that Jim was done being emotional and they could carry on where they had left off after school, he felt the boy slump down in his arms.

"Jim..?" he asked, hating that his voice shook ever so gently. But Jim didn't react. "Jim?" He asked again, louder this time, but once more he did not receive a reply. Slowly, he pulled back, still holding Jim upright. His eyes were closed, his breathing was even, his face peaceful. It wasn't until then that Spock realized that Jim, the one that had called him a friend, had passed out in his arms.

Please let me know what you think. The third chapter will be up sometime today or tomorrow.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	3. Chapter 3

Believe it or not, here comes chapter 3. Apparently I am on a roll, and I would like to write as much as I can now that I have the time and the inspiration.

Thank You for sticking with this story.

Enjoy.

* * *

Jim woke in a room that was much too bright, and much too hot. It was like he was laying under the summer sun, and he couldn't help but curl up to a ball, trying to shield his already irritated eyes from the merciless light burning above him.

"Lights down to 30 %. Temperature to 28 degrees Celsius. " A soft voice said, and the light faded away until the room was barely lit enough to see. Jim blinked, letting his eyes get used to the darkness before slowly sitting up. The heat made him sweat, but he was much more bothered by the fact that he had no fucking idea where he was.

"Spock?" He called into the room. He felt the mattress he was sitting on dip down next to him, and after a few more seconds he could make out Spock's face. "Where am I?"

"You are in my room in the Vulcan Embassy." Spock said, carefully urging Jim to lay back down on his back. "I did not know where else to take you. You fainted, and as I do not know where you live, this was the only possibility. I apologize for not thinking of adjusting the room to your human needs."

"God, I know you guys come from a desert planet but that was just awful." Jim groaned, laying back own as Spock wordlessly asked him too, looking up at the Vulcan. "So what, you carried me here?"

"I did. Vulcans are known for having approximately 3 times the strength humans have. I brought you here to recover from your nervous breakdown, as the doctor called it."

"Nervous breakdown my ass." Jim muttered, rubbing his forehead. "Thanks Spock. That was really nice of you. But I have to go home now."

"It is long past midnight, Jim. It is dark outside, and while I can see perfectly fine in the dark, you cannot. You will have to stay here until tomorrow. My father has already contacted your family, and has informed them that you will be going to school with me."

"What?!" Suddenly, Jim sat upright in the bed, almost knocking Spock off of the mattress, his eyes wide with horror, the burn on his ass bad enough to pull a groan from his throat. "God Frank is going to kill me."

"You stated that he would kill you before, Jim. You are quite alive." Spock replied, tilting his head lightly at the groan. "You are hurt." He simply stated.

"Yeah, Spock, I'm hurt, big deal." Jim spat, his annoyance so obvious even a blind man could have seen. "What difference does it make?"

"It means you need more medical attention. You are in a great amount of pain."

"How do you know how much pain I am in?" Jim snarled, slowly standing from the bed, falling into an unsteady pace, up and down the Vulcans room.

"Your heartbeat is elevated, and with the sound you just made, the only logical observation is that you are in pain. Enough pain to make your body react to it." Spock stated, making Jim stop in his tracks.

"Wait. You can hear my heart?" He stared at him dumb folded.

"Yes. I can hear your heart, Jim. It is beating fast." Spock now stood as well, standing close to the human. "You need to see the doctor again. He did not do a thorough checkup. He asked me what happened, and then gave you a shot into your neck to calm you and let you sleep. I have been meditating while I waited for you to wake."

"Spock, I don't need a doctor. I'm fine." Jim shook his head, running fingers through his hair, taking a deep breath. "I need a shower. That's what I need. A god damn shower."

"Follow me." Spock simply said. He might have only known Jim Kirk for three days, but he knew that once the boy had his mind set on something, debating would not help, no matter how hard he tried, or how often he explained that his point of view was simply more logical.

He opened a door, ushering Jim inside. It was a small, but nice bathroom. A shower was located in the corner, towels hung up neatly on the metal bar next to it. Everything was clean and organized. Jim shook his head. The bathroom at his house hadn't looked like this since.. well. He didn't think his bathroom had ever been this clean.

"You may use everything that is in this room." Spock said, before he exited, returning to his bedroom. Jim couldn't say how relieved he was. Quickly, he peeled off his clothes that clung to his thin body with sweat. Tossing them on the floor, he quickly got under the shower; letting cold water run over him until his lips turned blue and he couldn't stop shaking. Quickly, he turned the water warmer, starting to wash his hair, his face and his body, taking his time to recover before entering back into Spock's room.

* * *

Spock could hear the water running, could hear Jim move around as he sat on the floor, trying to meditate. For some reason, Jim Kirk made controlling his emotions even harder than it already was.

So many emotions boiled up inside him, bubbling to the surface. The second he had realized Jim was in pain, it was almost as if he was in pain as well. He had meditated the entire time that Jim had laid on his bed, but he was not getting a satisfactory result. He could still feel the emotions pulling at him, making him stumble.

Jim was still in the shower, and Spock finally gave up on his meditation. There was only one person that could help him with his issues, and he needed to talk to her immediately.

"Mother?" He asked quietly as he sat at his desk, a small display standing in front of him, the image of his mother flicking to life.

"Spock dear, what are you doing calling me now? Shouldn't you be sleeping dear?" She asked, her voice filled with worry. "Is something bothering you honey?"

"Mother, you know very well that I do not need to sleep as much as humans do." He answered quietly, listening for the shower that was still running. "But yes, mother, I am troubled."

"Are the other boys giving you a hard time Spock?" She asked, the frown on her face growing even more. "Do you need me to come to earth love?"

"No mother. You stayed on Vulcan so your body would not get used to Earths atmosphere again. Father told me you were very troubled in your first months on Vulcan." He sighed, taking a second to steady his thoughts. "Mother. I met a human. He is in my class. Today, I agreed to tutor him. He said to meet me at the library. He was late, and when he arrived, he was crying. He was in great emotional distress. I tried to calm him, but it did not work. He fainted, and I took him to the embassy."

"Oh dear. Do you know what happened to him Spock? Is he hurt?"

"I believe he is hurt, mother. But he refuses to see a doctor. He is currently showering. But that is not what I called for. I want to know something, mother. He called me his friend. You told me you had friends as well, back when you lived on earth. What does it feel like to have a friend?"

"Well honey. When you have a friend you want them happy. You don't want them to be in pain. When they hurt, you hurt too. When they are happy, so are you." She sighed, smiling at her son that was so grown up and yet still a child. "You want to protect a friend. A friend will always be there for you when you need him. And you will want to be there for him as well."

"I see." Spock nodded slowly. "But mother, I am Vulcan. Vulcans do not have friends. It is illogical to feel the way I do. It is illogical to feel at all."

"Spock, honey. You are, and always will be, a child of two worlds. And your father and I are thankful for that. That boy called you a friend. He relies on you. He got hurt Spock, and it is only natural for you to feel .. empathetic. There is no such thing as one sided friendship Spock. He is your friend." She smiled. "You are such a good son, Spock. I am very proud of you. I know you try very hard to be Vulcan, and that's fine, honey. But just this once.. maybe being a little more human wouldn't be that bad either."

"Yes Mother. I will meditate on the issue." Spock said, slowly leaning back against the back of his chair.

"Of course you will, Spock. If you need me, you can always call me. Goodnight, Darling."

"Good night, Mother." Spock reached to the only button on the display, turning it off. Just then, the door to the bathroom opened, and Jim reappeared in nothing but his underwear.

"You mind if I sleep like this? This room is way too hot for that much clothing." He had that smile back on his lips, but it was off. The Vulcan couldn't lay his finger on it, could not tell why exactly it was different than before.

"I do not mind. You may sleep on the bed." Spock answered, standing up once more to sit in the middle of the room, closing his eyes in another weak attempt to concentrate, to get a grasp on his emotions and lock them away.

"Right. You guys don't have to sleep much, do you?" Jim said, walking over to the bed, letting his body fall onto it, curling up under the blankets. "Good night, Spock."

"Good night, Jim."

But Jim was already asleep.

* * *

Morning came too soon for Jim. He could barely keep himself awake as he walked into the bathroom after being woken by Spock.

By some magic a second toothbrush had appeared alongside with a new set off clothes in his size. Jim had to smile. Spock really was a good friend.

He quickly slipped into his clothes, being urged by his new best friend to hurry.

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying, dear lord Spock." Jim laughed, stumbling out of the bathroom as he tried to pull the shirt over his head. "You sure know how to take it easy."

"Sarcasm, I assume?" Spock asked as he turned to Jim.

"The best kind. Now let's get going. It's a pretty long walk to school from here."

"My father will be taking us to school." Spock simply said, shouldering the backpack that seemed way too bulky for his lean body.

"Oh wow. Awesome." Jim grinned, walking up to Spock, gently slapping his shoulder. "Well lead the way. Can't wait to meet your old man."

"My father is not old Jim, in fact he is very young for a Vulcan."

"It's a saying, Spock. Never mind, come on." He grasped the Vulcans wrist, pulling him with him out of the room. "Better tell me where to go or we'll get lost." He grinned, looking back at the speechless Vulcan, bumping into something very hard the second the stopped paying attention to what laid before him.

"Mother of.." He cursed, looking up at a not amused Vulcan.

"Jim. This is my father Sarek." Spock said. The older Vulcan raised a brow at his son, his eyes lingering on where Jim's hand wrapped around Spock's wrist.

"Oh. Sorry Sir. I wasn't looking where I was going." Jim said, tilting his head to the side as he looked up at Sarek, immediately intimidated by his height and posture.

"That was very obvious, Mr. Kirk. If you could release my son now, I need to bring you to school before I have to attend a meeting. Spock, I trust you have already informed our guest that he will be attending school?"

"Yes Father." Spock said, his head bowed slightly as he pulled back from Jim's touch. "I have informed him."

"Very well. Then let us not stand here and converse. We must get you to school." And with that, Sarek turned and started walking, and Jim couldn't help but feel a twinge of dislike for Spock's father. He seemed so… cold. So utterly cold. Spock hurried to follow his father, but Jim hesitated for just a second. Spock didn't have it easy either.

He quickly caught up with them, and they spent the drive to school in complete silence. Apparently, Vulcans are not keen on small talk. When Sarek dropped them off at school, he gave Spock a look that made Jim's stomach clench. Never had anyone looked at him like that.

Sure, Spock looked at him with a blank expression, spoke without emotion, but he could always sense a warmth in his eyes. Sarek's eyes were dead. Once the father was gone, Spock turned and walked straight into the class room, Jim following behind him silently.

He wondered what kind of hell was worse. His. Or maybe Spocks.


	4. Fate

So here comes Chapter 4. I hope you guys are still enjoying this story. I might not be able to upload for a while since I will be away on vacation, but until I leave, I will try to update as much as I can.

Thank you for sticking around.

Enjoy.

* * *

One week had passed since Jim had woken up in Spock's room. They hadn't talked about Jim's break down again. They had gone to school, and spent the day in silence, both caught up in their own thoughts.

The next day it was like nothing had happened. Jim was his usual cheery self, and Spock had returned to his controlled demeanor. All seemed to be normal once more.

Spock had kept his promise, he was tutoring Jim after school every day, and even though Jim groaned and complained, he secretly enjoyed the time he spent with Spock. The library was always quiet, the smell of old books and soft light surrounding them like a cocoon. It was in those moments that Spock seemed somewhat softer, more relaxed.

Jim couldn't help but treasure the few moments that his Vulcan friend actually seemed human. And yet, he envied him for his self control, for his ability to push away every emotion like pain, hatred and fear.

And yet, they both carried themselves with a small amount of unease. Jim never told Spock in how much trouble he had been when he returned home after spending the night at the embassy, and Spock never told Jim that he had been lectured by Sarek for not only bringing a human into the embassy, but also letting him touch him.

They both kept quiet about their emotional pain, a pain Spock shouldn't be feeling at all if it was up to his father.

Both tried to hide it away, keep it locked in their mind, buried under the facade of happiness or control. Both thinking the other could not help. They were just children. What did they know each others pain?

* * *

"Jim, concentrate." Spock scolded quietly as Jim's eyes once more wandered from his text book to the window, sighing quietly as the sun shown and the birds sang.

It was a beautiful day, a day that should be spent outside, not locked away in a library trying to understand something he would never fully grasp.

"I'm trying Spock, I swear. But its so hard. Its Saturday, for god's sake. We should be having fun." Jim frowned, looking at the Vulcan that sat across from him. "I mean, we've been here for hours. Can't we take a break? I'm only human you know."

Spock's slender eyebrow rose as he took a second to contemplate. Jim was right. Humans needed a period of rest every once in a while or they could not keep up with the input. They were so different from Vulcan's.

"We can take a break." he slowly agreed. "What do you want to do?"

"Well. First of all, lets get out of here. I want to be outside. Come on." Jim shoved the book into his backpack, shouldering it with one fluid movement.

Defeated, Spock packed away his book as well, allowing Jim to grasp his wrist and pull him behind him. Jim turned his head to look at him, the grin on his face big enough take up most of his face. Spock still didn't understand Jim Kirk. He wondered if he ever would.

"And where are we going?" He inquired, his inner eyelid closing to protect his eyes from the sudden sunlight. Coming from a Desert planet did have its perks.

"Its a surprise silly. Don't be so nosy. Honestly Spock, it wouldn't kill you to let go." Jim answered, his voice showing all to well how amused he was. "We're kids, Spock. We should be enjoying our childhood."

Enjoying their childhood, Spock thought. Did he ever have a childhood? Did any Vulcan child have one? He had watched the human children in his school. At an age where he had already been studying, achieving academical success, humans were still running around, playing a game they called "Tag". Some where sitting in a corner, drawing. Others were playing in a sand box. Was this childhood? The freedom to do as they wished?

Humans put so little pressure on their young. And yet, some humans achieved greatness. Few, but still. Spock wondered what his life would have been like if he had grown up on earth, not on Vulcan. Would he be like Jim? Would he enjoy his life as much as he did? Did it really matter?

"We're almost there. Close your eyes." Jim suddenly said, stopping to turn to Spock. "And don't do that inner eyelid thing and then say you did, that's cheating."

"Why should I close my eyes?" Spock asked, his eyebrow arching once more.

"I already told you, its a surprise. Just close your eyes. I'll lead the way. Don't you trust me?" Jim tilted his head to the side, blue eyes practically drilling into his.

A good question. Trust was illogical. Why would he trust a human he barely know? What if he wasn't worth trusting? What if he got himself hurt?

Spock scanned the area. They were no longer in the small city. They were on a dirt road, surrounded by fields, and in the distance, he could hear water flowing lazily in what had to be a small stream. This was not a very safe area, he thought to himself. Was it safe to close his eyes and let himself be lead by the other child?

But when he looked at Jim there was no doubt. He couldn't say why, he couldn't figure out what exactly it was about this human child that made him want to trust, to be around him. To be his friend. But it didn't matter. For once in life he decided he didn't need an explanation. That his reasoning did not have to be logical. He could let go in front of Jim. Jim would not judge him for his human side that the other child knew nothing about. He liked him for who he was, wanted to be his friend not because he pitied him, or because he thought it would give him some kind of advantage to be friends with a Vulcan.

Jim was his friend because he liked Spock for who he was.

"I trust you." Spock said, his voice quiet, unsure, but knowing that it was the right thing to say. He could feel his heart beat speed up, pounding hard against his abdomen. He had said it out loud. He had admitted it. And it felt _good._

"Great. I trust you too. So come on, close your eyes. I promise I won't let you run against anything." Jim grinned, waiting for Spock to close his eyes, gently taking the aliens hand.

Spock's eyes flew open as he quickly pulled his hand away. Never had he felt anything like that before. Never had anyone touched his hand with such a soft and yet firm grip,and it sent shocks coursing through his entire body. He was shaking, his eyes wide as he looked at Jim, who was staring back, confusion and something Spock could not put a name on seeping into his eyes.

"Vulcan's are touch telepaths Jim. We use our hands very differently then you. They are sensitive." He whispered, taking a deep breath.

"Oh. Did I hurt you?" Jim asked, his voice just as quiet at Spock's. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." The pain in the humans voice was clear, sharp, and Spock couldn't stand to hear the normally so jubilant voice filled with sorrow.

"You did not hurt me, Jim." he answered, shaking his head lightly. "I just did not expect it. You can hold my wrist. I will close my eyes and follow you." He gave Jim one last glance, before once more closing his eyes, waiting for Jim's fingers to wrap around his wrist once more,to take him to the surprise he had promised him.

Jim hesitated for just a second before taking hold of Spock's wrist once more walking beside him, slowly leading him over a field that laid idle, carefully pulling him over the dirt.

Jim's heart was soaring. Spock, the Vulcan, the boy that seemed like a man, that was so much better and stronger then himself, trusted him. He was letting Jim lead him. He was letting go. Handing himself over to Jim. And Jim had never felt so good about himself.

All his life people had been telling him that he wasn't good enough, that he was worthless, that he was a failure. And here he was. With a Vulcan that wasn't only his friend, but that trusted him. Jim was ecstatic.

The sound of water grew louder, and Spock had to fight his instinct to open his eyes, assess the situation he was currently in, and see if he was in danger. If he did, he would hurt Jim's feelings. His mother had told him that friends wanted to see their friends happy. For Spock, it didn't feel like want. It was a need. He _needed_ Jim to be happy.

Finally, when he could barely stand to keep his eyes closed, the water sounding much too near, Jim stopped.

"You can open your eyes now." He said gingerly.

Spock complied, and when he opened his eyes, he fought the urge to smile.

They stood close to the stream Spock had been hearing. Soft, green grass lined the banks of the stream, a gentle wind caressing his face, messing up his hair, and for once in his life Spock just _didn't care._

He turned to Jim, who's eyes were sparkling, his features tense as he waited for Spock's reaction.

"It is beautiful." Those words seemed to be enough, for Jim's face lit up with joy as he pulled Spock closer to the water.

"Me and Sam, my older brother, we'd come here every day in summer. We'd swim in it, until we got too cold and could barely move, and then we'd lay in the grass and wait till the sun dried us." Jim said, sitting down in the grass only inches away from the stream, pulling Spock to sit next to him. "Sometimes, Mom would come with us, and she'd bring a bag of food, and we'd just sit here and talk."

"My mother had a garden." Spock looked up into the blue sky. "She would sit with me and read to me. Books she had brought from earth. Father did not like that she was reading human stories to me. He said it would only put ideas in my head. But mother never backed down to Sarek. She kept reading to me until I was old enough to read myself."

"Wait. Your mom is human?" Jim asked, his voice filled with surprise.

"Yes. My mother is human. She married my father and came to Vulcan to live with him." Spock's entire posture stiffened. Would Jim judge him like the other Vulcan children did? Would he call him half breed and turn him away?

"Well." Jim said, pausing for a few seconds. "Your mom must be really brave and special then. I probably couldn't stand up to your father to save my life. He's all sorts of scary. I mean his eyes. The way he looked at me. I honestly thought he could break my neck and not care."

"Father is not violent, Jim. No Vulcan is. You don't have to be afraid." Relieve washed over Spock. Not one comment. No hate. Just acceptance. Nothing had changed. Jim was still his friend.

"Well yeah I know but still. I'm glad you're half human Spock. Your eyes are warm. You may have pointy ears, and green blood, and you may prefer logic over emotion. But.. I don't know. Your eyes are warm. I like that." Jim smiled, suddenly standing and pulling off his shirt, throwing it to the ground, quickly followed by shoes and socks. "I don't know about you, but I'm going for a swim. Enough emotional talk for one day, you might have a heart attack if we keep going."

And there Jim went, dressed in nothing but his pants, diving into the water. He quickly reappeared, his hair sticking to his face, his eyes shining with such unbelievable _joy_ that Spock could barely take it. The young Vulcan could do nothing but watch in awe as Jim dove and swam through the water, fighting the stream and enjoying himself while doing so.

"Come on Spock. Join me!" Jim called, waving him into the water. But Spock shook his head.

"I.. I can't swim, Jim." He said, turning his head to look away from the human. He was ashamed. Ashamed that he could not fulfill Jim's wish, couldn't join him. Couldn't make him happy.

"Right. Desert planet." Jim's voice was still filled with happiness. "Okay, you know what, for now you can stay over there, but I will teach you to swim, and then you have to come and join me, got it?" And with that, Jim once more dove into the water.

How could one single human being be so accepting? So understanding towards all Spock's short comings? Once more, Spock could not grasp the being that was Jim Kirk. And he had never been so thankful for having such a good friend.

* * *

The hours passed without Jim noticing. They flew by as he swam, talking to Spock, bringing him stones from the bottom of the stream. He urged Spock to tell him more about his home planet, how it looked, what animals they had. Jim wanted to know everything. Not just about Vulcan. But about Spock as well.

When the sun started to set, he was torn from what he was almost sure had to be a dream. This day had been one of the best in his life, and he wished it never had to end. But he was late, very late, and if he wanted to survive, he needed to go. He quickly pulled on his clothes, his entire body language screaming out his discomfort.

"You are strained, Jim." Spock said, finally standing as well. "Why are you troubled?"

"I uh.. I'm late for dinner. Frank's going to be upset." Jim said, rubbing his face. "I have to go home. I can take you back to the dirt road. Do you think you can make it back the embassy from there? I'll point you in the right direction."

Spock nodded, puzzled as to why Jim's behavior was suddenly so different. Now that he thought about it, Jim always behaved differently when it came to his step-father. But he did not pry. Jim would tell him if he wanted him to know, that he was sure of.

"I will find my way home from there, Jim." he simply said, following Jim as they made their way over the field and back onto the road.

"Okay, just follow this road until you hit the city again. If you hurry, it'll only take you 15 minutes. You'll find the embassy real quick from there. I gotta go. I'll see you in school tomorrow!" And with that Jim ran off into the other direction, leaving Spock behind.

The Vulcan watched as the humans figure grew smaller, before slowly turning and walking into the direction Jim had pointed him into.

He would have a lot to meditate on tonight.

* * *

Jim could feel the air burn in his lungs as he pushed his body, kept running even when his legs started hurting, and his heart was pounding against his chest so much it hurt. Maybe, if he was lucky, Frank had already passed out. Maybe Frank wasn't even home. Maybe, just maybe, he would get away with being late just this once.

But of course, Jim had no such luck. His step-father was sitting on the porch, a bottle clasped in his hands, waiting for Jim's return.

The boy didn't even get a chance to speak before Frank had grabbed his wrist, pulling him into the house, roughly throwing him onto the floor.

"You're late boy. What did I tell you about being late?" He asked, his voice too quiet, too calm. Jim was scared.

"I was studying with Spock in the library. I told you that. You want me to get better." He spat, sitting up as he looked at the man his mother had left him with.

"Don't lie to me, boy. I checked there when you didn't show up. Was gonna bring you home. Lady that worked there said you and the alien had left hours ago." Frank's lips turned up into a nasty smirk. "You think you're so smart, boy. Think you're so sneaky. But you ain't nothing but a good for nothing piece of shit that should have been swallowed at birth."

Jim shook his head, trying to calm his breathing, trying to not show the fear and panic he felt.

"We needed a break. We forgot the time. I'm sorry I'm late." Jim said, wanting to stand up, but knowing better. If he did, Frank would just knock him back down. Once more, he wished he was Vulcan. Wished he could be stronger. Wished he could throw Frank around, into that pile of bottles and trash where he belonged.

But he was only a child. He wasn't strong enough to fight him. His legs wouldn't carry him for much longer, so he couldn't run. Frank would just catch him. It would make everything worse.

"Sorry isn't enough, boy. You know you need to be punished. You know you deserve it." When Frank reached to grab Jim once more, adrenalin rushed through the boys veins. Not again. He couldn't take that abuse again. He jumped, stumbling away from Frank,and into his room, closing the door and leaning against it.

His head was spinning, his heart beating so fast he could hear the blood rush through his ears, his legs shaking with the effort to keep himself up, and shoved against the door. He couldn't hold Frank off for long, but he could try. He had to try.

What would Spock do? He thought, eyes desperately searching the room for something, anything, that would help him. Frank was taking his time to come get Jim, no doubt counting on the fact that waiting would only make Jim more afraid.

And then, one hard kick to the door, and Jim was once more sprawled out on the floor. He tried to crawl away, tried to escape, to hide under his bead like he did when he was a toddler and Sam was teasing him, but Frank quickly got a hold of his ankle, pulling him out of his room.

Jim closed his eyes and surrendered himself to his fate.

* * *

So, here's chapter 4. Please let me know what you think.

.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	5. Sorrow

And here is Chapter 5. Some Angst coming up, but... not too bad.

Enjoy

* * *

When Jim did not come to school on monday, Spock wondered if he had caught a cold while swimming in the stream, but he wasn't worried.

When Jim didn't show up the day after, Spock wondered if it was a really bad cold.

But when Jim didn't show up for school 3 days in a row, Spock couldn't deny the nagging feeling in the back of his head. That little voice that told him something was up, that something was wrong.

He wished he had know where Jim lived, but the human had never told him. All Spock knew was the direction Jim had run off to the day they went to the stream.

It too him another two days of mind blowing worry and inner debates before he finally decided he needed to check up on his friend. He tried to get the address from their school, but he was turned away by the secretary, telling him she could not give him Jim's address, no matter how hard he tried to convince her that it was only logical.

She did tell him however, that Jim's step-father had called Jim in sick for at least a week. Apparently, the boy had a bad case of the flu. And while this should have soothed Spock's worried mind, it didn't do anything but worry him even more.

So finally, when Saturday came, Spock decided to go looking for his friend's house. He had looked over the city maps, and found that there were only few houses in the direction Jim had walked. He would be able to find his friend in a few hours.

It was an especially hot day on earth, but the Vulcan wasn't bothered by it. Quite the contrary. It reminded him of home. The dirt of the road whirled up as he walked over it, just like the desert sand had on his planet. Spock could think of no better day to go for a long walk.

House after House, he searched for his friend, but it wasn't until the very last house that he was finally successful. It looked utterly forgotten. The grass in the yard was yellow from the sun, and lack of water. The paint on the wooden walls was chipped, the windows dirty. It was unkempt, and looked like the only chance to make something beautiful out of it was to tear it down,and build a new house. Spock could hardly believe that this was his friends home. But it was the only possibility.

Spock walked up to the door, only to find that the doorbell was broken. He knocked, but he got no answer. The door was unlocked, and he pushed it open ever so gently. When he walked in, he had to hold his breath. The floor was clean, it looked like it had just been swept, but the smell of alcohol almost made Spock gag.

He took a steadying breath, and kept going. The kitchen was also clean, but empty. The refrigerator door hung open to reveal that it was not only empty, but also broken. The Vulcan could not believe his eyes, and a sudden, horrible rage filled his mind.

Did Jim have to live like this? In this stench, in a house without food? Could it get any worse?

Spock made his way through every room. Everything was clean, and yet it seemed untidy. As if someone had simply cleaned away the dirt, not caring to put things into order. A clean, but uncared for, house.

As Spock made his way up the stairs, the wood creaked under his feet. He could hear a door open, and footsteps coming towards him. It could only be the steps of a child, not a grown up. They were too light, too little pressure on the old wooden floor. It could only be Jim.

Quickly, he walked up the last few steps to be met by a surprised looking Jim.

"Spock? What the hell are you doing here? Did Frank see you?" Without another word, he grabbed his friends wrist, urgently pulling him into, what Spock assumed, was Jim's room. It was small, only a bed and a desk and chair filling it, the drapes on the window shut.

"No one was here when I entered Jim." He said quietly, trying to hold back the furry he felt. "Your step-father is not home."

Jim sighed, letting himself fall onto his bed. "Thank god. Look, you're probably worried because I wasn't in school this week. I was sick, but I'm fine now. I'll be back on Monday. Spock, you have to leave before Frank comes home. He won't be happy if he catches you here."

"Are you not allowed to have friends over?" Spock asked, his elegant eyebrow raised as he sat down next to Jim.

"Well.. no.. I mean. Look Spock, its complicated okay? I just think it would be better if you would go now." Jim looked at his friend, the pain in his eyes so obvious it made Spock want to hug him, and tell him it would all be okay. That he'd look out for him. That things would get better. But he couldn't.

"You have lost weight." He said instead, looking Jim up and down. "You must be underweight."

"It happens when you get sick Spock, don't worry. Please, just go home. I'll be in school on Monday, I promise. But you really have to-.." Jim was interrupted by the sound of the front door slamming shut.

"Boy?! Where are you?!" Franks voice echoed through the house, and Jim froze.

"You have to go now. Go. Jump out the window, you'll be fine. Just go." He whispered, urging Spock towards the window, almost shoving him towards it. Spock only had a split second to decide.

Should he go? Should he leave as his friend asked him to? His inner voice screamed for him to stay. And suddenly, he knew that he should. So he turned, gently gripping Jim's wrist. "I am staying."

"Spock, please, you're going to get me in trouble." Jim pleaded, but it was too late. His door flew open, and Frank was standing in the door way, as always, a bottle in hand. His eyes widened as he saw Spock, almost as if he didn't know what to do, now that a Vulcan child was standing in the room, staring up at him with impassive eyes.

"I didn't know we were having a guest, Jim." He said quietly, his eyes resting on Spock. Jim didn't like the way Franks eyes traveled over Spock's face, to his ears, and then along his friends body. He had never looked at him that way, but he knew what it meant. Knew what had happened to Sam after Frank started looking at him that way. Spock needed to leave, and he needed to leave now.

"He only came by to keep me up to date on school stuff, Sir. He wanted to go now anyway." Jim answered, hoping that Frank would move away from the door as he ushered Spock towards it.

"Why Jim, how rude of you." Frank said, smirking lightly. "Your friend was kind enough to come here and help you. You shouldn't just kick him out like that. Spock, was it? Jim said you were tutoring him."

"I am. Jim only needs help in one subject, his grades are perfect aside of that. I agreed to help him with it." Spock said, hands clasped at the small of his back, as he starred into Franks eyes. Jim swallowed hard. This wasn't going to end well for him. He could feel it.

"Ah. Well that is very kind of you, Spock. I hope Jim has been working hard." Frank responded, taking a step closer to Spock. Jim backed away, but Spock held his ground, apparently not intimidated by the grown up human.

"His progress is satisfactory." came the short reply. Jim stared at Spock. The Vulcan was so strong, so brave. Everything he wanted to be so badly was standing right in front of him.

"That's good. You must be a talented teacher." Franks voice was like a low purr as he took another step towards Spock. His step-father was too close, he would grab Spock around the neck, just like he had Sam, and do unspeakable things to him. Forgotten was his fear of Frank, his worry about his own life. His friend was in danger. He needed his help.

Jim came to stand next to Spock, wrapping his fingers around the Vulcan's wrist. "He is, Sir. But he has other things to do, as well. He should be on his way."

Frank turned to Jim, and before the boy knew what happened, a fist came flying towards him. But the pain didn't come. Instead, he heard Frank scream in pain. He blinked, taking a second to realize what was going on. Spock had his fingers wrapped around Frank's fist, bones shattering under his merciless grip.

Frank fell to his knee's. Jim turned to look at his friends face, but what he saw scared him. Spock's face was screwed up with anger, bearing teeth as he stepped closer to Frank, who by now was howling in pain. Spock let go, and just when Jim thought it was over, that he could calm Spock down, make him go, Frank made the biggest mistake in his life.

"You might be able to hurt me Vulcan, but the boy can't. And I will make him pay for what you just did."

Jim didn't even see Spock move. But suddenly, he was on top of his step-father, small hands wrapped around the humans neck, choking him. Jim stared in horror as Frank struggled to breath, clawing at Spock's hands and face, drawing green blood. But Spock didn't stop. He kept his deadly grip on Franks throat. It wasn't until Jim noticed his step-fathers face growing purple that he broke from his frozen state.

"Spock!" he screamed, grabbing the Vulcan's shoulders, trying to pull him back, to make hi stop. "Spock, you're gonna kill him! Spock, let go, let go, please!" Panic rose in Jim. He couldn't let Spock kill Frank. If he did, Spock would hate himself forever, and very probably go to jail. "Spock!" He hollered, pulling one last time until Spock finally let go.

Frank wasn't moving, but he was breathing. He was alive. Jim had no time to feel relieved. Strong arms picked him up, and carried him over the body of his Step-father and out of the house. Spock walked, fast, and no matter what Jim said, how much he begged and pleaded, Spock wouldn't let him down.

The surroundings passed too quickly for him to realize where they were going. It wasn't until Spock sat him down in the grass that he understood. Spock had taken him to the stream.

"Spock.." he whispered, but the Vulcan had already pulled him into an embrace, holding him close to his chest.

"I'm sorry, Jim. I'm sorry. I'll protect you. I promise I will keep you safe. I promise to never let him hurt you again. I promise to you, Jim Kirk, my only friend, that nothing will ever happen to you again."

Jim gasped. Those words. Words he had yearned to hear for years. Words that made him feel like he could finally _breath_. Words that made him cry into Spock's strong chest until the sun started to set. Words so sweet he could barely take them.

He wept, and Spock held him the entire time, rubbing his back, whispering more sweet words into his ear.

Jim couldn't remember when Spock had picked him up, or how long it took for them to reach Spock's room. All that mattered was that he was wrapped in his friends arms, and that he believed every word his friend had muttered as he held him. He fell asleep on Spock's bed, curled into his arms, thinking that now, everything would be okay.

* * *

_6 months later_

Jim's life had turned to the better. Thanks to the help of Spock and Sarek, Jim had been moved to another family. A loving woman named Margaret and her husband John had taken him in, until his mother returned from her mission in space.

His mother had tried to contact him at every chance she got, but Jim refused to talk to her. She hadn't cared for him all this time, put her needs before his for years. Her trying to be a real mother now was almost insulting.

He and Spock had become inseparable. When Jim wasn't at home, he and Spock roamed the city, read in Spock's room, or studied together. They were the best of friends.

They never spoke of what had happened with Frank. Spock had apologized for his emotional outburst, and that had been it.

Jim's grades had improved even more. He was passing every test, every exam with flying colors. Whenever he got back an exam, he smirked at Spock. And sometimes, just sometimes, he could see pride in Spock's almost black eyes.

Everything was going so well. Weeks flew by, days filled with joy and fun. Jim wished they would never end.

Nothing could hurt him. Not with Spock at his side.

* * *

_2 months later_

"Happy Birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Spock. Happy birthday to you!" Jim sang, wrapping an arm around Spock's shoulder as Margaret place a salad in front of the Vulcan.

"I was going to make cake, but Jim said you don't eat anything that comes from animals, and its hard to make a good cake without milk and eggs." Margaret smiled apologetic, moving to sit next to Jim.

"Thank you for considering my preferences." Spock replied, looking at the salad and the smiling faces that surrounded him. "t was very thoughtful of you."

"Oh of course Spock dear. But its time for gifts!" She smiled, handing the Vulcan a small package, wrapped in a light blue gift wrap.

Spock felt uncomfortable. It was not logical to celebrate his birthday. But just as his mother had, Jim and his family had insisted. So here he sat, Jim sitting next to him, grinning brightly.

"Thank you." Spock politely took the gift, carefully opening the wrapping to uncover a book.

"Jim said your mother used to read you human books. Me and John thought you might want to have one to bring home, and maybe read to her." John smiled at him.

Again, all Spock could say was a muttered "Thank you."

"Okay, my turn." Jim smirked, pulling out something from under the table that had been resting on his lap. "Sorry it isn't wrapped, but it took forever to find something I thought would be useful for you, and when I finally found it, it was too late to wrap it. I just got it thi morning."

Grinning, he handed the wool hat to Spock, patting his shoulder. "Winters coming. You need to stay warm. Come on, put it on!"

Spock stared in disbelieve at the item in his hand, before sighing and putting it on, pulling it over his ears.

"Looks good on you." Jim said, giving Spock one of his most dazzling smiles.

"...Thank you, Jim."

* * *

_3 months later_

It was Sunday. It was a harsh, harsh winter, and Jim spent most of his time hauled up with Spock in the Vulcan's room, where the temperature was high enough to keep Spock warm.

But today, something was different.

Spock was quiet, much quieter then he usually was. If Jim asked him something, the answer was short. When Jim asked if they wanted to do something, Spock said no. They sat on Spock's bed in silence. Finally, Jim couldn't take the tension anymore.

"Spock, whats going on? Whats happening?" He asked, frowning at his friend.

Spock stayed silent for a little before he finally said "I'm returning to Vulcan tomorrow."

Jim stared at him. He must have misunderstood. He must have not been paying attention. It had to be a mistake. It couldn't be true.

"What.. What do you mean you are going back to Vulcan?" he asked, his voice shaking.

"I am returning to my home planet Vulcan tomorrow, Jim. I've been trying to find a way to tell you without hurting you. But I couldn't. I decided to wait until today." Spock said, turning his head away, not being able to take the pain on Jim's face.

"Wait. How long have you known?!" Jim asked, jumping off Spock's bed. "How long have you been keeping this from me?!"

"...My father informed me 28.5 days ago." Spock whispered, still refusing to look at his best friend. "I wanted to tell you earlier. But I couldn't. I didn't know how."

"What do you mean you didn't know _how_?! God damn it Spock, how hard can it be?! Hey, I'm leaving you behind for good, sorry. That's all it would have taken!"

"Jim, I am not leaving you behind." Finally, Spock looked at him. "We can still be friends, we can call, we can talk. I'm not leaving you behind."

"**Bullshit!**" Jim screamed, tears glistening in his eyes. "You _promised_! You promised you'd be my friend, that you'd look out for me and now you're just leaving!"

Spock stood, moving closer to Jim, but the human backed away. "How can you just leave me like this..." Jim's voice sounded broken, defeated, and the anger was replaced by despair.

"Jim.. if I had any other choice, if there way any way I could stay, I would. But I can't. I have to go home. I cannot stay. I am sorry." He whispered, reaching out for his best friend. "Please. Please don't make me leave you behind angry. Please."

Jim looked at his friend, who's face was without expression as always. His eyes were filled with the same sorrow as he felt.

Jim rushed forward, wrapping arms around Spock's neck,once more weeping into his chest. "You can't leave. You just can't. You can't leave me here alone. You're all I have. God damn Spock, you can't!"

"I am sorry Jim." Spock's voice was hoarse, something Jim had never experienced. As he looked at his friend, saw his pain, he thought he was going to go insane.

"Please.. don't go." he whispered. "Please. I'll do anything. Just don't go."

Spock didn't reply. Instead, he took Jim's hand, holding out his own index and middle finger. Jim looked at him with confusion, before mimicking Spock. Gently, Spock pressed his fingers to Jim's.

"I promise. I promise I will never forget you. I promise we will meet again. I promise I will come back for you.. I am sorry, Jim. I am sorry."

Jim looked at Spock, wanting to say more, beg more, try to make him stay. The last thing he felt was a Spock's hand on his shoulder, and the world went dark.

Jim woke up in his bed. He had no idea how he had gotten home. All he remembered was Spock's hand on his shoulder. Had he passed out? Groaning, he turned to look at the clock that stood on the bedside table. It was noon.

Jim bolted out of his room, running by Margaret, not caring that she was calling after him. He had to see Spock. He just had to. He had to make him stay.

He had barely reached the Embassy when John caught up with him, wrapping arms around his waist, pulling him back.

"Let me go!" Jim screamed, struggling to get free, to go to Spock's room, to stop him from going. To stop him from leaving him.

"He's gone, Jim." John said, pulling the boy away from the embassy. "He's gone. He came by this morning, he left you a letter. Jim. He's already gone."

Jim froze. Spock was gone. Gone. He had left without saying goodbye. Gone.

It was all a haze. John picking him up and carrying him home. Margaret laying him back in bed. He spent hours staring up at the ceiling.

_He's gone._

The thought echoed through his mind over and over. Over and over.

_He's gone._

* * *

It took two days for Jim to get out of his room. Another week until he started eating again. And after a month, the most painful month in his life, he finally found the strength to read Spock's letter.

He sat on his bed, taking a deep breath as he pulled the letter from the envelop and started to read.

_Jim._

_I know you are in pain. And even though I shouldn't be, I am too. The year we spent together. The things you showed me. The way you made me feel. I am grateful for all of that._

_I have, and always will be, your friend. _

_No matter how far apart we are, or how long we are separated. I will never forget what you did for me. And how much you changed in my life._

_I will never be able to repay you for your kindness, your acceptance. Your friendship._

_You will always be my best friend. Always._

_But I must insist that you carry on. That you keep going. That you keep being the human I met. I ask nothing, and at the same time, too much. My life will not be the same without you. The logical assumption is that your life will be very different now, too._

_Please Jim. Do not grief. Do not let this defeat you._

_You will forever be in my thoughts._

_Live long and prosper._

_Spock._

Jim's angered boiled up, and he ripped the letter up, just to start crying and trying to put it back together. Spock was gone.

And he might never see him again.

* * *

So. Here ends the part with Jim and Spock as children. I felt that 5 chapters was enough to establish a sort of relationship between them.

The story will continue with them being grown ups, and meeting again.

Please leave a review and tell me what you think.

Your faithfully,

Akikofuma


	6. T'hy'la

And here comes chapter 6. I have been writing like a madman today, and this will probably be the last chapter for today. However, I will update a few more chapters tomorrow.

Enjoy.

* * *

Jim couldn't believe his eyes. There he was. Just sitting there in his first class at Star Fleet Academy. Minding his own god damn business. And then he just walked in.

_Spock. _

Jim had to be dreaming. He had to be. There was no way Spock was here, on Earth, in San Francisco, teaching a class. There was just no way. Spock had left, 7 years ago, to go back to Vulcan. He had taken a part of Jim with himself. A part Jim never got back.

A part he tried to fill with anything he could think of. Getting into trouble. Getting into girls pants. But nothing had filled the void his best friend had left behind. He had been incomplete since then.

And yet, here he was, sitting at the back of the class after Admiral Pike had convinced him to join Star Fleet, and all he could see was his best friend, standing in front of the class, introducing himself in the same cold way he had when they met as children.

Jim wanted to jump up, wanted to call his name, wanted to run up to him and hug him, to never let go again. And at the same time, he felt angry. Angry enough to want to hug, and them punch him in the face.

If he had been back on Earth. If he had had enough time to become a teacher, a professor. Why didn't he tell him? Why didn't he ever contact him? Why did he never bother to seek him out? Had all the things he wrote in the letter been a lie? Had he just made up those words to make Jim feel better? Was he, after all, worthless?

Jim felt sick. He knew that if he stayed here, watching Spock move around the class, not noticing him, not talking to him, he would throw up. But the Vulcan seemed oblivious to the fact that his childhood friend was sitting in his class, just a few steps away.

Jim stood, dropping his books off the table, making the entire class turn to him. Spock finally seemed to notice the young man sitting in the last row, and his eyes widened. Jim looked back before he felt the content of his stomach burning in his throat. He quickly left the room, sinking to his knee's in the empty hallway, emptying his guts onto the floor. He felt miserable. His legs were shaking as he tried to stand, and suddenly, there were strong hands grasping his arms and pulling him up.

Jim didn't need to turn and see who it was. He could still remember Spock's scent. The way his hot hands felt against his skin. He had never forgotten anything.

"Let go." he whispered. "Let me go Spock."

"Jim... Let me explain." Spock said, holding his arms tight.

"There is nothing to explain. You came back. You never looked for me. Never let me know. That's a pretty clear message, Spock." Jim tried to pull himself away, tried to free himself, but of course, he could not rival the Vulcan's strength.

"There is a reason, Jim. A good one." Spock answered. "You are ill. I will escort you to see a doctor."

"Just let me go Spock. I'm not sick. Its an emotional thing. You see your best friend after 7 years, and realize he didn't give a fuck all along, it hurts. Makes people sick." Jim spat. Finally, Spock let go, staring at Jim. His face was blank, his eyes were cold. Just like his fathers. "You've changed." With those parting words, Jim left.

Spock was left behind, shaking his head before going into class.

* * *

Jim stared at the ceiling. This wasn't happening. It just couldn't be. He couldn't be taught by Spock. He just couldn't. Every time he even thought of him he could feel his stomach tighten. But no other teacher taught the class. And he needed it to get into the command track.

Jim groaned as the door opened.

"Hell kid, you look like death." Leonard McCoy stepped into the room, looking at his room mate that was currently laying on his bed. "What happened to you?"

"Just an upset stomach, Bones. Nothing to worry about." Jim muttered, turning to his side, facing away from the other man. "I'll be fine by tomorrow."

"Well you better be. Already missed the first day, don't want to miss a second. Only so many days you can miss." Bones sighed, sitting down on his own bed, rubbing his face. "You know, you'd think people would know I'm a senior medical officer. Instead, that jerk off boss of mine is treating me like I've never held a hypo in my hand."

"Geez Bones, your life must be so hard." Jim said, rolling his eyes. Sure, Bones had already been a doctor before he joined Star Fleet after the divorce, but he was still on probation, and therefor treated like a cadet, hence the sleeping in the dorms. One Bones proved he was competent, he would be moved to another building, where he would have his own room.

"It is. Here, hold still." And without another warning, Jim felt a hypo jab right into his neck. "Fuck Bones, what the hell was that for?" He groaned, rubbing his neck to try and chase away the lingering pain.

"That was so you don't throw up on me, kid." Bones answered.

"Said the guy that threw up on me. Twice." Jim grinned. Bones always had a way of making him feel better. Even if it was just a little. "Thanks though. I already threw up once today."

"Yeah yeah, say thank you with gifts. And now get your ass out, I have a night shift and I need some sleep." Bones muttered, getting settled into bed.

"Fine. I have to go catch up on the classes I missed anyway. I'll be in the library." Jim stood, grabbing his books and walked off. Hoping. Praying that he did not meet Spock on his way there.

* * *

Spock was troubled. As troubled as he had never been since he left earth. Since he had left Jim.

Seeing him again, in his class, was like a shock to him. He hadn't expected him here. He hadn't expected to see him ever again in his life. He had come here to teach. Not to have old, and painful, memories brought back. But now Jim was here, on campus, and in his class. And he would have to deal with him.

He had tried to meditate. Hat sat in his room, trying to concentrate, trying to calm his emotions. Never had anyone have this kind of effect on him. Only Jim. But his mind was restless. His body was tense. He could not relax. Could not find the calmness he needed. He stood in one fluid motion. He had to calm. And to calm, he needed to find Jim. Had to explain. Had to make him understand.

First, he checked Jim Kirks room. A rather unpleasant looking male opened the door, telling him that Jim had gone to the library before closing the door on him. Spock assumed by the state of his hair and clothing, that the man had been asleep. But he had gotten the information he needed, and that was all that mattered.

As he made his way to the library, he thought about Jim's words. He had said he changed. A logical statement. He had grown taller, older. Of course he had changed. But somehow, he did not think that was what Jim had referred to. It had sounded like an insult.

But Jim himself had changed. The child had grown into a man. His eyes were still a brilliant blue, and his hair as blond as before, but his face had grown into a much more masculine shape, with a square jaw, and luscious, full lips. Handsome. Almost too obviously handsome. Spock shook his head. He needed to stay under control.

As he finally reached the library he stopped for just a moment. Jim had reacted to his presence rather violently. He had not expected it. But then, Jim always reacted very extreme. Maybe he shouldn't have been so surprised at it.

He was about to reach out to open the door, as it opened, and Jim walked right into him. "Mother of.." the human muttered before he looked up at whoever he had run into. His eyes went wide with shock. Not again. Not here.

Jim tried to turn and run, but Spock did not give him that chance. He grabbed his wrist like he had done so many years ago. It brought tears to Jim's eyes. All those happy memories. All the things he had clung to. All the time he had spent wishing, hoping, that Spock would come back to him. It was like a thorn piercing his heart.

"Jim, you must let me explain." Spock said, his voice and grip firm. Jim turned to look at him.

"I already told you. You don't have to. I get it. You just felt bad for the human that was being fucked up by his step-dad, and you know what, that's fine. I should have known. I mean. Just.. never mind. Let me go." Jim said, trying to keep his voice steady, to not let it crack, to not let Spock know just how miserable he was. But the Vulcan would have none of it.

Just like when they were children, he pulled Jim behind him, into the library, and into the rest room. Jim felt like a 12 year old once more. He just stared at Spock who had grown to be at least taller by a head. His hair cut was still the same. His face was still soft, handsome as ever. Just more grown up.

"Jim, I never pitied you. I never was your friend just because I thought you needed one. I was your friend because I wanted to be." Spock said quietly.

"Was. Past tense." Jim said, shaking his head, his voice bitter. "Past tense already, yeah? In your letter you said, and I quote 'I have, and always will be, your friend.' So you lied. I thought Vulcan's can't lie."

"...When I left Earth. When I left you, Jim. I was in unbearable pain. I had never experienced something like it. Leaving you behind was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life. I decided to push away those emotions. Simply so I wouldn't miss you too much." Spock said, his voice even, his expression blank. "I did not contact you after I came back to earth because I did not feel that I could go through such an emotional change again in my life. I stayed away from you Jim, because I am dangerous when not in control of my emotions. And you. You are the only one that can make me forget logic and reasoning. You are my friend, Jim. And because you are my friend, I cannot be close to you."

Jim couldn't help it. He had to laugh. He had to let go of all these emotions inside him, boiling up, throwing his mind into chaos. So he laughed. He laughed so hard he couldn't breath. Finally, his laughter quieted, and was replaced by silent tears.

"You're staying away from me because you are dangerous? What do you mean? Spock, that doesn't make any sense." Jim said, looking up into those cold eyes. But somehow, somewhere in those almost endless hues, he saw a spark. A spark of something he had seen in them back when he was a child.

"Jim. Vulcan's decided to live by logic because our emotions run deeper, much deeper, then human emotions do. When I lost control as a child. I almost killed your step-father. I was only a child then. But I would have done it if you had not stopped me. To protect my friend." Spock turned his back on Jim, his hands clasped at the small of his back once more as he kept talking. "You. You make me dangerous Jim. I cannot control myself the way I should around you. And I cannot risk you, or anyone else because of that. You must understand this Jim. I have meditated on this issue for many, many years. It is the only way."

"So what are you saying? I still don't get it Spock. I mean. So you can't control yourself as much. My step-father, he _deserved _what you did. I only stopped you because I was scared of what would happen to you if you actually finished him." Jim frowned, stepping forward, lightly touching Spock's shoulder. "What would be the worst thing that could happen? No one is hurting me anymore, Spock. You don't have to get angry at anyone. You don't have to protect me."

"Because Jim. You are much more then a friend." Spock said. He didn't want to say it. Didn't want to open himself up this much. Didn't want to tell Jim. He knew that if he did, he would never be able to forget him. That he would never be able to let go. And neither would Jim.

"So what, you're telling me you're in love with me? God damn it, Spock, look at me!" Jim grabbed the Vulcan's arm, forcing him to turn, to face him once more, his heart beating so hard he was sure it would jump out of his chest any second. "What the fuck do you mean?"

"No, Jim. I am not in love with you." Spock replied, closing his eyes. "I am not in love with you." He repeated, trying to steady his voice, his mind, his emotions. Jim's hand was firm, and much cooler then his own. Something he had always appreciated. Jim's lower body temperature. It was like they balanced each other out. At least that was what he had thought as a child.

"Then what, Spock? _What_?! Give me a fucking answer! What do you mean?!" Jim almost screamed, desperate, in need of any kind of information, so that he could understand, so he could cope, so he could make sense of why Spock could no longer be his friend. Tears were spilling from his eyes in a never ending stream, hitting the floor at his feet.

"T'hy'la." Spock said. „You are my T'hy'la." He shook his head. "You. You are my soul mate. That does not mean I love you, Jim, but it means that I could. It means I could spend the rest of my life with you. Friend. Mate. Brother. Soul mate. And that is what makes me being your friend impossible. I cannot settle for just one of those things, Jim. I cannot settle for anything less then all of them. I will never be able to see you with someone else without being jealous. I cannot watch someone touch you without wanting to push them away. And I will never be able to be happy for you, once you find the one that _you _want to spend your life with. I cannot be your friend Jim. Forgive me. But I cannot."

Jim stared at him. Speechless. But that didn't stop Spock from talking.

"I didn't realize when we were children. It was a long time after I returned to Vulcan that I understood what you meant to me, Jim. What you still mean to me. What you are to me. And that is the reason why I never looked for you. Why I didn't tell you I was back. I couldn't. I am sorry, Jim."

Jim was shocked. Shocked to the core. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, he couldn't even breath. It was too much. He couldn't stop Spock when he left the room, he couldn't say or do anything. He simply let him go.

* * *

Jim had to process this. He needed a drink. He needed a drink more then he had ever needed anything in his life. Soul mate. Brother. Friend. _Mate_. Spock had said he could see himself being with him. Jim Kirk. He couldn't believe it.

He hit the first bar he came across. Whiskey. He needed Whiskey. Glass after glass he drank, until his mind was clouded, and his thoughts seemed to calm, even though his head was still full of them.

Mate. Soul mate. And mate. Spock had to be kidding him. Could he be serious? But then, even if he was serious. What did that mean for Jim? Could he be all those things for Spock? Could he love him? Could he spend his life with him? Just the thought of being faithful and settled down made Jim shiver. He didn't know if he could do it, least of all with Spock, his childhood friend. Could he be his T'hy'la? Could he be everything that implied? Did he even _know_ what it implied?

Tossing back the rest of his drink, he knew he had to try. Spock had left a vicious dark hoe inside him. And if trying to be what Spock wanted him to be, needed him to be, then god damn he would try.

He got up, stumbling, reaching for the chair he had been sitting on to steady himself. The bartender said something about calling someone to take him home, but Jim just shook his head.

He needed to go see Spock.

He walked, or more likely stumbled, back onto campus. He didn't know exactly where Spock lived, but he knew where the teachers apartments where. He would find Spock, he would knock on every door. He would find him.

The building the teachers lived him was way on the other side of campus, sort of like an apartment tower, where Teachers lived door to door, but were granted the privacy of a small apartment. Jim had head about it, other cadets complaining how they wished they didn't have to sleep in the dorm with a room mate. Jim didn't mind living with Bones. He was a good man.

He barely made it to the teacher's building without falling, but somehow he managed. His vision was blurred, his head was pounding, and his stomach was rebelling against the amount of alcohol he had forced into it. But it didn't matter. It couldn't matter. He had to get Spock back, his best friend. He could pass out after he found him. He needed to focus.

Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself enough to walk up to the first door and violently knock on it. The teacher that opened the door was not amused, even less when Jim _demanded _in a drunken slur that he tell him where Spock was. The man shook his head.

"Boy, you are drunk enough to kill yourself on the way to his place. You should go to sleep. Disturbing a teacher, and a Vulcan at that, in your state is not a smart idea."

"I dun care.." Jim whispered, holding back the urge to vomit. "I need t-to talk to him _now._"

The teacher shook his head, pointing to the end of the row of doors. "He lives way over at the back. Last door. Can't miss it. Good luck." The door closed, and Jim made his way to the last door, emptying his stomach onto the floor three doors before he reached Spock's apartment.

"Spock!" he yelled, fists pounding on the door. "Spock! I know you're in there! Open the fucking door or I swear that I'll kick it in!" His voice echoed through the silent night. Minutes that seemed like hours passed, and finally, the door opened.

"Jim. What are you doing here?" Spock asked quietly, arching a slender brow as he looked at the clearly intoxicated human.

"We need to tlak.. Talk." Jim slurred, pushing his way into the apartment. The room was too hot, and he could feel his head spin.

"Jim you are drunk. You must return to your dorm and sleep." Spock said, leaving the door open, trying to push Jim back out, out of his private rooms, out of his already troubled mind.

"No! Fuck you!" Jim swore. "You can't just.. just confess to me like that and just.. just fucking leave! You can't. You left me before. 's not gonna happen again."

Spock shook his head. It was useless. He would not be able to convince Jim to leave, and he could not argue with him in this state. He estimated that he had about 10 more minutes before Jim's body would surrender to the alcohol in his blood, and pass out. 10 minutes. 10 minutes too much. 10 minutes in which so many things could be said, things that would put them both in hell when morning came. He walked over, resting his hand on Jim's shoulder, attempting to put him down, but Jim moved away from him in a drunken movement.

"Oh no! Don't you dare!" He spat, looking at Spock. "Don't even think about it. Don't do that nija.. nina... ninja move! We have to talk."

Spock sighed. "What do you want to talk about, Jim?"

"I wanna talk 'bout that..Th'ya'la.. whatever.. about the thing you said before. I dunno. I want to be your friend. I don't know if I can be more, do more, but I wanna try. I can't let you go. I just can't. It hurts too much." Jim whispered, not even realizing that his legs were giving away under him until he saw the floor coming closer. Just seconds later, he felt Spock's arms wrap around him, holding him tight.

"See?" Jim whispered. "This.. 's nice. 's nice. It feels good, Spock. I don't know if I can be you th'ya'la.. Th'... Whatever. But.. I wanna try. You hear me? I wanna try." Jim tried to fight his body that was slowly but surely forcing him to close his eyes, demanding rest from him. "I'ma try.. got it?" He slurred.

"Yes, Jim. I understood. Come. Lay down. We can talk more in the morning." Spock said, trying to sound as soothing as possible. He carried Jim to his bed, laying him on it, pulling the covers other the humans body.

"You promise? You swear we talk about it more tomorrow?" Jim asked, his eyes already closed as he drifted off.

"I promise, T'hy'la. I promise." Spock whispered, adjusting the room temperature to match the drunk humans needs.

"You better." Jim whispered, and only seconds later, he was sound asleep.

Spock looked down at the human in his bed, the innocent features, so beautiful, so appealing an he wished for nothing more then to make this man his. But Jim did not know what he was getting into. He did not know what it meant to be T'hy'la. If he explained, would Jim run? Or were his drunken words true? Did he want to try? Did losing him hurt the human so much? He needed to meditate. But he could not pull his eyes from the slim form in his bed. How he longed for him. He had told Jim the truth, he did not love him. But his body knew that this man was his T'hy'la. And it wanted to claim him, make him his. Spock shook his head, finally being able to pull himself from the temptation that was Jim Kirk, settling down to meditate, while the soft breathing of the one he needed so much filled the room.

They would talk tomorrow. They would find a way. And if they didn't. Spock knew Jim would be able to spend a happy life without him. He would never have to ask himself 'What if?' He would be able to put it down under things he tried, and carry on. And that was all that mattered.

Jim's happiness.

* * *

So. Finally, Chapter 6. This took me longer then I thought it would. I will remind you that even though Spock displayed a certain interest in Jim's body, this DOES NOT mean they will be having sex any time soon.

Please review and let me know what you think.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	7. Explosion

So, after a day of work, I can finally sit down and write. I will try to upload at least two chapters today, but please understand that I have not already written this story, but am actually typing each chapter individually each day.

If I cannot upload more then one chapter a day, or none at all, please do not be upset. I promise that I will be able to upload more on the weekend.

Enjoy.

* * *

Jim was woken much too early for his taste. His head was pounding, and his stomach was in knots. He swore he would never drink this much again. He tried to bat away the hand on his back, that was shaking him so merciless.

"No.. go away." Jim groaned, curling up in bed. But whoever was trying to wake him did not stop. Instead, he pulled the blankets from Jim, making him grunt with disapproval.

"Jim, wake up. You must go back to your dorm and get ready for class." Spock's voice was soft, and slowly, Jim seemed to remember what exactly had happened. He was in Spock's bed. Spock's. Bed. Quickly, he sat up, cursing himself just a second later. The room swam, and his stomach immediately let him know that it was not amused.

"God Spock.. Can't I just stay here and sleep off my hangover?" he whined, looking up at the Vulcan. "I mean.. its only the second day."

"And you have already missed my class yesterday. You must get up, now. You are not sick. You have no excuse to not go to classes." Spock's voice was even, but Jim could sense that Spock was about as amused as his abused stomach.

"Fine. I'm sorry." Jim muttered, rubbing his face as he slowly stood up. Of course Spock was pissed. Here he came to his room, piss drunk, yelling and swearing at him, just to pass out on his bed. In his private quarters. "I'll go. But.. we're still gonna talk, right?"

Spock sighed, not looking at Jim, almost as if he was trying to avoid the hope shining in those blue eyes. "We will talk. But not now. You must get ready. I have class all day. And so do you." He paused, staring at the wall. "We can talk tonight. You can come here once the sun sets."

"Okay. Again, I'm really sorry Spock. What I did wasn't.. wasn't fair. I won't do it again." Jim said, turning to the door. "I'll see you tonight." Jim waited only a few seconds for an answer that he knew would not come, before he left the room.

He was in for one hell of a ride.

* * *

Jim decided that he had only two things to do before he went to class. Brush his teeth. And pray to god and all his angels that Bones was back from his night shift to give him another hypo. Now, normally Jim tried to stay away from those things. But today, he needed one. Badly.

When he opened the door to his dorm room, he found Bones sleeping on his bed. The man looked exhausted. He was even still wearing his shoes. He must have had a long night. Jim thought about letting him sleep and trying to make it through the day without medication, but then decided that throwing up twice in 24 hours was more then enough.

"Hey, Bones." he said, shaking the older man's shoulder. "Wake up. You're a doctor, not sleeping beauty."

The look Bones shot him was deadly. Jim just smiled. "I need to go to class, and my stomach is still being an ass. Can you jab another Hypo in my neck? Maybe something that will take away a headache too?"

"God damn it, Jim. I am not your personal doctor." Bones said, slowly sitting up. "Fine. I'll give you one more hypo, but if it isn't better by tomorrow, you better go get a check up. Where the hell where you anyway?"

"Yeah yeah, just give me the shot, Doctor. And I crashed at a friends place." No need to tell Bones that he wasn't actually sick, and that the _friend_ he was referring to was not only a Vulcan, and a professor, but also his maybe soon to be boyfriend.

"Crashed at a friends place, huh? 's that what you kids are calling it today?" Bones sighed, grabbing for his emergency bag filled with clothes and hypo's. Jim had never asked him why he kept an emergency bag. He didn't think Bones would tell him.

"Bones. I have a stomach bug. Not really a turn on. I just fell asleep in the library, he found me, and since his room was closer, I slept there. Okay? Now get to it." Jim sat on his bed, tilting his head to the side to give Bones more access, and soon enough he felt the familiar sting.

"There. Your stomach and headache will settle in a few minutes. Now get ready and get out. I need to sleep. Another night shift coming up." Bones almost collapsed back onto his own bed, and was asleep soon after.

Jim had to grin. He barely knew Bones, but he already knew they would be pals. Now that the thought about it, it had been the same with Spock. Not right off the bat, but early anyway. He quickly slipped into the bathroom, taking a two minute shower, followed by quickly brushing his teeth and slipping into new clothes.

He'd be late because of the shower, but hey, two minutes wouldn't kill anyone. Grabbing his books he hurried out of the dorm, and made his way to class. Spock's class.

Oh joy.

* * *

Jim tried his hardest to concentrate on what Spock was teaching, but just seeing the Vulcan was enough to make his thoughts wander. About what Spock had said. About what he had said. He'd try. That's what he'd said. That he'd try. Did he know what he had gotten himself into? Somehow, Jim doubted it. Vulcan's where always so private about everything. Basically, everyone knew what they needed to know about them. That they could probably kick your ass, and where much smarter then most other races. That was it.

Jim noticed that Spock was trying to avoid him, not look at him, not walk close to him as he held his lecture. Jim wanted to listen, honest to god he did, but he just couldn't concentrate enough. When he left Spock's class, the headache was back.

The day didn't seem to pass. The sun didn't seem to set, like it was trying to mock Jim. The human was pacing in his room, checking the window every few seconds to see if maybe now the huge burning ball in the sky had decided to move towards the horizon.

"Jim, I swear to god, if you don't sit down, I will hurt you." Bones grumbled, rubbing at his eyes. "What got up your ass?"

"I'm just.. I have to do something, but I can't until the sun is down. And please, keep the sarcastic comment on that to yourself. I'm already tense as hell." Jim sighed, but finally sat down on his bed. Bones stayed silent.

The doctor could tell that Jim was too nervous to be baited into a playful argument. Something was really up, and Bones couldn't figure out what. He could, of course, ask but then Jim might not give him a straight answer. The boy was a genius when it came to weaseling himself out of situations he didn't want to be in, avoiding questions, and slipping away. If Jim wanted to talk to him about it, he would.

"How's your stomach?" he asked instead.

"Better. I think I'm over whatever I had." Jim mumbled, staring at the window so intently that Bones was almost afraid the glass would break under his stare.

"Yeah.. Listen, Jim. You know you can always talk to me right?" Bones said. "I mean. I'm not gonna act like I'm your dad or big brother or some shit like that but. You know. I'll always listen."

Jim smiled. "Thanks Bones. That's really nice of you. But right now.. I don't even know whats really going on so.. After tonight, I'm hoping that I'll understand. And then maybe you can help me."

"Sure thing Jim." Bones said, vanishing into the bathroom. Jim was still smiling. Looked like he actually did have a friend here. Maybe not the friend he has asked for. But a friend none the less.

So how bad could life get?

* * *

The sun hadn't fully set yet, but Jim couldn't care less. If he had to wait any longer, he would go insane. Made no sense to explain it then.

He knocked on Spock's door, stepping back to wait for the Vulcan to open. It only took a few second, and Spock was standing across from Jim, dark brown eyes so deep that Jim was afraid he might get lost in them.

"You are early." Spock said, turning to walk back into the room. Jim followed.

"Couldn't take the tension anymore." Jim simply said. Now that he was sober, he could actually take in what had to be Spock's living room. Aside of a white couch, and a glass table, the room was filled with bookshelves. Everything was sparkling clean. There were no pictures on the walls. No flowers to brighten up the room. The walls where a cold white. All in all, it was nice. But cold.

Spock motioned for him to sit on the couch, pulling up a chair for himself. They sat in silence for a little, the last rays of light coming through the window vanishing quickly, forcing Spock to turn on the lights.

Jim just stared at Spock. Would he start? Should he start? What was the right way to go about this? Jim wrecked his brain. They couldn't just sit here in silence until the next morning. This had to be talked about.

"So. What does it mean to be T'hy'la?" Jim finally asked. "You explained the words meaning. But.. you now. Not what it meant to _be_ T'hy'la."

"T'hy'la.." Spock started, closing his eyes for just a moment before continuing. "There is no human word for it Jim. T'hy'la is hard to explain. As I have told you before, the best translation is Soul mate. Once a Vulcan has found his or her T'hy'la they bond. And they spend the rest of their life together. That is the simplest way of saying it, Jim. It is very similar to human marriage. And yet, very different. When you are bonded, your minds, your bodies, they become one. There is no you, and me. There is only _us._"

Jim rubbed his face. "So to sum it up, if I agree to be your T'hy'la, if we do this, we get married?"

Spock shook his head. How could he explain the complex thing that was bonding amongst Vulcan's to a human? Was that even possible?

"No, Jim. It is not only marriage. You and I. We would be bonded. A bond is something very private, something very strong. Skilled telepath's can send thoughts into their mate's head. But in general, the bond can make you feel what I feel, and vice versa. There is no more hiding, no more privacy nothing. Bond mates are one, Jim. And if one dies, the possibility of the second dying his high. I do not know if you understand what it means to be bonded Jim, and I am not sure I can explain. I have never been bonded to anyone." Spock leaned back in his chair. "I could try to show you, however, what you already mean to me."

Jim looked at the Vulcan that had almost slumped down on his chair. "What do you mean show?" His voice was shaking. Spock didn't.. he didn't mean.. did he? His thoughts where racing and he almost felt dizzy, but Spock quickly shattered his fears.

"A mind melt, Jim. Have you heard of them?" Jim nodded. Yes, he had heard of mind melts. They had been forbidden, because the Vulcan's feared the diseases that were caused by untrained Vulcan's attempting a mind meld. Once a cure had been found, they had been allowed once more. But it was still something very private, very intimate, as far as Jim understood.

"Isn't that insanely intimate for you, though?" Jim voiced his concern.

"Yes, Jim, it is. But you deserve to understand. You deserve to _know._ You cannot make a decision without this. And I will not ask something of you that you simply cannot fathom. If you allow me, I will try and show you."

Jim didn't have to think about it. If this was going to help him understand, help him get what Spock was talking about, then he was in. It seemed so important to Spock that he knew what he was getting into. And Jim wasn't going to complain. He wanted to figure out what exactly Spock would expect from him before he just dove into it head first.

"Okay. Does it hurt?" He asked, as Spock stood and sat next to Jim, dark hues staring into his.

"No, Jim. It does not hurt. I will not go deep enough for it to hurt. You will feel me move in your thoughts. You will feel what I feel. You will know what I know. And you will understand. Hold still. Do not move." Spock's voice was barely above a whisper as he pressed his fingertips against the meld points on Jim's face.

At first Jim felt nothing. Just utter silence.

And then it _exploded_. Colors, sounds, thoughts, things he had never seen or heard before where suddenly overwhelming him, sending his own thoughts spinning.

'_Jim.'_ a soft voice called. '_Focus, T'hy'la.'_

Jim could feel Spock's mind brush against his, almost painfully gentle. It was the most intense thing he had ever experienced in his entire life. Never had he felt so alive. His entire body was on fire, every nerve tingling as he willingly accepted Spock's mind into his. He did not know how he did it, but he could feel the weight of Spock's mind in his head, heavy and light at the same time. Dark and bright. Everything and nothing. It was almost too much to bear.

_'Relax, T'hy'la. It is normal for you to feel overwhelmed. Focus on my voice. I cannot show you what you must see if your mind is captured by chaos.'_

Jim tried. Honestly tried. He wanted to focus on Spock's voice, but it was so hard. So hard to focus on one thing when there were so many things to hear and see. So many things to explore. So many things to understand.

_'Jim. You are pulling me deeper. Concentrate, Jim. Do not pull me into your mind any further.'_

What an odd thing to say, Jim thought. But Spock's voice was firm. Jim knew he had to listen to him now, or he would be in trouble. So he focused. Pushed away all the other things he was experiencing. And finally, what was left was Spock and an emptiness that was almost painful.

_'I will show you now, Jim, what T'hy'la means. What you mean. Do not pull back, T'hy'la.'_

It was so strange to hear Spock's voice so deep in his mind. That silken voice was touching him in places he never should have been touched, and yet there it was, wrapping around his mind, brushing his senses. Spock's mind was the most amazing thing he had ever encountered.

Then, out of nowhere, feelings flooded the emptiness. Jim's heart skipped a beat, his breathing hitched, fireworks exploding in his brain. The feelings he felt were too strong, too much, too harsh, and yet _so good._

There were no words to describe it. No labels to put whatever he was feeling. But it wrapped him up, tugged at him, threw him around, and all he could do was beg for more.

_'Spock. More. Show me more. This is how you feel know. Show me what we could have. Can you do that?' _he didn't have time to wait for a reply. Another wave came crashing down on him, and it was like he was drowning. Drowning in Spock's mind, his essence, something that was utterly and plainly _Spock._

_'This is T'hy'la, Jim. This is what it means. And if we embrace it, our bond will grow, it will deepen and we will both be able to feel things we have never imagined, never dreamt of.'_

Jim couldn't reply. He couldn't think. He couldn't move. He was flying, soaring through skies he had never seen. Swimming through the deepest oceans, and climbing the highest mountains all at the same time. There was no limit. He felt like he could do anything.

When Spock's mind started to slip away, Jim panicked. He didn't want Spock to leave. He needed him. Never again did he want to feel the emptiness. The pain. He never wanted to let go. With all his power, with everything he had, and not knowing how he did it, he grabbed Spock's mind, forcing it to stay in his.

_'Jim. Let me go. T'hy'la. Do not make me force you. Let go.'_

_'But I don't want you to go.' _Jim whispered. '_Please, Spock, don't go.'_

_'I am not going, T'hy'la. But we cannot stay like this. Let me go T'hy'la. Come back to your body. Let go.'_

There was a hint of fear in Spock's voice, and Jim let go immediately. If Spock was afraid, afraid him, afraid of what he was doing... he couldn't stand the thought of it. Jim pushed Spock's mind away, pushed with such force that he couldn't breath.

The last thing he heard before he fainted was a soft whisper close to his ear.

"T'hy'la."

* * *

When Jim opened his eyes he felt faint. He had to be dreaming. There was no way he could feel something so intense. It had to be a dream. Nothing could ever feel so _good._

But when his eyes finally focused, he could see Spock's face. Those bottomless eyes staring into his, a worried expression embedded in them so deeply he wanted to reach out to the Vulcan and caress his cheek. Let him know that he was okay. That he hadn't hurt him.

"That was real, wasn't it?" he whispered quietly, still looking into the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. "That's what it means to be T'hy'la. All that. And much more. Isn't it?"

Spock nodded. "Yes Jim. I showed you what you are to me. What T'hy'la means to me. If you and I bonded. It would be much more."

"God Spock. That.. I mean.. it was fucking _amazing_. If it gets even more, I think I might just break into two." Slowly, Jim sat up, forcing Spock to pull back. He was laying on the couch, the Vulcan kneeling next to him. Jim had never thought of Spock as beautiful. Handsome, yes. But now, Spock's face was transcendental.

"Jim.." Spock said, but Jim shook his head, silencing the Vulcan.

"Spock. You said you didn't love me. You don't. I realize that now. But what I felt when you.. when your mind was in mine. If that is just the beginning. If I could feel like that. If I could make you feel even more. I need to try. I don't know how to go about it. But I know that this is something I want. I do, Spock. If we can make this work, I'm in. I just need to know what to do."

It took Spock a long time to answer. Almost too long for Jim. He felt his body shaking. What if Spock think he couldn't take it? What if Spock thought he wasn't good enough after all?

"I do not know any better then you do, Jim. But. If you are considering this. Then we should get to know each other." He finally said.

"But Spock, we know each other already." Jim said, tilting his head to the side. "I mean. We're best friends."

"Jim, we are best friends, but the last time we spent time together was 7 years ago. I have changed. You have changed. We need more time. A bond is nothing I will take lightly. We must move slowly."

Somehow, that made sense, now that Jim thought about it. When he looked at Spock, he could still see the child he had met. But he also realized that there was so much more. So many new things to know and treasure.

"Okay so what? We go on a date?" He asked.

"No Jim. At this point in time, I do not wish to pursue a romantic relationship with you. It is too early. I would suggest that we meet regularly, exchange memories and events we have gathered in the years we where apart. Once we know each other better, and you still wish to follow this path, we can start contemplating a more... intimate relationship." Spock's lips barely moved, as if the words were painful to say. And Jim understood why.

The idea of waiting, of pushing away a deeper relationship, postponing it was almost unbearable. His mind and body screamed for the Vulcan, and he could only imagine how hard it was for Spock. But he was right. They simply needed more time.

"That sounds like a plan." Jim sighed, rubbing his face once more. He was suddenly so tired. As if his entire energy was flowing out of his body. "I think I need to sleep."

"Exhaustion is a typical side affect of mind melts, T'hy'la." Spock said. "I am sorry , but you cannot stay. I cannot control my emotions sufficiently at this moment. You must return to your dorm."

"Spock, I'd love to, but I can barely sit up." Jim mumbled, leaning against the back of the couch, his eyes already fluttering shut. "I can't walk back."

Hot, burning arms picked Jim up, and Jim gave in to the need to curl up against the Vulcan's chest. "You're nice and warm Spock." Jim muttered before falling into a peaceful slumber in Spock's arm.

Spock looked down at the human in his arm. His breathing was even. His eyes moved under his eyelids. Jim was dreaming.

Shaking his head in defeat, Spock walked out the door. Thankfully he already knew where Jim's room was, and he didn't have to find out with the man resting in his arms. The stars were shining brightly above them, and silence laid over campus like a veil. Spock hoped that no one would see him carrying a sleeping student in his arms.

While it was not forbidden to be in a relationship with a cadet in general, if said cadet was in a professor's class, that could lead to a termination of the working contract. Spock did not want to lose his job. He felt comfortable teaching. Despite his fathers protest, he had decided to join Star Fleet.

When he finally reached Jim's dorm room, the door opened before he had even touched it. The human he had met before almost bumped straight into him. Spock was starting to wonder if humans ever used their eyes when they excited rooms.

"Fucking hell, at least warn a man." the man cursed, frowning at the slumbering form in the Vulcan's arms. "Did he pass out?"

"I believe he has strained himself." Spock answered, waiting for the human to move to the side. "I was just returning him to his room so that he may rest."

"What did he do?" Spock had to fight off a frown. This human was much too curious, and he didn't appreciate the look he gave him.

"I am sure Jim will inform you when he wakes." Spock said, his voice sharp, his words too firm for his own taste.

"Take it easy. I'm his doctor. I'm only asking because I have to know if I should take him to the clinic with me or if its okay to leave him here and sleep." The human stepped back, lifting his hands, as if he was trying to show the Vulcan that he was unarmed, and didn't mean harm.

"I believe he will be fine once he is rested, Doctor." But the human didn't move from the door.

"I tell you what, I'm the doctor so how about you let me decide." He drawled. Jim's eyes slowly opened.

"'s going on?" he mumbled, opening his eyes just enough to assess the situation. "Bones? I though you had another night shift."

"I came home to change." Bones answered, still staring at the Vulcan. "This pointy eared bastard just showed up with you in arms, and refuses to tell me whats going on."

A low, rumbling sound erupted from Spock's chest, and instinctively Jim knew that was a bad sign.

"Its fine, Bones, I just drank too much and passed out. Professor Spock was nice enough to bring me home." Jim answered, gently urging Spock to let him down. "I'm fine now. I think I'm still recovering from the stomach bug. That's all."

Bones gave him a look that just yelled _Liar_. But he let it go. Jim was sure he would ask him when Spock wasn't around.

"Fine. Go lay down and sleep it off. And you. Leave him alone." he turned to look at Spock. Jim looked at Spock. His face was as expressionless as ever, but he still wasn't sure if Spock would let Bones boss him around. And if he didn't. They were both in trouble. And Jim started to see what Spock meant when he had said he was dangerous.

Bones might not be able to see it, but Jim could almost taste the tension radiating off Spock. His posture was different, stiff, but his muscles where working under the black shirt. If he didn't step in, things would get out of hand.

"Thanks Bones, but the professor was really only helping me. I'm fine now, though, you can both leave and let me sleep." Bones mumbled something below his breath but he gave in, and left. Spock stood there for a few more seconds.

"Its okay Spock. He's like a big brother. He looks after me. Don't worry." Jim said, trying to make his voice sound as soothing as possible, to try and bring Spock back to a emotional level the Vulcan could actually handle.

"I look after you." His voice was rough, his eyes burning. "You do not need him."

This was spiraling out of control, quickly, and Jim realized that if he didn't calm Spock down, he would go after Bones. Actually _go after_ him. For the first time in his life, Jim was almost afraid of Spock. Almost.

What if someone was hitting on Spock? How would he feel? Of course, Bones wasn't hitting on him, but if Jim remembered it right, Spock had told him that he was going to be possessive. It made Jim's skin crawl with fear and pleasure. An odd mixture that made it just that much more _satisfying. _

"Yes Spock, I know. You're all I need. But Bones doesn't know that. Okay? I'll tell him tomorrow. I promise. You need to meditate. Just.. go back to your room, and meditate. Please?" They were still standing in front of his room, and Jim prayed that no one was overhearing their conversation.

"I will meditate here." Spock said, pushing Jim into his room. "You sleep. I will meditate."

"Spock its too cold in here for you." Jim said, trying to convince the Vulcan to go back, but Spock had already settled down on the floor, looking at Jim, waiting for him to get into bed. What would happen if Spock didn't get himself under control, and Bones came back, aggravated and tired from his shift? Nothing good. He needed to think. Needed to get Spock out.

"T'hy'la." Jim quietly said. Spock's eyes widened. "T'hy'la. Don't you trust me?" he asked.

"Of course I trust you, Jim, T'hy'la." Spock answered, sounding almost hurt.

"Then trust me when I tell you that you cannot stay here. You have to go back. Trust me, T'hy'la. Please." Jim could barely pronounce the word right, it felt foreign to his tongue, as if the human mouth was never made to say such a word. He stared into Spock's eyes, that where slowly drowning out the emotions that had been filling them.

"You are right, Jim. I apologize." Spock slowly rose to his feet, looking at Jim. "I will retire now. Please rest. We can talk more tomorrow." Jim didn't get a chance to answer. Spock was already gone.

His bed had never looked so inviting. He could feel the tension and adrenaline that had been pumping through his veins fade away, and he could do nothing but stumble into his bed.

That could have gone worse. He thought sleepily. That could have gone a lot worse.

Sleep claimed his body, pulling him into the land of dreams.

* * *

So. Here's Chapter 7. I honestly have to say I am not too sure about this one. But after rereading and editing it twice, I decided this just had to be it.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma.


	8. Lover's spat

So. Here is chapter 8. But before I start, some of you feel that Spock is not very Spock like. Because of his often emotionally steered behavior.

Actually, I did all of that on purpose. Simply to show _how much_ Jim actually effects him. And lets face it, if you saw the love of your life after 7 years, you'd go a little crazy too.

But, I am not planning to have Spock be like that in general. I simply wanted to give him a chance to also be part human. I understand that this might be strange for some readers that are used to a super up tight Spock and all that.

I like to think of him as a little more human then most others. Also I feel that T'hy'la is something so special, so out of the ordinary that even Spock gets to be a little off. Give the poor guy a chance to get used to it.

Well, that being said. Enjoy.

* * *

Spock had meditated all night. Had let his mind calm. Had let his body relax. Finally, he felt he was somewhat in control once more. Jim had always had that effect on him, pulling out his human side, making him feel. And even though sometimes, just sometimes, he enjoyed it, he had to ere on the side of caution.

He was, after all, Jim's professor. And while he and a cadet could be friends, a relationship was not allowed. Spock contemplated on the changes he would have to make if he and Jim bonded.

If they waited until Jim was out of the academy, and on an actual ship, there would be no issue. He could still teach, and see Jim whenever he was on earth. Of course, he did not know how much time Jim would actually be granted to be on earth, depending on how many missions he was on, the kind of mission, and in what position he would be on said ship.

They might only be able to see each other once or twice a year for a few weeks.

If they bonded while Jim was still a cadet, the human would not be able to be in his class anymore, a class that he needed to pursue the career he wanted. There was no other teacher for this class. A bond would force Jim to take another path.

Unless Spock stopped teaching and retired, found another place to work, another position.

And even though all of this was still far in the future, it was something that troubled the Vulcan greatly.

When morning came, Spock finally felt like himself once more. The last few days and the events they had brought along had made him stumble, his Vulcan control falter. It was only logical for him to be troubled, but now it was time for him to return to what he had lived by for most of his life.

The incident with the Doctor had showed him much too clearly that he was not only putting himself, but also others at risk. Spock took a deep breath, rising from the floor to stand. Jim enjoyed when he embraced his feelings. But for now, those feelings needed to be suppressed.

* * *

Jim was woken from a pleasant dream in a very unpleasant way. A bucket of cold water emptied over him made him jump, cursing loudly as he tried to make out whoever had dared to wake him in such a way. His eyes quickly caught the grinning face of Bones.

"Good morning." The doctor said, unusual cheerful. "Come on, get up. You and I need to talk before you head to class."

"And you couldn't just have woken me like a normal human being?!" Kirk spat, wiping the water from his face.

"No. You got a lot to explain kid. For example, why that Vulcan professor was about ready to snap me in two. And don't look at me like that, I know what I saw. He was pissed, in a way that no human would survive if he decided to act on it." Bones sat down on the bed across of Jim's. "Wanna explain?"

Jim sighed and rubbed his face. "It's complicated Bones. It won't happen again. Spock will make sure of that. I think he was more upset about it then you and I put together."

"They do get touchy when their perfect little world of logic fails them." The doctor answered, laying back on his bed, resting his head on the pillow, still looking at his room mate. "You wanna tell me why it happened last night?"

Jim didn't. But he knew he had to. Bones was not stupid and he would not let this go.

So Jim told him. How he and Spock had been friends as children. How they had just met again. The whole T'hy'la business. Everything there was to say. That they were trying to work it out.

Bones eyes grew bigger with every word Jim said until they could not possibly get any bigger.

"So what you're saying. Is that you might end up marrying that green blooded, pointy eared, cold Vulcan?" He asked. "Boy, either I am hearing things and going crazy, or _you_ are going crazy."

"Why'd you say that Bones?" Jim asked, finally rolling out of bed, taking off his wet clothes, walking into the bathroom to fetch his toothbrush, brushing them in front of the mirror. He had never felt uncomfortable getting undressed in front of Bones. He had nothing Bones hadn't already seen, and the Doctor was as straight as a human can be.

"Well. First of all, you are way too young to even consider getting married Jim. Second, the Vulcan's are different then we are Jim. They're not only possessive, but crazy jealous. Why do you think they decided to go with logic? Those bastards were so damn irrational that they were bashing each others heads in. I mean, what if he loses it one day? What if he actually kills someone?"

"He won't, Bones. And I told you we were taking things slow. We're not even dating. We're just friends at this point. I don't even know if that will work out. I can go from there." Jim turned to look at Bones. "Honestly, Bones. You're acting like a dad. 'Can't you find a nice human girl that doesn't have the strength to actually rip off someone's limps?'"

"I'm just looking out for you kid. Now I don't know this guy, but I'm telling you. This is trouble. You know too little about Vulcan's. Heck, _nobody_ really knows anything about them. Sure, we know everything we have to, but those pointy eared hobgoblins are so god damn tight lipped you couldn't open their mouths with a crowbar. Jim, I know marriage. You better jot this down as 'Well, though shit' and run." Bones sighed, leaning against the wall as Jim stepped into the shower.

"Look Bones, I get what you're saying. And to be honest, I'm scared too. Not because I don't trust Spock, but because I... I'm not sure I really understand what being bonded means to a Vulcan. I mean its not like I have anyone else to talk to about aside of Spock, and he can only tell me what it is too him. But..." Jim sighed, letting the water run down his body, soothing his aching muscles. "I want to try it, Bones. If I didn't, I'd hate myself forever."

"Well, you're digging your own grave then. Hurry up. You gotta get to class, and I need to sleep. And tonight, I'm taking you out for a drink. I've got the day off tomorrow." Bones said, leaving before Jim could decline. He much rather spend his evening with Spock. But Bones deserved a night out. And Spock probably needed more time to meditate. It would work out fine.

Jim for once actually made it to class without being late. He wouldn't see Spock until after lunch break. He thought of going to look for him during the break, but he decided to keep a low profile. No need to pull attention onto their situation.

When Spock's class was over, Jim stayed behind. He walked up to his Professor, giving him his biggest smile. Spock's eyebrow arched.

"How can I help you, Cadet Kirk?" He asked quietly, watching the other cadets leaving the room, until they were finally alone. Jim glanced through the room a second time just to make sure.

"I'm going out for a few drinks with Bones tonight. Just thought I'd let you know." Jim said, waiting for Spock's reaction.

"Understood. I will require more meditation, so I would not have agreed to see you tonight." Spock's way of saying 'Go ahead'.

"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow then, Professor." Jim hurried out of the class room, making his way to his next class. Spock's eyes had been cold once more, a definite sign that he had at least won back some control. It made Jim feel good, and bad at the same time. He loved when Spock was emotional. But he knew that for know, this was for the best.

The rest of the day passed too slowly for Jim. He was looking forward to a night out with Bones. It would be fun to hang out, drink, talk. Maybe Bones would even tell him more about his ex-wife. Yeah, Jim was looking forward to it.

Bones picked an old Irish pub. The place smelled of wood, and everything in it was carefully looked after. The wood was polished, the seats where clean, and the music was just loud enjoy to still be able to talk, and enjoy the tunes at the same time.

The place was filling up quickly, people laughing, drinking, sharing stories and memories. Jim couldn't stop grinning. Bones was carefully nursing a glass of his favorite scotch. Jim had gone for a beer. They talked about Jim's childhood, about Bone's daughter that Jim decided he wanted to meet someday.

Jim told him about the time he had stolen his father's car, the one Frank had been keeping, after he had been moved to John and Margaret. How he had wanted to make sure that Frank wouldn't sell it just out of spite. Make money from the only thing his father had left him. So one day he went back, got into the car, and drove it off the next best cliff. Bones was laughing so hard Jim was almost afraid he would choke on his spit.

Jim enjoyed himself so much, and yet he couldn't shake the nagging thought that he would probably never be able to do this with Spock. He couldn't imagine the Vulcan sitting here, enjoying the drunkenness and music around him. Spock had never liked crowds, even as a child. Jim shook his head. This was not the time to think of that. He was here to enjoy himself.

It was way past midnight when Jim and Bones finally decided they had enough. While Jim was still somewhat clear, having only ingested a couple of beer's, Bones was way gone. Jim had to keep the drunken doctor from walking against street lambs, or out onto the street. They both giggled uncontrollably.

"'s. Jim. That Vulcan. Whats it like?" Bones slurred as they made their way back to the campus, arm in arm.

"Bones. Its fucking amazing. I tell you." Jim answered, once more keeping Bones from stumbling and falling. "Fucking amazing. 's what it is."

"That's what I said when I met my wife. All gooey eyed and shit. And now look at me. All I got left are my bones."

"And you should be thankful that she didn't take those too, Bones." Jim laughed. "God. I need to take a break. I literally can't take another step."

"There's a bench right over there." Bones mumbled, and Jim walked him over, trying to make McCoy walk in a straight line, but failing miserably. They let themselves almost fall onto the bench, still giggling like mad men.

"So. This Spock." Bones started again.

"Oh come on Bones. Can't you knock it off for like ten minutes?" Jim sighed, leaning back against the bench, laying his head back, staring into the clear sky, stars shining so bright. One of those could be Vulcan, he thought. He hoped that one day, he could see Spock's home planet.

"Just one more thing, then I'll shut up, I promise." Bones mumbled, trying not to trip over his words. "Do you think you can love him?"

Jim pondered that thought. Could he love Spock? Really and honestly love him? Spend his life with him? Grow old with him? Did he see himself living with him in a house with a garden, with a white fence? The answer was immediate in his mind.

"Yes, Bones. I think I can love him I think in a way I already do. When he saved me from Frank, my step-father.. when he first told me he trusted me.. I don't have words to describe what I felt back then Bones. And now, its just so much more. T'hy'la means Soul mate. I think he really is mine. Leonard.. he is the only one I would settle down with. Am I in love with him? No. Not in a romantic sense. But... he's my everything." Jim shrugged, turning to Bones.

The older man looked at him, sighing quietly. "You are a drowning man Jim. And drowning men always end up in front of altar."

"Yeah..." Jim smiled weakly, carefully standing. "Come on. We gotta get back." Wrapping an arm around the Doctor, he pulled him up, holding him tight. "You better have some hypo's to give us as soon as we wake up, Bones. We're gonna need 'em."

Bones made a sound between a snort and a laugh, but stayed silent. They made their way to the campus, Jim putting Bones to bed, placing a small trash can next to him, just in case he would be sick.

"Night Bones." he mumbled, crawling into his bed, listening to his roommates quiet breathing before drifting off into sleep himself.

* * *

An annoying, shrill sound woke Jim from his sleep. His alarm clock was ringing, urging him to get up for class. Jim groaned. No way was he going to class today. So he'd miss another day. It was Bones fault. He'd have the doctor write him off sick, and be done with it.

The doctor himself was still sleeping soundly.

He quickly silenced the offensive piece of technology and turned around in his bed. So he'd miss Spock's class. Big deal.

Not wasting a second thought on it, Jim curled up, and fell straight back to sleep.

* * *

"Jim get up." Bones called, but his voice seemed so far away that Jim barely understood. Slowly, he sat up, rubbing at his eyes. Once more his head was pounding. Why, oh why, did he always drink so much?

"What's up, Bones?" he asked as the Doctor entered the room. His eyes slid to the alarm clock. It was barely noon.

"You've got a visitor. Your soon-to-be-husband is at the door." The doctor teased quietly. Jim groaned. Spock. Not that he didn't love to see his friend, but he somehow knew that he was in trouble.

He got to his feet, walking to the door, greeted by his Vulcan. Yes, _his_ Vulcan.

"What's up, Professor?" Jim asked.

"Drop the Professor act, Jim, we all know that's a lie!" Bones called from the bedroom.

"Bones, shut it. Nobody asked for your comment." He called back, turning to Spock with a smirk. "No one usually does, but that guy just doesn't know when to shut it."

"You did not come to class." Spock stated, looking down at Jim. "This is the second day you have missed in only 3 days of class."

"I know, Spock, I'm really sorry. Bones and I got kinda shit faced last night. He had the day off and I just couldn't get out of bed." Jim gave the Vulcan an apologetic smile. "I'll be there tomorrow, I promise."

"Jim, I must inform you that if you miss my class three times without a doctors slip that attests to your inability to take part in my class, I will have to fail you." Spock said, his face as unmoving as ever.

"Wait. You're saying if I miss one more time without a doctors slip, you're throwing me out of your class?" He asked, staring at Spock in disbelief.

"That is correct." Spock said. "I cannot treat you any different then the other cadets, Jim. If you miss my class once more without being sick, I cannot let you proceed in it."

"But that will throw me back a whole year!" Jim gaped at Spock. "You can't be serious."

"Jim, I am not dismissing you now. I am simply informing you, that it would not be wise to miss another class without a valid reason." Spock's eyebrow arched. Jim searched the Vulcan's eyes for something, anything. But there was nothing to find. They were empty.

"Yeah but you can't be serious. I mean. I was ill that first day! I mean I basically vomited in front of you." Jim said, his eyebrows furrowed.

"And you could have returned once your stomach had settled. I understand that it was a quite emotional moment, but that does not mean that you can skip my class." Spock said firmly.

"Oh right, because being emotional just doesn't count for you, does it?" Jim spat.

"That is not what I was trying to say, Jim." Spock answered.

"Then what the fuck were you trying to say?" Jim snarled. "Was me being so fucking shocked and hurt to see you not a god damn valid reason to skip your class? Are my emotions, my _pain_, not a good enough reason for you?!"

"Jim, you are acting irrational. All students must keep to my rules, and while other teachers are not as strict, I have learned that discipline and strictness will provide for a much better result."

"Well fuck, Spock, and here I thought I was special." Jim drawled, and then slammed the door shut. Irrational his ass. He was his best friend. He couldn't believe Spock was counting that first day as missed. What did he expect?

Jim was fuming as he threw himself back onto his bed.

"Lover's spat?" Bones asked, sitting down next to him.

"Yeah." Jim answered, huffing. "He said if I miss his class again he'll kick me out. Like. He counted that first day where I almost had a heart attack because of him and threw up all over the place as a missed day, cause I didn't have a god damn doctors slip."

"Wait, can't I write you one now? I mean I'll take you to the clinic and just muster something up." Bones said, patting Jim's shoulder. "Love ain't easy, is it?"

"He wouldn't accept it. He knows I was just hungover. Doesn't really count as sick." Jim sighed. "You know, I get that I have to follow the rules like everyone else, but. That first time, that wasn't my fault, Bones."

"Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Go take a shower, I'll give you a hypo for the hangover, and you can go talk to him."

Jim scoffed. "And tell him what? That he hurt my feelings? Not going to change anything. He pulled the whole 'Oh I must treat you like everyone else, and an emotional break down just isn't a good excuse' shit on me. Honestly, if I go talk to him now, I think I'd just end up punching him in that pretty face of his. With a chair."

"Yeah, if you use your fist you're just gonna break your hand." Bones smirked. "Okay, well, get showered, and we'll go to the city. Eat something. I need to go buy some stuff anyway. Feels like all my white shirts are ruined after the last two night shifts."

"Sounds good, Bones. I'll grab a shower and we can go." Jim felt better already. He quickly grabbed some fresh clothes, hopping into the shower, hurrying to wash himself and slip into his clothes. He didn't bother drying his hair. It would dry with the sun shining on it.

"Well, lets do it. Where we go first?" He asked, pulling on his sneakers.

"Bookstore, I'm gonna see what I can find on Vulcan's." Bones said, already out of the door.

"Spying on my friend, yeah?" Jim grinned. "Can't hurt though. Spock is pretty private. Maybe it'll help me get him a little better."

"It better. Come on, we ain't got all day."

* * *

The day was pleasant. Jim and Bones spent it goofing around the city, having lunch at a sweet little Italian place, followed by a stop at an ice cream stand. They wandered through every book store they came across, buying some new white t-shirts for Bones, and finally just sat down on the steps of the city library, sipping at the coffee they had gotten.

The sky was clear, not a single cloud. The sun was shining so bright and hot that Jim could feel the sweat running down the back of his neck. Bones was bitter, maybe even cynical. But he was a blast to be around, and he always new what to say to make Jim feel better. A good friend.

After a while of just sitting around, they decided to go watch a movie, grab some dinner and go back to campus. The movie was funny, and Bones picked a great restaurant for dinner. Jim had never been so full in his life.

They both went to bed early that night. And even though Jim had had such a wonderful day, he was wondering what Spock was doing. And if he was thinking of him.

* * *

Spock stared at the door that had just been shut. He took a second before he turned to leave. Never had anyone acted in such a way.

He did not understand why Jim was so upset. He had simply given him an important piece of information so that he would not have to ban him from his class. Jim's emotional reaction was confusing.

Why had Jim suddenly been so upset? Spock did not have time to ponder on that thought for very long. He had to get back to class. He did after all have responsibilities that had to be adhered to by him. He decided that he would have to talk to Jim later once more after classes.

But as he knocked on Jim's door late that afternoon, no one opened the door. He checked the library, but Jim was not there. He even checked the clinic, for both Jim and the Doctor that lived with him, but he was told that neither of them had shown up at the clinic.

As he could not find his T'hy'la, Spock assumed that the human was out with his friend once more, and he returned to his room. If Jim was still too emotional, trying to talk to him would make little sense. If he waited until tomorrow, Jim might be more accessible, and see the reasoning behind Spock's words.

The Vulcan dimmed the lights, once more sitting down on the floor, the scented candles reminding him so much of home. He fell into a deep trance, meditating, reflecting on the days events.

It took him longer then it should have. Jim was upset with him, and it made Spock very uncomfortable. His T'hy'la shouldn't be upset with him, but he did not understand why the situation had become this way.

Laying down on his bed, Spock closed his eyes. He would talk to Jim, and they would clear things up. And by this time tomorrow, everything would be in order once more.

* * *

The next day, Jim was still pissed. Sure, Spock's argument made sense, somehow. But he couldn't help feeling hurt and bothered by the fact that apparently, his emotional breakdown wasn't a good reason for Spock.

What was a good reason then? Cancer? Jim huffed. He was not going to give in. If Spock wanted to be his friend, to know him, then he'd have to figure out what was going on. He wasn't just going to hand it to him on a silver platter.

Immature once could say. Jim didn't care.

So when he sat in Spock's class, he had his gaze fixed at the wall, his table, sometimes even his fingernails, but never on Spock. Even as the Vulcan called his name and asked him to solve the problem they were working on, Jim just stared right passed him as he gave him the answer.

As the class was over, Spock called after him. "Cadet Kirk, a word, please."

Jim frowned. He couldn't just go. He was still surrounded by other cadets that were leaving the room. If he just walked out, that would be very disrespectful, and people would talk. As upset as he was with Spock, he didn't want to embarrass him in front of his class.

He walked to his Professor, some of the students staying behind to watch.

"Yes, Professor?" he asked quietly. Spock looked at him for a second before dismissing the few students that had stayed behind, his voice firm, and cold. They quickly scurried out.

"You are upset at me." Spock simply stated.

"No shit, Sherlock." Jim answered. "Look, only reason I'm standing in front of you right know is because I didn't want to disobey you in front of others. I only have 5 minutes till my next class, and if I remember correctly, an emotional reaction isn't a good excuse to miss it. Now, if you'll excuse me _Professor._"

"Jim. I do not understand why you are troubled." Spock said. "I wish to talk about it."

"Well, wish upon a shooting star and it might happen." Jim spat, turning his back on Spock and walking out. _Childish! _The rational side of his brain screamed. _Psh, he deserved that._ Answered the emotional side. Well. He had already started off being childish. He was going to go through with it.

* * *

Spock stared at the empty spot where his T'hy'la had just stood. Another very strong emotional reaction. Spock was speechless. Never had Jim been so upset at him, never had he spoken to him in such a way.

Spock wondered what exactly he had said to make him so upset. Surely Jim did not believe that his emotions were not important to Spock. He had simply tried to make Jim understand just how important it was to go to class, not only his, but every class the human was taking.

The Vulcan remembered how he had tutored a twelve year old Jim Kirk, sitting in the library with him for hours, trying to help him grasp the information that he needed to pass his tests. He had to admit that while he did enjoy that time, he had been worried about Jim's academic achievements, and still was. He wanted his T'hy'la to excel at his classes so that he could pursue the career he wanted to without problems.

He would have to find out what exactly he had done, and if Jim refused to talk to him, there was only one logical option. Jim and Dr McCoy seemed close. He would have to go to the clinic and ask the doctor.

Of course he knew that Leonard McCoy did not appreciate him very much, and that the chance that he turned him away were approximately 76.34 percent, but he had to try.

When he had finished up his classes, and spent a few extra minutes with Cadet Uhura, an overly eager student with an ambition he had hardly ever encountered, he made his way to the clinic.

"Professor Spock, how can I help you?" a nurse asked as he entered the building. "Are you feeling ill?"

"My condition is satisfactory, Nurse." he replied smoothly. "I wish to talk with one of your doctors."

"Oh? And which Doctor are you referring to, Professor?"

"Dr. McCoy. Could you check if he is in?" Spock looked at the nurse. Most would have found her attractive. Light blond, shoulder long hair, and light blue eyes. Her face was esthetically pleasing. But when he looked into her eyes, all he could think about where the blue eyes of his T'hy'la, that were so much more beautiful.

"Of course Professor, just a second please." She hurried off, vanishing behind a big, white door. Spock clasped his hands at the small of his back, waiting patiently. Only minutes later, Dr McCoy strolled through the door, his white pants and shirt sporting a few red dots that Spock quickly identified as blood.

"Oh, Professor Spock, was it?" The doctor said, frown on his face. "How can I help you? Nurse Chapel informed me you were looking for me."

"I would like to consult you in a personal matter, Doctor." Spock replied. His dislike for the Doctor only grew at the expression on his face. "Now, if possible."

"Now listen, I know you and Jim got into a fight, but I'm not your damn counselor. If you two have a problem, you gotta work it out on your own. I'm at work." Bones said.

"I would prefer to have this conversation in private, Dr. McCoy." Spock's voice was firm, and the Doctor gave a defeated sigh.

"Come along then, I can spare five minutes." He turned and started walking, and Spock followed his lead.

The halls were filled with busy nurses and doctors, and Spock was more then happy when Dr. McCoy finally opened a door, inviting him inside. He watched the Doctor circle a glass desk, sitting down behind it, pointing to a chair opposite of him.

"I would prefer to stand, Doctor. Thank you."

"Whatever suits you. Now, why did you come to talk to me instead of Jim?" he asked.

"Jim does not want to speak to me. I cannot find a logical reason for him to be so upset." Spock admitted, hi hands still clasped behind his back firmly.

"Because its not logical, Spock. You hurt his feelings." Bones answered, huffing slightly. "You know, you pointy eared hobgoblins might be smart in general, but you have no idea when it comes to feelings."

"I was simply trying to make him go to his classes, Doctor. I do not understand why he is upset by that." Spock answered, walking over to the window front, watching the humans and other cadets walking around.

"Yeah well it sounded like you didn't care about how shitty he felt when he saw you again for the first time." McCoy huffed. "Look, Jim is hurt, and he's angry, and he's acting like a child. And he probably knows it, too. You'll just have to wait until he cools off and comes to you."

"Are you sure that is the only possible way of action, Doctor?"

"I am positive. Let him be. He'll come back. Sometimes we funny humans just need some space." He stood, motioning to the door. "I have to get back to work, Professor."

"Thank you for your time, Dr. McCoy." Spock turned and left the room. Humans were so illogical. But he would have to accept the advice he had received. Dr. McCoy was a human, and the chances that he had a better insight into emotional trouble were so close to 100 percent that Spock did not bother to come up with the exact number.

He would return to his rooms, and go on with his life until Jim decided to come back to him.

* * *

"Spock came to see me." was the first thing Bones said as he walked into his dorm room, finding Jim on his bed, flipping through a book he had purchased yesterday.

"Did he now." Jim said, trying to make his voice sound normal, disinterested.

"Kid, don't give me that. I know you're burning to know." Bones quickly took off his blood and sweat stained clothes, throwing them at the hamper, once more missing, and simply adding to the pile of dirty clothes next to it.

Jim grinned. "Fine. What'd he want? Was he worried?"

"Come on, Jim. He's a Vulcan. Best you get out of them is a confused look. Unless they're in Pon farr. Then, chances are that you get a broken skull." Bones scoffed. "He wanted to know why you're upset. Why you aren't talking to him. I told him to leave you alone until you decided to stop pouting and came back to him."

"I am not pouting!" Jim protested. "He was being a jerk!"

"He was just being a Vulcan, and we both know it, Jim. He didn't mean anything by it. Actually. I think he just wants you to do well. Can't really blame him for that." Bones roamed through his closet, trying to find a clean pair of pants. "We need to wash our stuff soon."

"I can blame him all I want. Since when are you on his side?" Jim asked, sitting up as he watched Bones roam around.

"Since he makes you happy, you imbecile. God. I feel like I'm talking to a teenager." Bones turned, huffing. "Come on Jim. We both know you are the one acting like a jerk. Don't you just want to go over and make up with him?"

Jim stared and stayed silence for a few minutes.

"Fine. I'll do it tomorrow. I hate when you make so much sense Bones. You sure you ain't part Vulcan?"

His answer was a pillow being thrown at him.

* * *

So. There you go. Chapter 8. This one caused me a headache, because I started writing it right after I came home after work.

I hope you enjoyed.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	9. Storm

Tada, Chapter 9.

Enjoy.

* * *

Friday. The only fucking day he didn't have Spock's class. Great. Just Great.

Jim stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked tired. Just tired. Maybe all of this was too much for him after all. Maybe he just didn't know Spock well enough. He sighed. He wasn't going to give up. He was going to go to Spock and apologize, and hopefully they could talk things through.

Maybe if he told Spock how he felt, how insecure he was, and how hurt. Maybe then Spock would understand why he had been so upset. Jim sighed before deciding that he could not push going to class off any longer, wandering out of the bathroom.

Bones had already left, some kind of emergency in the clinic. He heard him cursing and falling out of his bed as he had showered, and couldn't help but grin. He would have loved to see Bones struggle into his pants while quickly brushing his teeth, jumping around on one leg to get the other into his pants as well.

The door had banged shut long before Jim came out of the bathroom to get dressed as well.

Class went by slow, so slow Jim thought it might never end. His brain was too full to actually take in any new information. Maybe he should have gone to Spock before classes. But then he might have bothered him during meditation. Not a wise thing to do.

So Jim sat through all his classes, trying to comprehend what the teachers where trying to tell him, trying to teach him, and while he jotted everything down to look it up later, right now he didn't understand a single word they were saying.

Finally, in the late afternoon, Jim had gone to all his courses. He thought about going right to Spock's private rooms, but the last time he had gone, the Vulcan had asked him to come once the sun had set. Jim decided that was the better decision.

Cadets were roaming the campus at this time, and if he just showed up at Spock's door and went in when everyone could see, there would be rumors. Everyone knew how private Vulcan's were. Letting a cadet into his quarters would be more then odd, and Jim didn't need the whole campus flapping their lips over this.

He could sit in the library and review his notes until it closed,go back to his room, take a shower, and wait for the sun to set. There was no rush after all.

If it was up to him, he and Spock would have the rest of their lives.

* * *

Jim felt energized after his shower. Eager even. He wanted to apologize. To make things right. He wanted to talk. The sun was already setting. Just a little longer. Just a few more minutes, and he could be on his way.

He gave another look at the mirror. His hair was still wet, so Jim decided to blow dry. For some reason, he felt that he had to look as good as he possibly could, almost as if he was going out for a date.

On one side, it was weird that he wanted to look good for Spock. He knew it wouldn't make much of a difference to the Vulcan. And yet he wanted to Spock to think he was good looking. He knew he couldn't rival Spock's alien beauty, but he at least wanted to look okay next to his T'hy'la. So that the Vulcan could be proud of his decent looking mate.

When his hair was dry, Jim glanced at the mirror once more. His hair was tousled as always, making him look somewhat boyish. He cursed himself for not having any kind of hair product to make it stay that way, before coming back to his senses. He was acting like a girl.

What was he going to think of next, concealer to cover up the dark shadows under his eyes? Jim shook his head at himself. He was really acting like a teenage girl.

Finally, the sun was set. Jim had slipped into his favorite black shirt that made his eyes shine, and a tight pair of black jeans. Yeah, he wanted to look good, so what? He had finally decided before pulling on his sneakers. Least he would feel good about himself.

A quiet knock on the door pulled Spock's attention away from the female cadet in his room. He wondered who would come to him at such an hour. Not that he had invited Cadet Uhura here, but two on one day was simply _odd._

"Excuse me, Cadet." he said quietly, leaving her behind to sit on the couch as he walked over to the door.

"Of course, Professor." came the quiet reply.

The Vulcan opened the door. James Tiberius Kirk was standing there, giving him that crooked smile he always sported when he knew he had messed up, blue eyes pulling the Vulcan in. And just in that moment he realized just how much he had missed his T'hy'la.

"Hey Spock. Can I come in?" he asked.

"Cadet Kirk, this is not a good time." Spock replied.

"Oh come on, don't be like that T'hy'la. I'm sorry, I really am. I fucked up. Please, I just want to talk to you and say I'm sorry." Jim said, the smile never falling from his face. He thought he was playing hard to get, as humans called it.

"Professor?" Cadet Uhura's voice called from his living room. He could hear her steps, heard her walking closer. His body tensed.

"The fuck...?" Jim asked quietly, his gaze wandering over Spock's shoulder to find a female standing behind his T'hy'la. She was wearing the standard Star Fleet uniform for female cadets. A short red dress. Jim had always wondered if the people that made this uniforms knew just how distracting a beautiful pair of legs could be, but that was the last thing on his mind.

"Professor, do you need me to leave?" the girl asked, tilting her head to the side, her long dark hair running over her shoulder almost as if it was liquid. She was beautiful. A dark complexion, big, beautifully formed eyes, fine facial features. The dress hugged her slim body in all the right places. And if Jim had met her anywhere else, he might even have hit on her. But now he just stared in disbelief.

It took him a second to come back to his senses. "I'm sorry Professor. I was not aware you were having a visitor. I will leave you to it."

And before Spock could even utter a word, Jim had turned and started walking off. He wanted to call after him, make him stay, hold his hand. But Cadet Uhura was still right behind him. Such actions would have spoken a very clear language. Apparently, the encounter had been more obvious than Spock had thought.

"Your boyfriend?" she asked quietly as he turned to her.

"No. Cadet Kirk and I are not in a romantic relationship, Cadet Uhura." he answered quietly.

"Yet." She replied.

"Cadet, I do not see how this is any of your concern." Spock looked down into her face, his arms clasped behind his back. "Cadet Kirk and I are only friends."

"And that's why he looked like he was going to cry when he saw me. You two might not be dating, but there is more to it then you admit, Professor."

"Vulcan's cannot lie, Cadet." Spock arched a brow at the female. Surely Uhura knew that. She was not only smart, but highly intelligent. Such a statement did not seem to make sense.

"With holding information is not the same as lying Professor." she smiled, shaking her head. "I will let you two sort it out. Maybe once you explained to him why I am here, he won't be so upset anymore."

Spock simply stared at her. Was Jim upset again? "I fear I do not understand."

Uhura looked at him with a soft smile. "Ah Spock. You are just like any other man, aren't you? A lot smarter, yes, and a lot stronger but.. in the end, still a man. How would you feel if you came to the private rooms of the person you love, after dark, and you find him with someone else?"

"I do not feel, Cadet." he said. "Emotions are no something I embrace."

"And yet you are in love." She sighed, making her way to the door, walking by him. "You should go find him, you know. I bet he's going to get into some kind of trouble. Heart broken people always do."

Spock watched the cadet walk away. Heart broken? Was Jim heart broken because he had counseled a devastated cadet? But Jim didn't know why she had come to him. Why she had sought him out such a strange hour. The only information his T'hy'la had was that he had come to apologize to Spock, and found a human female in his rooms.

And then, Spock came to a very illogical conclusion. Jim could be under the impression that Spock had intended on intimate contact with this woman. It would fit the comments Cadet Uhura had made. And that indeed, could lead Jim to believe that Spock had moved on.

The Vulcan wasted no time, quickly leaving his apartment, going after the faint scent his T'hy'la had left behind.

* * *

Jim waited until he was sure he was out of the Vulcan's sight before he started running. Running as fast as he could. He did not know where his legs where carrying him, but he couldn't give a damn. Unless he was running in circles, they were bringing him farther from Spock. And that was all the wanted.

His head was spinning, his heart pounding, his thoughts screaming in his head. So many thoughts, too many thoughts were trying to force their way into his mind, almost instantly making Jim feel like it was overloading and about to explode.

He ran off campus, further and further away from the one person that he felt could destroy everything he was with just a few words. Jim felt as if someone had taken a big knife and just slipped it through his flesh, between his ribs and right into his heart.

Feelings were welling up, feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, despair. He knew Spock hadn't cheated on him. It wasn't logical. But he had let someone else into his private rooms. He had let a woman into the space that should have been only his and Spock's. And even if he hadn't cheated, who said that that girl didn't have the hots for him?

He couldn't compare to her. She was beautiful. And if Spock had let her in, she didn't only have to be smart, but smart enough for Spock to actually find her interesting. Maybe not romantically at this point, but interesting none the less.

Finally,when his legs where shaking, and he felt that he was about to pass out, Jim stopped. He bent over, placing his hands right above his knee's trying to catch his breath once more. The oxygen burnt his lungs, the saliva in his mouth felt alien, tasting like blood for no good reason.

Jim looked up. He was definitely of campus. He was somewhere in the city. A part he had never been in. The streets where dark, and empty. Only a few dark figures moved along the shadows, carefully avoiding the neon lights on the walls.

Jim wasn't scared. He was never scared. But he was unsettled. Where had he run to? How was he going to get back? He didn't have any money with him for a cab. He had left his phone at his apartment, thinking he'd hardly need it. He was stuck. All he could do is walk into the direction he had come from, and hope he'd somehow make it back. He didn't have class tomorrow. He could take as long as he needed too.

A sudden bolt of lightning lit up the dark sky, soon followed by thunder, and of course, rain. Jim cursed. Just like a fucking novel, he thought. My life is a romantic novel. Where it rains when I'm sad, and the sun shines when I'm happy.

And there he was, walking through the god damn rain, his clothes growing wet and clinging to his body in the most uncomfortable way. He could feel it run down his neck, under his clothes, making him shiver. This was just fucking great. He was lost, cold, and utterly alone. God knew when he would get back to campus. His lungs still burned from the running, and he was forced to walk slowly. This just had to be one of the worst days in his life.

* * *

Bones cursed. Loudly. And he didn't give a shit that the Vulcan in his room was watching him with a rather unamused expression. It was too late, he was tired, and here he was once more being thrown out of bed because they couldn't act like responsible grown ups. He had a fucking right to curse.

"So he just ran off and you can't find him anywhere?" he asked, pulling on a pair of pants.

"That is correct. I have searched the entire campus, but I lost his scent at the exit." Spock said quietly, noticing the pouring rain. If Jim had not come back, he was not wearing clothes that were appropriate for such weather.

"What are you, some kind of hound?" Bones didn't look at Spock as he slipped into his jacket, quickly pulling on his shoes.

"Vulcan's have heightened scenes, Doctor. If there was no wind and rain, I would have been able to trace his path until I found him. However, in these conditions, it is impossible. And as you do not know where he could have gone either, there is nothing else for us to do then look." Spock stated matter-of-factly.

"Yeah yeah, I get the jist. Come on, lets go." Bones grumbled, grabbing a flash light. "Better find him before that stubborn ass gets pneumonia."

"I agree, Doctor." Spock followed the Doctor, and for once wished he had a car. The wind made the little drops of water on his skin cool down even more, making it feel like little pieces of ice were being glued to his skin. He was cold, too cold, and he knew it was not logical to put himself into a position like this. If they did not find Jim soon, he would be the one in need of medical attention. But that was not important. He had to find his T'hy'la. Make sure he was safe and sound.

* * *

The doctor and the Vulcan made their way off campus, heading towards the city.

"This is like looking for a needle in a goddamn haystack." McCoy muttered as they walked the wet and empty streets.

"The chance to find a single individual in a city this size, at this time, and with only two individuals seeking is small. Approximately 4.53 percent." Spock said quietly.

"And why are you here looking for him? Not very logical, is it?" Bones said, turning his head to the side to look at the Vulcan walking next to him. He had to be freezing in this weather. He himself was cold.

"Because I must ensure his safety and well being." was the only answer he got before the alien male fell quiet.

"Well. No sense in bitching. Lets keep going."

Jim had made it back to the bench he and Bones had sat on only nights before. But he couldn't take another step. His hands and legs felt like they were frozen. He was tired. His head and ears hurt from the icy wind. He couldn't keep going.

The storm was still there, and Jim didn't think it would stop anytime soon. He needed a break. He had definitely over strained himself. He leaned against the back of the bench, closing his eyes. He was so tired. He knew he shouldn't fall asleep. He knew it was stupid. But he was so tired. Maybe if he just closed his eyes for a little, if he just relaxed and let his body calm, he could make it back. Just maybe, he'd be okay.

"God damn Spock, we've been looking for hours! The suns already coming up!" Bones spat. "What if he's already home? Maybe he didn't get lost at all and is already hauled up in his bed."

"Do you not think he would try to contact you if he returned and you were not in your bed, Doctor?"

"I could be at the clinic." Bones muttered.

"Something Jim would have thought of, and also checked." Spock replied. "Doctor McCoy, believe me, I would prefer to be in my own rooms at this point, but I cannot go back until I have made sure Jim Kirk is safe. And if that means I have to walk every street of this city, then that is what I will do."

"Fine. Come on. I think I've been here with him. We went to a bar around here..." the doctor said, walking down the street that looked so very familiar. It only took him a few minutes to recognize the man sitting on the bench, soundly asleep, but shaking.

He hadn't even said a word before Spock had already rushed over to Jim, picking him up so carefully it was almost embarrassing to watch. But Jim didn't wake. He was fast asleep in the Vulcan's arms.

"His body temperature is too low." Spock almost whispered as Bones came closer. "He should be brought to the clinic for monitoring."

"Yeah, come on. He almost made it back on his own, its just a few more steps. Can you make that?" Spock quirked his brow at that question.

"Why should I not be able, Doctor?"

"Because you're freezing yourself. Don't act all though. You're probably pumped with adrenalin and aren't noticing it, but your body is already showing signs of hypothermia. The second you sit down, you'll notice."

They walked in silence, Jim shifting in Spock's arm, hiding his face against the Vulcan's chest, as if he knew exactly who was carrying him.

* * *

Once they reached the clinic, Bones had a nurse prepare a room for Jim, undressed the sleeping man, replacing his wet clothes with dry clinic issued clothes for patients. Spock watched quietly as Jim was tucked away into a bed with blankets covering his slim form. He was pale, so pale. But the doctor had assured him that all the human needed was warmth, some sleep, and a good meal once he woke.

Jim was safe. Spock could feel whatever had kept him going for so long leak from his body. He was suddenly shaking with cold. His head was spinning. It was hard to breath. He leaned against the wall.

"Yeah. Here it comes." Bones muttered, calling a nurse. "Okay Spock, you hang on there. I'll fix you up."

Spock shook his head. He couldn't speak. His tongue wouldn't move. He tried to take a step forward, but stumbled. He couldn't use his muscles in the way he wanted to, and for some odd reason he could not remember how he had gotten to kneel on the floor.

He could hear distant shouting, but it didn't matter. He was tired. His heart beat was too slow. He could tell. But it didn't matter. Suddenly, he felt hot. So hot. He wanted to get rid of his clothes. Clumsily, he tried to pull off his shirt, but someone was pulling and tugging on his hands, trying to pull them away.

Spock had no energy to fight him, but he was so hot. Why didn't they understand? He was burning, and he needed to get undressed. Someone was forcing him to stand up, but his legs wouldn't carry him. Another person grabbed him, pulling and pushing at his body.

Spock was suddenly laying down. He could see blurs moving around him, distant voices. He didn't comprehend the meanings of the words they were speaking. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? His body was, burning, burning.

He shut his eyes. And only moments later, passed out.

* * *

When Jim woke up, he felt famished. Hungry enough to eat an entire horse. It wasn't until he heard the subtle beeping next to him that he realized he wasn't outside anymore. Focusing his eyes, he looked around.

White walls and ceilings. He was laying in a bed with white covers, a monitor above the bed making quiet, steady sounds. They were monitoring his heart rate. He had to be in the clinic. What had happened? How had he gotten here? The last thing he remembered was sitting on that bench in the freezing cold. So how was he now tucked away in a nice and warm bed?

Fishing for the little control next to his bed, he pressed the only button on it, calling for a nurse. His call was answered minutes later.

"Ah, Mr. Kirk you are awake." Nurse Chapel smiled. "How are you feeling? The doctor is already on his way. It's his day off, but I paged him. He insisted he examine you once you wake."

"Well. I'm starving and I probably need a shower, but aside of that I'm fine. Do you know by any chance how I got here?" Jim asked, slowly sitting up.

"No, Mr. Kirk, I was not here when you were brought in. But Dr. McCoy will be here in a little, and he can explain what happened. He will also discuss your medical condition with you. I will send someone to bring you something to eat."

"Thanks, Nurse." Jim watched her walk out the room, and laid back. He hoped the food would get here soon. His stomach felt like it was trying to eat itself.

When Bones walked into the room, Jim was sipping on some soup. Bones sighed. Of course. Of course the only thing Jim would ask for was _food._

"How are you feeling?" He asked, walking over to sit down on a chair next to Jim's bed.

"I feel fine, Bones. A little tired, but aside of that." Jim grinned. "Hungry, obviously."

"Yeah I can see that." Bones went to study Jim's chart. "Well. You're fine. I'll keep you here for another hour or so, just to make sure, and then you can go."

"How'd I get here, Bones?" Jim asked, taking another sip from the deliciously warm soup. "Did you come looking for me?"

"Yeah. We did." Bones sighed.

"Wait. What do you mean we?" Jim asked, tilting his head. "Who'd you convince to leave their room with that weather to look for me?"

"I didn't convince anyone. Spock convinced me." Bones huffed, rubbing his face. "He came to our room, said he had looked for you everywhere, but couldn't find you on campus. You hadn't come back to the dorm either, so we went looking for you in the city. Had us on our feet for hours, kids."

"...You mean.. he went and looked for me? All night?" Jim asked, setting down the soup as he stared at Bones.

"Yeah. That pointy ear bastard insisted we search every corner of that goddamn city. And when we finally found you, and brought you back, that stubborn idiot just.. passed out on me."

"What?!" Jim almost jumped out of his bed. "What do you mean he passed out? Whats wrong with him? Is he okay?!"

"Sit down, Jim, he's fine now. But you know I can't tell you any more. You may be his T'hy'la, but that's not considered as a legal marriage here on earth. I can't release medical information to you." Bones stood, running fingers through his hair.

"Fuck Bones, are you serious?! You know he wouldn't mind! He'd _want_ me to know whats going on!" Jim felt his headache return. "Where is he?!"

"He's in the room next to you Jim. I think he's in a healing trance, or something like that. You can't wake him up now. He needs to recover."

"Recover from WHAT?! What was wrong with him?! Bones I swear to God-"

"Jim, shut up. I can't tell you what he had. But think of this. A _Vulcan_ running around in a storm, without proper clothing, and you and I were already freezing our fucking asses off. You're a smart guy figure it out." Bones turned to the door. "The nurse will bring you your clothes. You can go home. I'll call you the second he wakes up. Don't do this again Jim. He wasn't the only one worried out of his mind."

Jim watched his best friend exit the room, and had honest to god never felt so awful about himself.

* * *

Bright. Too bright. Spock had to close his inner eyelid against the brutal assault of whatever horrid lamp was shining right into his face.

A voice called "Doctor! Doctor he is awake!" It was too loud, too shrill. Spock tried to orient himself. The female had been calling for a doctor commenting that someone had just awoken. The logical assumption was that she had been referring to him, and the only logical conclusion was that he was in a hospital. Most probably the campus clinic.

Only second later, Dr. McCoy entered the room. "Well, rise and shine." he said, quickly studying the Vulcan's chart. "How are you feeling?"

"I am adequate, Doctor." Spock answered, his voice a little rough. "Why have I been hospitalized?"

"Severe hypothermia. You were at the point that you thought you were too hot and started ripping your clothes off. I had to knock you out with a hypo to get you to stay in bed. Your heart rate, blood pressure along with your respiratory rate. But after a few hours, after we finally had you warmed up, you went into some kind of healing trance. Is that normal for Vulcan's? I've never seen anyone heal themselves so quickly. I'm not gonna lie to you, if someone had wanted to bet me if you were going to wake up, I wouldn't have done it."

"Jim?" Spock asked.

"He's fine. He's already home. I didn't want him to wake you, so I didn't let him come in. You needed the rest. I already called him. He's on his way."

"Thank You Doctor."

Bones nodded in return. "The nurse will bring you something to eat. I'll give you some time to wake up. Jim will probably burst in here-.."

The door flew open.

"...Now." Bones shook his head, forcing his way out of the room as Jim stood there, motionless, simply staring at the Vulcan.

When Jim got the call that Spock was awake,he ran. Ran as quickly as his legs would carry him. His T'hy'la was awake, and alone. He needed him. He needed Jim to be there. He could feel it.

He ran against another cadet, almost falling, pushing the other to the ground, but he kept running. He could hear an angry voice calling after him, but he sincerely didn't give a fuck. He kept running. Finally, he was in Spock's room. The Vulcan looked pale, weak, as he laid in that bed, the monitor beeping away. Bones shoved him to the side. Jim didn't move another inch. He simply stared at the man laying in front of him.

"Jim." Spock said quietly, extending his hand to him. The roughness in his voice, the gentle trembling in his friends arm made his heart break. He hurried to Spock's side, gently reaching for his wrist. But Spock pulled back ever so slightly, capturing Jim's hand in his own.

"I'm sorry, Spock." Jim whispered, trying to hold back the tears, trying to keep his voice even, trying so hard to be strong. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid, If I hadn't run... if I had just let you explain for once.. I am so sorry. So sorry Spock. I can't believe that you did this for me. You should have gone home, you shouldn't have..." a sob broke lose from the humans throat. "G-God Spock.. I'm s-so sorry.. so sorry I-"

"T'hy'la." Spock gently interrupted his babbling soul mate. "T'hy'la. Do not apologize. I am sorry. I am sorry my actions made you doubt my feelings for you. I'm sorry I made you doubt your worth to me."

"How can you..." Jim croaked. "Spock, this isn't your fault I.. I was just being an idiot! I wanted to come to say I'm sorry but when I saw her I just freaked out. I should have known there was a good reason, you never do anything without one. You'd... You'd never intentionally hurt me.."

"No, T'hy'la, I would not. And yet my actions have hurt you, and even though I cannot understand exactly why, I do know that I would rather sacrifice myself then hurt you like that once more." Spock gently pulled Jim to sit on the bed, holding his hand tightly, intertwining their fingers. "Please forgive me, T'hy'la, for causing you pain."

"Stop apologizing." Jim whimpered, his grip on the Vulcan's hand growing harder. "You're the one that had to run around all night, and then just passed out. I don't even know what's wrong with you, Bones wouldn't tell me I just.. Oh god Spock I was so _afraid._"

"You must not be afraid, Jim. I am no longer in danger. I underestimated the cold, and did not pay close enough attention to my body. It was a simple case of hypothermia. I am well. " Spock couldn't stand to see Jim like this. Sad, hurt, upset, crying. It was unbearable for the Vulcan to see his T'hy'la in such a state.

"Don't give me that you knew full well it was too cold.." Jim whispered. "Why did you come look for me? Why did you put yourself in danger? Why didn't you just... wait for me to come back?"

"Because I needed to make sure that you were safe, Jim. When you ran from me, I was finally able to comprehend how upset you really were. I needed to find you. And I needed to explain. And if you allow me to, I will explain now, why Cadet Uhura was in my rooms."

"I don't care. I don't care why she was there Spock. I shouldn't have overreacted like that. You'd never cheat on me. I was just.. jealous, upset that you let someone else in your rooms. But I shouldn't have been. It wasn't fair." Jim looked at his T'hy'la, his poor, sick T'hy'la. "Just.. don't ever scare me like that again, Spock. I thought I would lose you."

"You will not lose me, Jim. I will never leave your side." Spock whispered, pulling Jim closer, forcing him to lay down next to him. "I promise. I promise that you will never have to be so afraid again in your life, Jim. I will look after myself better, so that you do not have to fear for my well being. Do not cry, T'hy'la."

"I just. I can't stop." Jim laughed as the first tears spilled over his cheeks. "I can't help it. I'm sorry."

Spock shook his head, pulling Jim closer, gently caressing his face ever so slightly with his fingertips. "Do not apologize. I understand your pain. When I found you, my emotions were running quite high. I struggled for control as well."

"I'm just.. I'm glad you're okay." Jim whispered, looking down at Spock, stubbornly wiping away the tears. "I'm so happy you're okay."

"You are with me, T'hy'la. My condition could not be more satisfactory."

* * *

Spock was released from the hospital Monday morning. Doctor McCoy had insisted that he stayed for as long as he thought was necessary. Spock did not argue. Jim had spent as much time with him as he could, leaving only to sleep and shower, and attend classes on Monday.

When Spock exited the clinic, Jim was waiting for him. "Ready to go home?" He asked with a small smile.

"Yes." Spock answered, walking next to Jim as they made their way to Spock's private rooms. Jim knew he couldn't come inside now. He left Spock at his door, waving. He would return tonight, to make sure his T'hy'la was resting as the doctor had told him to.

* * *

Sunset didn't come quickly enough, but Jim forced himself to stay put until the last ray of sun had disappeared behind the horizon, before walking to Spock's apartment. He knocked on the door, and was quickly pulled in by a very strong arm.

Jim blinked lightly as he found himself embraced by Spock's arms, sighing happily as he leaned his forehead against the warm chest.

"I missed you." Jim whispered quietly.

"Your absence was sorely noticed." Spock answered. Jim looked up at him, drowning in those beautiful dark eyes that were once more filled with warmth. He always loved Spock's eyes, but he loved them most when he could see what Spock was feeling in them.

Jim couldn't take it anymore. He leaned up, trying to brush his lips against Spock's, but the Vulcan gently placed his index and middle finger on Jim's lip.

"Not now, T'hy'la. My control is weak." He muttered, so unSpock like.

"I'm sorry." Jim mumbled, going back to resting his head against Spock's chest. This was enough. It had to be enough. Jim was willing to take everything Spock was willing to give, and if an embrace was all he could offer, then that was fine with Jim.

They just stood there for a while, holding each other, drinking in the scent of the person that was so important to them that they would both sacrifice their life to keep the other safe.

Finally, Spock pulled back, grasping Jim's hand, pulling him to sit on the couch with him.

"I cannot give you a human kiss, Jim." he said quietly. "But I can give you a Vulcan kiss." He looked at him, slowly holding up his index and middle finger. When Jim mimicked this gesture, Spock let his fingertips graze over the slender fingers of his T'hy'la, before pressing their fingertips together.

"This is a Vulcan kiss?" Jim asked quietly as the Vulcan pulled away his hand.

"Yes, T'hy'la. This is how we kiss on my planet."

"So you kissed me before. When we were kids." Jim tilted his head to the side, a confused look arising on his face.

"I did." Spock said, his voice as even as always, but Jim swore he could see a spark of amusement in Spock's eyes at the revelation he had just had.

"But why?" Jim asked, his brows furrowed.

"Jim, sometimes even Vulcan's do not need a reason."

* * *

...Done! Mother of fuck this chapter took me all day. Simply because I just had so many ideas, and I tried to put them all in the story, but finally just had to give up. There was no way of fitting everything into just this one chapter.

Also, I have been asked about Jim and Spock's age when they last saw each other, and how Spock, being only a few months older then Jim, was a professor, and also when he had completed Star Fleet training.

Jim was 12 when Spock left, Spock was 13, as they celebrated his 13th birthday together.

So yes, Jim and Spock are around the same age.

In this story, however, Spock didn't join Star Fleet to get on board a ship and fly through the Universe, but simply to teach. Therefor, he didn't need any training. He was competent enough to be a Professor at a young age. He started teaching at 19, and honestly, if Chekov can be 17 and already on a bridge, I see no reason why Spock can't be a Professor at 20.

There's your explanation.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please leave a review or some kind of feed back, and I'll be back with a new chapter tomorrow.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma.


	10. Slow and Steady

So, here comes Chapter 10. Now, it has been brought to my attention that I have some spelling issues. I am fully aware of that, and I do try to keep my spelling errors as few as possible, but without a beta reader, it's just not possible for me to actually throw out all mistakes.

Each chapter takes me up to 5 hours. Most days, I come home from work and start typing right away.

If anyone would like to Beta for me, I'd be more than happy to accept that help.

Now, another thing that has been bothering me, and honestly makes me want to just say "Fuck it" and stop writing is a constant complaint that I receive in a private message that my story is all together too emotional.

To that, I can only say one thing: Don't like it? Don't fucking read it. You must have better things to do in your life than read a story you do not like.

That being said, Chapter 10: Enjoy.

* * *

_6 months later_

Jim sat on the floor in Spock's room, flipping through the pages of his text book. Spock was sitting on the couch, grading an exam from another class. They sat in silence, simply enjoying each other's company.

Jim's gaze traveled from the words on the page up to the Vulcan. Spock was sitting, ever unmoving, as his eyes read through the exam he had in his hands. If it hadn't been for the movements of his eyes, and his chest rising and falling from breathing, he could have been a beautiful statue.

"Jim, you are getting distracted." Spock stated. "You came here to study in a quiet environment. I would advise you to keep studying."

Jim grinned. "It's not my fault you're so damn distracting, T'hy'la." Kirk moved to sit next to the Vulcan, gently running his fingertips over the back of Spock's hand.

The Vulcan turned to face the human, giving him a disapproving look.

"Oh come on, Spock, don't give me that look. I just want to spend some time with you." Jim smiled, carefully taking his T'hy'la's hand into his. He loved how Spock's skin was so much hotter than his own, how it almost burned him. Almost.

"Jim, we spend time together every day." Spock's slender eyebrow arched in that cute little way Jim loved so much. "I do not see why you feel that the amount of time we spend together is not sufficient."

"Because, Spock. We do spend tons of time together but you know... When we do you're mostly doing some kind of work related thing or something like that, and I'm studying. Spending time together doesn't just mean to be in the same room you know?" Jim's fingertips trailed over Spock's palm, watching as Spock's breath hitched.

"T'hy'la." Spock sighed, pulling his hand back, placing it on his thigh firmly.

"Oh come on Spock. 6 months. It's been six months since you even kissed me." Jim frowned, tilting his head to the side. "Don't you want to kiss me?"

"Jim, this is not the time to discuss this issue. You must prepare for your exam tomorrow. I strongly advise you to go back to your studying." Spock simply said, turning back to him on task.

All he could do was admit his defeat and sit back down on the floor, lazily flipping through more pages of his book until he finally found the one he had been looking for before he had gotten distracted.

* * *

Many things had changed after that first, real kiss. Jim spent every evening with Spock. Most of the time, they were both going through some kind of papers, but every once in a while, they would actually talk.

Jim had never been so content in his life. Simply sitting next to Spock, feeling his heat, hearing him breath was so soothing that Jim felt instantly at home. And it didn't take very long for him to realize that yes; this was where he was supposed to be. Next to this man. This was where he belonged.

At first, Spock had not felt comfortable with the idea of going outside with Jim, to the city, or anywhere else. Jim had to whine, beg, and bitch about it until Spock finally gave in.

Jim knew that if he just asked often enough, and looked at him with those big, blue, puppy eyes, Spock would eventually break, and agree.

Their first day off campus together was a warm, windy Saturday. Jim couldn't stop grinning. Finally, he could spend a whole day with Spock, outside of his private rooms. Jim had kept his distance from Spock, hadn't touched him, just like the Vulcan had requested. Jim had understood why the Vulcan had made that request. If anyone found out that they were closer then Professor and Cadet should be, shit would hit the fan.

And still, Jim enjoyed himself. He had found a nice, vegetarian restaurant where they ate, both paying their own bill, because Spock insisted on it. Jim would have happily paid for both meals.

Jim had recently learned that he and Spock shared an interest... They both enjoyed antiques. So, on that first day, he and Spock visited every Antique Shop the city had. Jim's feet already hurt, but he honestly couldn't give a fuck. The way Spock handled those old treasures, how carefully he touched them and that soft glimmer in his eyes when he found something he liked. It made Jim smile. He was happy he had finally gotten Spock to leave campus. Because he was sure he wasn't the only one enjoying it now.

It became a routine. Every Saturday, Jim would pick the Vulcan up, and they would make their way to the city, to eat, talk, check the stores they frequented for some new things, and then finally sat down somewhere, Jim sipping on some coffee, Spock taking sips from a water bottle.

It had been the best summer of his life so far.

* * *

When Winter came, Jim decided that going to the city was going to have to wait until it was warmer again. The shock of seeing Spock in a hospital bed still ran deep, and he had promised himself to look after his T'hy'la better.

So, one day after class, he had purchased a Vulcan chess board that he had ordered, and also a few human card games. They could always sit and read in Spock's warm room, but every once in a while, they would sit down to a game of chess or cards, and though Jim had trouble beating Spock in those games, he did manage to win a game of chess once in a while.

When Jim had caught a bad cold, Spock turned into a mother hen. He came by Jim's room every day after his classes, bringing him food and medication, insisting that he help Jim wash himself. Though by helping, Spock hadn't meant actually helping him scrub down, but standing in the bathroom, facing away from Jim's naked body, ready to catch him if he fell.

He changed Jim's sheets everyday out of 'hygienic reasons'. Jim was pretty sure that Spock just couldn't stand the smell of sweat, and with the fever Jim was sporting, sweat seemed to always be dripping down his body.

After a especially hard night, when he had to wake Bones to give him a hypo for the fever raging through his body, and looking like a zombie when Spock came, the Vulcan decided to spend the night meditating next to his sick T'hy'la. Bones had tolerated it for two nights.

When Spock settled down for the third night, closing his eyes to meditate, the doctor had had enough.

He kindly informed the Vulcan that he was a Doctor, perfectly capable of looking after a man with a cold, and that there was no need for Spock to sit at Jim's bedside as if the human was about to take his last breaths. Spock had informed him in return that, while Bones was a doctor, he needed to sleep, and if something did happen, and Jim couldn't wake him, his medical expertise would be utterly useless.

Jim could only hold off Bones and his hypo, that the Doctor intended to knock the Vulcan out with and then personally drag him back to his own room by convincing Spock that he was already well enough to look after himself. His T'hy'la didn't like leaving him behind, but he did not argue.

Jim had a hard time falling asleep that night, missing the soft sound of Spock breathing. The only sound that filled the room now was Bones snoring.

* * *

Jim's birthday was never really important to the human, and since Vulcan's didn't celebrate their birthdays, Jim didn't expect anything from Spock. Not a gift, or a party, nothing really. He had prepared himself for a nice and quiet evening in Spock's rooms. But when he entered, a strange smell filled his nose.

Jim stepped in to find that Spock had set up a small table, with candles that where already lit, various little plates on it with food Jim had never seen before. He gave Spock a questioning look.

"You have always wished to know more about my planet, about my culture." Spock had said, motioning towards the table. "These are meals that are frequently served on Vulcan."

"Spock, I can't eat all of that." Jim grinned, his heart racing with excitement.

"I am fully aware of your stomach's capacity, Jim. However I was not sure which dish you would prefer, so I have prepared the ones I enjoy most in small portions, so that you may taste every one, and eat however much you please of whatever you please."

Jim couldn't stand it anymore. He gave in to his urges, walking over to Spock, pulling him into an embrace that was awkwardly returned.

"Happy Birthday, T'hy'la." Spock said, slowly pulling back from Jim, ushering him towards the plates. It was a firework of senses. The taste, the smell, everything was alien and familiar at the same time. Jim tasted everything, and finally decided for his favorite Vulcan meal. Spock had watched him with an amused glint in his eyes.

"Thanks Spock." Jim finally said as he was done eating. "This was definitely the best Birthday ever."

"It is not finished yet, Jim." Spock walked into his bedroom, returning with a square package, wrapped in simple blue wrapping paper. Jim's grin grew wider.

"You didn't have to do all this, you know. I mean I love it. And I am so happy. But just spending the evening with you would have been enough." the human said, gracefully accepting the gift.

"I am on earth. It is only logical that I take part in such rituals as a Birthday celebration." Spock answered, sitting down next to Jim. "Open it. I hope my choice in gift is satisfactory."

Jim slowly unwrapped the present, trying not to tear up the paper too much until he had uncovered a book. Jim's eyes almost fell out of their sockets. He was holding an antique book. His favorite book as a child. Peter Rabbit. Jim stared at the book in awe.

"How'd you get this?" he asked quietly.

"I received a significant amount of help from the Owner of the old book store you seem to enjoy greatly. He located this book, and arranged the transport to here." Spock tilted his head ever so slightly as he watched Jim stare at the book, his expression blank. "Is it not to your liking, Jim?" it wasn't until then that Spock noticed the tears.

"Spock. This is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever given me. In my entire life. Thank You. I love it." Jim whispered. He turned to look at Spock, wiping away his tears.

"Then I do not understand why you are crying." Spock said, giving Jim another confused look.

"Those are tears of joy, Spock. You made me so happy, I had to cry." Jim smiled, leaning over to press a kiss to Spock's cheek. "Thank you, T'hy'la."

But the evening wasn't over then.

There was a knock on the door, but Bones didn't wait for an invitation. He simply walked in.

"Should lock your door, Professor. There are bad people out there." Bones grinned. "Come on, Jim; pull on your shoes, Spock get a jacket its cold. We're going out for some fun."

Jim grinned at Bones, shooing him out of the room. He was pretty sure that, even if the Vulcan wasn't showing it, he was not pleased by the violation of his privacy.

"You don't have to go, Spock. I understand if you want to stay." Jim said.

"I will accompany you. There is a 86.34 chance of you and the Doctor indulging in excessive drinking, and will be highly intoxicated by the early hours of the day." Spock stood, grabbing a thick jacket and a pair of shoes.

"So. You're worried we'll be too drunk to get back to our dorm?" Jim was pulling his own shoes on.

"I do not worry, Jim. However, there is also a big possibility of you and the Doctor crossing harm's way in such a condition."

"Well, Spock, aren't you just a sweetheart."

The evening went just as Spock had predicted it. Even though Bones hit the bottle a lot harder then Jim had, Spock ended up throwing them over his shoulders and carrying him home.

Bones had giggled "So Jim, is this how you imagined getting so close to Spock's ass for the first time?"

And suddenly, the doctor's body slipped from Spock's shoulder, down the Vulcan's back. Only inches separated his face from the cold floor. Spock was holding onto Bones ankles, casually turning his head over his shoulder to look at the dangling body.

"Okay, Okay, Fine! I got the point Spock, inappropriate comment." Bones mumbled. "Now pull me back up." The answer he received was surprising to both of them.

"Doctor, as you have pointed out the proximity to my rear was inappropriate for anyone else but my T'hy'la. I will not let you fall. But I will also not pull you up."

"...Green blooded, pointy eared bastard." Bones groaned as he let his arms trail over the floor, cleaning the street below.

"Bones. You made your bed, lay in it." Jim giggled.

* * *

And even though he and Spock had grown so close, even though they spent so much time together, and finally admitted just how much they cared for each other, even though 6 months had passed. Spock still wouldn't kiss him. Or hold his hand like he had in the hospital.

He didn't even let Jim sleep over. Jim had tried everything in his power. He had asked nicely, he had begged, he had whined, he had bitched. He had acted like he had fallen asleep. But Spock did not budge. Jim ended up in his own room every night.

Whenever Jim tried to be more intimate with Spock, the Vulcan would gently reject him. But rejection was rejection, no matter how sweet. And at first, Jim had just pushed it away, thinking Spock just wasn't ready.

But now, Jim was getting a little uneasy. As he watched Spock, sitting on the couch while he was on the floor, he felt like there was still some kind of distance between them. He had kept this to himself for long enough. He needed to voice his thoughts. His heart beat increased. He felt his palms growing wet.

Spock immediately noticed the change, turning to look at Jim. "Are you feeling all right, Jim? Your cardiac frequency is elevated."

"Spock. Do you ever want to be with me?" Jim blurted out. There he had asked. "I mean. I understand that you needed time and all that but... it's been six months and... We know each other now. I mean, we can literally finish each other's sentences. I mean... it feels like it's time to take a step forward but you don't seem to want that."

"You are concerned that our relationship is not moving along because I do not wish for it to move forward?" Spock asked.

"Well. Yeah. If you say it like that. Do you want to be with me? In a romantic way?" Jim asked, moving to once more sit next to the Vulcan.

"Of course I do, T'hy'la. You must never doubt this." Spock slowly laid aside the papers he had been holding. "Jim, do not think I do not wish to be with you in every way possible. But once I take this step with you, Jim, there is no going back."

"Wait. So we go on one date, and then that's just it?" Jim asked.

"No, Jim. We can date, we can even kiss. But if we get too close... a bond will form. A Bond that cannot be destroyed. It is not possible. We will be bonded for the rest of our lives. That is final, Jim. And that is the reason why I have tried to avoid your romantic advances." Spock turned his gaze to the perfectly white wall. "I wanted us to spend as much time together so that... the chance of you feeling comfortable enough to take this step with me would be bigger."

"So you've been keeping your distance for my benefit?" Jim asked, tilting his head to the side. "Giving me more time to get to know you, to know what I'm getting into?"

"That is correct. I did not want you to rush into something with me, Jim. Simply because a bond cannot be undone." Spock wasn't looking at Jim.

"Look Spock... I made that decision long ago. When I saw you lying in the hospital. I felt feelings I had never known I could feel. I knew that my place would always be at your side. You're the only one, T'hy'la. And I am ready."

Spock sighed, rubbing his face in a very unvulcan way. "Then we must keep it a secret. If the board finds out, the consequences will be immediate and unpleasant."

"Yeah I know. But Spock. I was thinking about this anyway." Jim gently took Spock's hand into his. "If I really go along with the commanding track. I won't be here very much. I'll be out in space, and you'll be here waiting for me. And... I just don't like the idea of that. And I was considering switching to something else. I can still do it until the end of this year."

"Jim, you may not have had the dream of becoming a captain for very long. But it is still your dream. And I cannot ask you to let your chance at becoming just that passes by, just because I would be left behind on earth." And finally, after six months, Spock actually returned the soft grasp, pressing his fingertips against Jim's.

"And I can't ask you to stay here waiting for me while I go out exploring space." Jim sighed, looking down at their joined hands. "My father died in space. I never got to see him, Spock. I never saw my own father. And even though I hate my mother for leaving me behind, I understand her pain. If I were to die out there... we wouldn't even get to say goodbye. I wouldn't be able to see your face again. That's nothing I want to risk. I can always switch to engineering. I can design new space ships."

"But that is not what you want, T'hy'la. You have always wanted to be in space." Spock said quietly.

"Things change, Spock. My life changed. I have you in it, now. I can't just think of myself anymore. I don't want to leave you here for weeks, maybe even months. I will find something else that I enjoy doing." Jim smiled, pressing Spock's hands reassuringly.

"Jim, I cannot agree to this." Spock said firmly.

"Okay, here's my suggestion. We go on a few dates. We take it easy, so our minds don't bond. And then, if we decide that we do want to bond, and stay together for the rest of our lives, we can talk about this again."

"That seems satisfactory." Spock said slowly.

"Okay. Then I'll pick you up Friday night for our first date." Jim smirked, utterly satisfied with how this had gone, going back to his book.

Spock's gaze was fixed on the human for just a few seconds before he too went back to his work.

* * *

"Would ya stop fidgeting? You know I'd like to get into that bathroom sometime today, too." Bones called from their bedroom. Jim just rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I'm taking a Vulcan out to a date okay? I'm nervous." Jim huffed, trying for the 6th time, and failing, to tame his hair and make it look more like something a serious grown up would wear.

"God Jim. It's not gonna make a freaking difference to that cold blooded hobgoblin. He'll be wearing his normal stuff too." Bones said, finally getting up from his bed, leaning against the door frame to the bathroom.

"Yeah well, I'm human, and I want to look good for my first date with the man I might marry, thank you very much." Jim replied.

"You know. That was a thing I never thought I would hear out of your mouth." Bones said. "But if you don't get out of this bathroom right now, two things will happen. A) I will kick you out so I can finally take a piss. B) You'll be late."

"What?! What time is it?" Jim asked, finally giving up on his hair, and bolting out of the bathroom.

"Time for you to put on your shoes and coat, and head out. Oh and make sure the Vulcan wears something that's appropriate for this weather. Don't need him trying to rip his clothes off in my clinic again." Bone teased, closing the bathroom door.

"Yeah, you'd instantly fall in love with my beautiful alien." He teased back, pulling on his jacket and zipping it up. Snow had fallen during the day, but luckily it had stopped now. Jim made his way to Spock's apartment, trying to fight the urge to whistle.

When he knocked on Spock's door, the door opened slowly. Spock looked at the snow covering the outside. "I assume we will be going somewhere off campus."

"You assume correctly, Mr. Spock. So throw on a jacket." If Jim's grin could have produced electricity, it would have lit up the entire the entire building.

"Very well." Spock walked back into his rooms, coming out with a tick jacket, pulling it on, and closing the door. "You have chosen a place to go to, then?"

"Yeah. Come on Spock." Jim smiled, tucking his hands into his pockets to shield them from the cold. "It's not far."

They walked in silence. Jim was excited, nervous, and this was slightly awkward. Not that he hadn't dreamed of this, he had. Many times. But dreaming and actually doing it was a big difference.

"So, how was your day?" Jim asked into the silence.

"My day was satisfactory." Spock answered. Then they both fell back into silence. Jim took a few more steps before he stopped, turning to Spock.

"Okay. So this isn't even close to what I wanted." Jim said, sighing quietly. "I mean... we're both so tense."

"I have to admit that I feel a certain tension as well. However I cannot find a logical reason for that. We have gone out to dinner many times before." Spock admitted, dark eyes staring into Jim's.

"Well, this is a date, Spock. It's not the same but... I don't want us to feel all awkward. So... let's drop the dinner idea." Slowly, he reached out to Spock, offering him his hand. "Come on."

Spock hesitated, searching the area for other individuals before slowly accepting the hand he was offered, their Fingers intertwining. Jim smiled, pulling Spock with him as they walked through the quiet streets, once again silent.

"You know. The first time I saw you. I knew you were something special." Jim said quietly, as they made their way through alleys, just walking, with no goal, no actual place to arrive. "I felt it. I looked at you, and somehow I knew you'd change my life. I just didn't think you would change so many things."

"I can relate to that, Jim. When we were children. You made me see things I never had before. I didn't know the meaning of friendship. You taught me many things. And I am still grateful for that." Spock answered quietly.

"And you... you thought me to be strong. And to never give up. I'm the guy I am today because of you." Jim stopped, standing in the darkness that was only light up by few, and far apart, streetlamps. He looked into Spock's face, into those beautiful eyes. He smiled, slowly reaching up with his free hand, caressing Spock's cheek with his thumb. "I am happy that I met you, Spock. And if you allow me to, I will show you every day, just how much you mean to me."

Spock looked speechless. His mouth hung open ever so slightly, and Jim could almost see the thoughts rushing through Spock's brain. It made him smile. What happened next, however, he did not expect.

Spock slowly leaned forward, and Jim's eyes grew wide. And before he could actually grasp what was going on, he felt Spock's very hot lips on his own. His body reacted immediately. His heart beat was so hard he thought it might come out of his chest; he started shaking, and feeling faint. But when Spock wanted to pull back, a concerned look on his face, Jim wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him back down, roughly pressing his lips against the Vulcan's, nipping at them, tasting them. He had waited much too long for this.

He almost expected Spock to pull back, even push him away. But the Vulcan started kissing back, clumsily, as if he didn't really know what he was doing. Tongues and teeth clashed together, and it was still the best kiss Jim had ever experienced. Never had he been so aroused by a simple kiss. He pushed his body against Spock's, moaning as his erection rubbed against the Vulcan's leg.

That was when Spock drew the line. Slowly, he pulled back, breaking the kiss, leaving Jim breathless, and flushed cheeks. "Not here, T'hy'la." He whispered. "Not now."

Jim nodded slowly, closing his eyes and taking a steadying breath. "Let's just keep walking." He finally said, still holding Spock's hand as they made their way through the night. Finally, the tension seemed to be gone. They talked. Talked about when they were children. How Jim had always gotten Spock in trouble. How Spock had always scolded Jim. How Jim had tried to show the Vulcan how to swim, just to pull him out of the water only minutes later, afraid that the older boy would drown. Happy memories.

Jim made sure they didn't stay outside for much longer, knowing that Spock would be getting cold. They found a small restaurant that served vegetarian meals as well. They sat and talked some more, and while they did not hold hands anymore, Jim could have sworn that Spock's hand was brushing against 'accidentally' two or three times. They enjoyed their meal until Jim noticed two of the waitresses whispering and giggling, shooting looks over at the two men.

Jim was a little put off by it, but it wasn't until one of them came to their table, her cheeks as red as they could be, quickly laying a piece of paper next to Spock, before dashing off into the kitchen almost at light speed. The second waitresses giggled almost manically before also disappearing behind the door that lead to the kitchen.

Spock quirked a brow, looking at Jim confused as he picked up the paper. "What's it say?" Jim asked, moving closer to see what she had written, though he was pretty sure he knew what would be scribbled onto it.

"A phone number." Spock finally said. "I do not understand. Why would she give me her phone number?"

Jim had felt jealous right up to this moment. The way Spock looked down at the piece of paper, confused, and utterly clueless just made him laugh. Laugh until he had tears in his eyes.

"I fail to see how this is humorous." Spock said, quiet obviously irritated by Jim's behavior.

"I'm sorry Spock." Jim was gasping for breath, finally calming down. "She wants you to call her."

"And why would I call her?" Spock asked.

"..Spock. She finds you attractive. Or esthetically pleasing as you call it. She wants you to call her so you can take her out on a date." Jim grinned.

"...Then I should inform her that I am not interested." Spock said, standing up and making his way to the waitresses that was eagerly awaiting.

Jim couldn't hear what Spock said, but he did see the result. The girl started crying, and then ran off into the kitchen. Spock pulled out his wallet, paying for their meals, motioning for Jim to get ready to leave.

"What did you say to her?" Jim asked as they were outside once more, grinning. "Man, that looked brutal."

"I simply told her that I am not interested in her for I do not find her personality appealing, and she was not esthetically pleasing to me. Also, I informed her that I was already taken, and that it is not proper to try to find a mate in the way that she just did." Spock's voice was even as he spoke.

"...So you basically told her you find her annoying, ugly, skanky, and that you already had someone. Gosh, Spock. You could have let her down easy." Jim said, still grinning. "Poor girl will never try to hit on a guy ever again."

"Vulcan's cannot lie, Jim. I simply informed her that 'picking up', as you call it, a strange man in a restaurant and handing over such personal information so thoughtlessly is not a smart choice."

"Oh Spock." Jim grinned, hiding his hands in his pocket. They were heading back to campus, and they couldn't hold hands. Even if it was late, there was a chance that someone would see. But Spock did not object to Jim bringing him back to his room.

When they finally reached Spock's rooms, Jim didn't want to go. He just didn't want this to end like this. Not today. "Can I come in? Just for a little?" he asked. Spock looked at him for a moment, his eyes impervious, until he gave a short nod, opening his door and letting him in.

They stood there in silence, the tension building, and when Jim thought he was going to completely lose it, he felt the Vulcan's arms wrap around him, hot lips pressed to his once more. Jim felt his knee's give in, but Spock was holding him so tightly there was no way to fall. The Vulcan kept attacking his lips, over and over, and Jim could do nothing but yield to those demanding lips.

Spock pulled back, his breathing slightly labored as he looked at Jim. "T'hy'la." he whispered quietly.

"Spock... please... mind melt with me." Jim whispered breathlessly.

"T'hy'la... we cannot. If I get pulled in too deeply, the bond will be formed and we cannot go back."

"I don't care. You won't get pulled in too deep. Please T'hy'la. I need to feel you. I need to connect with you. Please, Spock, T'hy'la. Please." Jim pleaded.

Spock couldn't resist. He pulled Jim to sit on the sofa once more, and Jim dully noticed that he had never been in Spock's bedroom again, since he had slept off his drunkenness, but that wasn't important now.

The only important thing was that he was here with Spock, and that he would once more get to feel that wonderful thing that Spock called mind melt.

The Vulcan didn't take long before pressing his fingertips to the meld points on Jim's face. As always there was silence first. And then there it was. Spock's mind, brushing against his, wrapping him up in everything Spock was. Jim's eyes fluttered shut. This was better than anything. Better then sex even. To be so connected to someone, in such a deep way, was everything Jim never dared to dream of. But suddenly, the connection broke, and Spock pulled back.

Jim's eyes flew open, and he stared at Spock. "Why'd you... Why'd you stop?" He whispered. It could have only been seconds that they were connected. Why had he suddenly stopped?

"I am sorry T'hy'la. Our connection was too deep. I feared that the bond would establish if I had continued. I apologize. But that is a risk I could not take." Spock's eyes were cold once more, and Jim knew that was his cue to go.

"Okay. I understand. Will I see you tomorrow?" he asked. The Vulcan shook his head.

"I will need to meditate." Jim nodded, smiling at the Vulcan.

"I understand, T'hy'la. You can come to me whenever you want." He slowly stood, but Spock stopped him, brushing his lips against Jim's before letting him go once more.

"Good night, T'hy'la." Spock said.

"Good night, T'hy'la." Jim responded.

* * *

"How'd it go?" Bones asked as Jim came in, slipping out of his jacket, and taking off his shoes.

"Bones. I've done something that is better than sex. That's how it went." Jim smirked, letting himself fall onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling, grinning.

"Oh dear lord. You look like a fat cat that just gulped down 3 mice at once." Bones said, turning to his side to look at Jim. "What happened?"

"Well, we kissed. He shot down a girl in the most brutal way I have ever seen without even knowing. And then we mind melted. I'd say that's a pretty good date."

"Hold your horses. You mind melted?" Bones said, sitting up, staring down on Jim. "Like... really mind melted?"

"Yeah Bones. Really mind melted. And it was the most... beautiful thing ever. Honestly, you can't compare it to anything else." Jim said, his eyes shining. "I tell you bones. If I had to choose between sex and a mind melt with Spock. I'd take the mind melt every time."

"Hm. Are you sure that you're feeling this?" Bones asked.

"What do you mean?" Jim furrowed his brows.

"Well, a comment side affect of mind melts are that the emotions are transferred as well. I mean, are you sure these are your feelings, and not Spock's?"

Jim gaped at him. "So hold on. You're telling me that all these things I'm feeling, the whole T'hy'la business... could have been put into my brain by Spock?!"

"Well... if this was your first mind melt, then no I mean... Wait. Have you two mind melted before?" Jim swallowed. Hard.

"Y-Yeah... When he showed me what it means to be T'hy'la. I... He showed me his feelings, and the meaning of T'hy'la.. What I meant to him." Jim couldn't breathe. "And.. shortly after that I started feeling for him that way too..."

"Fuck Jim." Bones groaned. "Please, please tell me you didn't let that Vulcan put something into your brain that you didn't want."

"I... I don't know Bones. I never.. I didn't know. I didn't think that was possible!" Jim was panicking. What if all of this wasn't real? What if he was making a mistake? What if these were Spock's feelings, and not his? He stood, pacing the room, running fingers through his hair.

"Oh god. Bones. What if this... What if all of this that I'm feeling, what if it is all Spock? What if he just... put it into my brain?"

"Jim calm down, or you're gonna hurt yourself." Bones scolded, grabbing Jim by his arm, quickly pressing a hypo to his neck. "This will make you calm down. Come on, lay down." Bones helped him onto bed. "No sense in panicking. Close your eyes. Relax. We'll come up with something tomorrow."

But Jim was already fast asleep.

* * *

And once more, a chapter took me half the day. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma.


	11. Doubts

And I'm back. I apologize it took so long to update, but aside of the unbelievable heat we have had in Germany, my laptop also decided to break. I will try to update regularly again.

Enjoy Chapter 11.

* * *

Jim woke as a ray of sunlight hit his face. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking slightly at the light before finally sitting up. He looked over to the doctors bed that was already empty. Another early shift, Jim assumed.

The human rubbed his neck. He was getting too many hypos, his skin was red and irritated. And yet, he was thankful for the soother Bones had given him last night. Now that he was awake, his mind was spinning.

He hadn't known that mind meld's could transfer emotions. Where all the things he felt a lie? Were all of these feelings his own? Or did they come from the Vulcan? Jim shook his head. He knew Spock had said he needed time to meditate, that he didn't want to see Jim today. But he couldn't stand it anymore. He needed to talk to Spock. But first, he needed a shower.

The water felt good against his skin, soothing his aching muscles. Jim stood under the warm water, his eyes closed, taking a few minutes to calm himself as the water caressed his body.

What if everything had been a lie? What if they had never mind melded? Would Jim have still felt the same way? Or had the spark come from Spock? Had he somehow manipulated him into believing that he felt for the Vulcan, too? Jim had a hard time picturing that. Spock wouldn't have done it on purpose.

Or would he?

Jim shook his head, turning off the water as he stepped out of the shower. He wasn't sure about anything anymore. When he thought of Spock, his body reacted. His heart fluttered, his cheeks grew hot, and he had the almost uncontrollable urge to grin. And yet... what if this wasn't him?

Now that he thought about it, all of this didn't make much sense. Jim had never wanted to settle. Never wanted to marry, move into a big house and have a ton of children. He had always been more of a wanderer. A playboy, even. Jim was many things. But could he really be a husband? Maybe even a father?

He had never wanted to end up like his mother. Broken, lonely, and somewhat fucked up. Fine, he was fucked up already. But he wasn't broken, nor was he lonely. He had Bones, a man he already considered a close friend. He had enough girls that were all too willing to be his date for the day, and especially for the night. His life had been easy, hadn't it? No serious relationships. No pain. Just fun.

And now here he was, staring at his face in the mirror, considering to chose another career because he didn't want to be away from his partner. _Partner_. He had never thought he would have someone he wanted to share his life with.

But the question remained. Did he really want to spend his life with Spock?

Pulling on his clothes, Jim still couldn't come up with an answer. If his feelings were real, if they were genuinely his, then yes. He could see himself marrying this man. But what if they weren't? If all of this, the past six months, had been a side affect of their first mind meld?

He couldn't think about this for one more second without going mad. He had to see Spock.

The walk to the Vulcan's apartment was almost unbearable. Snow had started to fall. Christmas was coming closer. Happy couples were roaming the campus. And for the first time Jim noticed that he barely saw any same sex couples. He was currently in a relationship with a man. Did that make him gay? He had never been interested in a male before, always chasing women. Was he gay? Or was Spock an exception? Maybe he was bisexual?

He tried to think of any other male he might have been attracted to, but couldn't come up with anything. Sure, he knew when a guy was good looking, but Jim had never felt attracted to them.

For example, Bones. He was a good looking guy. Smart. Sure, broke thanks to his ex-wife, but not a bad catch. But Jim couldn't think of the doctor as attractive. And even imagining kissing him grossed him out. Spock was definitely the only man he had ever been attracted to.

Jim stood at the Vulcan's door, hesitating. Spock was probably meditating. He would be bothering him while the Vulcan built up his control after last night. But how long could that take? Hours had passed. This couldn't wait. He needed to talk to him.

He knocked on the door, waiting for a reply. After minutes passed, and he got no reaction, he knocked again, harder. Come on Spock, he thought. I know you are there. Open the door.

Finally, he heard movement in the room, and only seconds later the door was opened, and he was looking up into the face of the man he might, or might not, love. His stomach lurched. His heart fluttered. And for once, Jim didn't want those feelings. He didn't want to feel like wrapping his arms around the Vulcan's neck, pressing his lips to his, holding him as close as possible.

His thought must have been mirrored on his face, for Spock moved to the side, beckoning Jim him wordlessly. Jim took a second. He could still leave. He could still run, turn away, call all of this off, and run to safety. Lead the life he had always wanted to. He still had that chance.

Spock quirked an eyebrow at him, another silent question. Jim shook his head, as if that was some kind of answer, walking into Spock's apartment. He felt aggravated. Angry. Why hadn't Spock told him about what could happen? Seeing the Vulcan pulled the anger to the surface.

Jim walked over to the couch, minding the heat in the apartment for the very first time. He could already feel the sweat forming on his forehead. "Could you just.. turn down the heat? Just a little?" He asked quietly.

Spock complied, lowering the temperature in the room before making his way over to the human on his couch, almost carefully. Jim could tell Spock was more then confused at his sudden visit, and even more so at his behavior, but right now, he had other things to worry about.

"You are troubled." The Vulcan finally said, sitting down next to Jim.

"Yeah. I'm troubled, Spock." Jim confirmed quietly.

"And why are you troubled, Jim?" Spock inquired.

"Bones and I. We talked last night." Jim sighed, rubbing his face, annoying himself more as he spread the beads of sweat. "He read up on some Vulcan stuff."

"And he has found something that you find unpleasing?" Spock's brow arched again, and Jim couldn't help but feel even more annoyed at the gesture that he normally loved so much. What if he didn't love it? What if the mind meld was just making him feel this?

"Yeah. He said that.. sometimes, during a mind meld.. Emotions get.. I don't know, transferred I guess." Jim looked up at Spock. "That the one feels the emotions of the other."

"That is a common side effect of a mind meld, yes." Spock answered. "But I do not see why you are troubled over this Jim. You wished to feel my emotions."

"Yeah I wanted to feel _your_ emotions. I didn't know that they could actually be put into my brain!" Jim spat. "I didn't think you could put _your_ emotions into _my _brain."

"You are under the impression that I transferred my emotions into your mind, to make you believe you have such feelings for me."

"No Spock I.. I don't think you'd do it on purpose I just.. What if that's what I'm feeling? What if all this.. everything I feel for you. What if that's your feelings, not mine?" Jim asked, blue eyes staring into dark ones.

"Jim. While emotions can be shared during a mind meld, and each party feels them as an after effect for a limited time after, it is not possible to force emotions into someone's mind, and even less to make them manifest there." Spock stood, walking over to the window, hands clasped behind his back firmly as he seemed to watch the snow fall. "Whatever you are feeling, Jim. They are your emotions. Not mine."

"So.. there is no way.. This. All of this. This is really me?" Jim asked. "You're not lying to me?"

"I am Vulcan, Jim. Vulcan's cannot lie."

"Oh thank god..." Jim sighed in relieve. "When Bones told me.. I was seriously freaking out." Jim stood, moving to stand next to the Vulcan, letting his fingertips run over his arm.

Spock pulled away. "Jim, I believe that your doubt and fear give a clear message."

Jim frowned at him. "What do you mean?"

"If you were able to doubt this. Our relationship. Your feelings for me. Maybe you aren't ready." Spock's words hurt Jim in a way he never thought he could be hurt. Unless someone decided to plunge a burning hot knife into his heart.

"No. Don't do this to me Spock. I was insecure because of what Bones said. And.. yeah. I am a little insecure about our future. I never thought I'd want to settle down with someone. But I want to settle down with you. So maybe these feelings scare me a little. Yeah. I love you so much, it scares me sometimes. But that doesn't mean I'm not ready. That just means it's new." Jim said, balling his hands into fists.

"It is new to me, too, Jim." Spock finally turned to look at him. "But I have always known that I would bond, and settle down, as you call it."

"So you always knew you'd be a husband. I didn't. Whats so bad about that?" Jim's frown grew deeper, and the anger that had just been soothed roared back to life. "You can't blame me for being a little afraid of this! This is something for _life_ Spock. You have to cut me some slack."

"I realize that it is a final decision. Which is why I constantly urged you to think about it, to take your time. To understand what you are asking. And what you will receive if your wishes are fulfilled."

"..So what are you saying?" Jim asked. He was slightly scared now. Was Spock going to call all of this off? Would he reject Jim? Would he really be left behind?

"I am saying Jim. That I have let this get out of hand too quickly. I gave in to you. And maybe that was a mistake." Spock turned his back to Jim, as if he couldn't take the expression on his face.

"..Was I a mistake, Spock?" The humans voice shook, and Spock closed his eyes. He wanted nothing more but to turn around and hold his T'hy'la, usher him into his bed and hold him so close that there would never be space for another doubt. But he didn't.

"No, Jim. You were no mistake, and you will never be a mistake. However, I believe that we have moved into a romantic relationship too quickly."

"That's bullshit." Jim whispered. "Look.. I get that you're upset that I doubted my feelings for you. And you know, I probably deserve this but.. please don't do this, Spock. Please. I'm sorry I freaked out on you. I am. But.. I just. Don't ask me to not be close to you. To not kiss you. Or hold your hand. I don't.. I don't think I could stand going back to just friends."

"Vulcan's do not get upset." Spock replied. His voice was so cold. So even. No emotion. Jim wanted to hit him, square in the face, and scream at him.

"But you aren't only Vulcan. You are part human, too. And I love both sides of you, Spock. I love when you are rational, logical. How you put people into their place without even insulting them. Just because you're so goddamn smart." Jim had to take a breath, to steady himself, once more. "But I also love.. when you get angry. Or when you look at me and I can just _see_ the love in your eyes.. I even love when you get jealous of Bones. I love that thing you do when I make you smile. That little twitch of your lips.. And right now. I need something. Some kind of.. feeling from you. I know you are feeling something. Please. Share it with me."

Spock stood there, unmoving, for a very long time. Or at least that's what it seemed like to Jim. Finally he turned, locking eyes onto Jim's. And there it was.

The emotion spoke so clearly to Jim, despite the blank expression, despite the cold manner Spock was treating him with. Despite the perfectly straight back. Hurt. And, Jim would bet his life on this, even a bit fear.

"Its okay." Jim finally said, reaching out to his T'hy'la, placing his hand against the hot cheek. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I should never have doubted you. Or our relationship. I'm sorry. I promise it won't happen again. I have to admit, that the idea of spending my life with someone was never one I was very fond of. But I hadn't been with you, Spock. I told you before. My life has changed because I have you. And sometimes, its scary. But.. that doesn't mean I don't want it."

A hot hand was placed over his, and Jim could have sworn Spock moved his cheek into Jim's touch, for just a second before pulling back his hand.

"I can only trust you know what you want and need, T'hy'la." He said. "I need to meditate."

"Of course. I'll.. I'll come by again tomorrow." Jim said, smiling lightly. "Its okay to be upset at me, Spock. I probably deserve that."

Spock wanted to reply, but Jim cut him off as he lifted one hand. "Its okay, I get it. Vulcan's don't get upset. I'll see you tomorrow, Spock."

And with that, Jim left. Making his way back to his room.

* * *

Spock watched as Jim walked out. He would have never admitted it, but he was once more struggling for control. Not as bad as before, but he could feel his emotions tugging at him. Jim had doubted him. If Spock had been a lesser man, he might have felt his pride had been insulted. But Spock knew he was better then that.

Jim's doubts, and his obvious fears had given him a lot to meditate on. The soothing words as he left had helped. But for now, Spock needed to figure out what to do. He would not get Jim to back down, he was sure of this. The question was, would he let their relationship grow more intimate, or should he leave it as it was? Holding hands, a single kiss ever once in a while? It was the most logical choice, until Jim was absolutely sure he wanted the bond. He said he did. But Jim was just a boy. Did he really understand what it meant?

Spock settled down once more to meditate, as he had been doing before Jim had interrupted him. Things seemed to be a lot more complicated then he had anticipated before. And he was grateful that he had been given over 24 hours to calm, and think.

* * *

Jim went to Spock's apartment the next day, just as he had promised, but when the door wasn't opened after he knocked, he went back to his own room. He wasn't going to push his T'hy'la after yesterday.

Spock needed time, and he understood. If he had been on the other side of the conversation they had, he probably would have needed more then a day to think things over, too. He had basically confessed to Spock that he wasn't really 100% sure about the things going on. And even though he too had thought about things a lot too, he still couldn't be completely sure.

He had taken this too easy. He hadn't really thought about it too much. Spock was right. No amount of love would make this work if Jim couldn't embrace everything the bond was.

He needed to sit down and think. How his life would be if they bonded. He would be connected to Spock in a way that no other would be. He would spend his life with him. And he would age, and die, while Spock was still young. He would grow old, wrinkly. He would die before Spock. There was no doubt of that. Jim had always been sure that he would die alone. What would that do to Spock?

They would spend many years together, happy. Maybe they would even adopt a child. They could have a family. Jim couldn't help but imagine what _their_ child would look like. Vulcan genes were dominant, always would be, no matter how much human genes where there. Their child would have the pointy ears, the black hair. Those beautiful alien features. But in his mind, their child would have blue eyes, just like his own. Maybe even his smile.

Of course Jim knew they would never be able to actually have a child, not biologically. They were both men. And even in this time, male pregnancy was nothing that was being pursued. There was simply no need for it. Same sex couples could adopt.

Jim thought about children more. He would want two. A boy, and a girl. He wanted the boy to be older, so that his daughter would have a big brother to rely on. Old fashioned, sure, but if he was going to do this, he might as well do it the way he wanted it. He would give the boy a Vulcan name, because there was no doubt that it would please Spock. And the girl would have a human name. Something unique. Jim hated common names. They were given to too many children, and when someone called out 'Marie' or 'Jennifer' ten girls would turn around to search for whoever had been calling their name.

Of course, if they had children, there was no way Jim could be a captain. He would need a job that would keep him on earth, close to his family. Jim wondered if Spock ever wanted to return to Vulcan. If their children were human, that didn't seem like a good idea. But there was nothing wrong with adopting a child of another race. Could he be happy on Vulcan? Spock's mother seemed to manage. But Jim also knew that Spock's childhood had been though. Not something he wanted for his own children.

Suddenly, Jim had to laugh. Here he was, with a boyfriend that wasn't even sure about things anymore, thinking about marriage, and even children. Where they would live. Where their children would grow up. He wasn't even sure if Spock wanted children.

Jim decided that all of this was too far into the future. They had time. He was still young, even for a human. He didn't need to think of these things just yet. They wouldn't have to be discussed until they agreed on getting bonded.

Left with nothing to do on a Sunday, Jim decided to go out to the city, to roam those cold streets once more, while he waited for Spock to come to him.

* * *

Monday came and went. He hadn't gone to Spock's apartment again. He hadn't even stayed behind after the Vulcan's class. Spock would come to him once he was ready, Jim was sure of that.

The time spent without Spock was hard, and awkward. Normally, in the evenings, he would be with him, sitting in the way too hot rooms, not caring that he was sweating, just happy to be here.

He filled that time with reading, or going out with Bones.

It wasn't until a week later that Spock finally sought him out. It was Saturday night, and Jim was just getting ready for another drinking tour with Bones once the doctor got out of the clinic as there was a knock on the door. Jim slipped into his pants quickly, hurrying to open the door. It could only be one person. Bones had keys to the room. He wouldn't have knocked.

Spock stood in front of him, and Jim felt a wave of longing was over him, like a monstrous wave.

"May I come in?" The Vulcan asked quietly. Jim just nodded, leaving the door open as he walked back into the room, slightly embarrassed by the mess. Clothes where flung over the chair of the desk, on the floor, scattered over his bed.

"I'd say sit where there's room but.. there really isn't any." Jim grinned slightly.

"Indeed." Spock agreed, looking around the room with that slightly put off expression that made Jim want to pinch his cheek. "I have come to discuss our relationship."

"Yeah, I thought so. So what's the verdict, Spock?" Jim asked, avoiding eye contact. If Spock was going to dump him, he didn't want him looking into his very human, and therefor very revealing eyes.

"I have come to the conclusion that I cannot go back to what we used to have." Spock said. "However, it is also only logical to not let our relationship grow more intimate at this point in time."

"I agree." Jim said, and even though Spock would never have admitted it, he had been surprised.

"I thought about this a lot." Jim continued, running fingers through his hair. "You were right. I wasn't taking this serious enough. You were right all along, Spock. And I didn't want to hear it because I am so utterly in love with you that I would bond right here and now if that's what you wanted. But we both need more time. I couldn't go back to just being your friend, either. But what we have, right now. That's fine too. As long as I get to spend time with you. Go on a date every once in a while. Hold your hands when we're in private, and maybe even kiss. That's enough for me. I think if we took it further, no amount of reasoning could stop me from bringing you to bond with me. So. I agree. We should keep things the way they are."

"You are being unusually reasonable." Spock said.

"What can I say, Spock? Even I can be logical." Jim grinned, patting Spock on the shoulder. "Look, I need to get ready and pick up Bones. I don't mean to be rude but I don't really have much time."

Spock nodded slowly. "I assume it will be another night out with the guys, as humans call it."

"Well, only one guy, but yeah. I would cancel if I hadn't promised. He's been having a shit week with his boss. He could use the distraction." Jim smiled, digging through the clothes on his bed in an attempt to find something clean.

"May I accompany you?"

Jim grinned, trying hard to suppress the surge of joy flowing through him. "Jealous or worried, Spock?" He simply asked, pulling a white t-shirt over his head.

"A bit of both. If you mention it to Doctor McCoy, I will deny everything." Jim laughed, turning to Spock with that boyish, and ridiculously charming, grin.

"Oh I would never dare to tell anyone that the great Spock was capable of feeling."

* * *

Christmas was only a week away, putting Jim into a tight spot. Every cadet had a week off, to go see their families, but some stayed behind, for many reasons. Their race didn't celebrate Christmas, or they weren't close enough to their family, or the travel was simply too long for just a week.

Jim knew that Spock would be staying on campus, and normally he would have stayed with him, no question. But Margaret had called. She had practically _demanded_ that Jim come home for the holidays. Jim couldn't deny his mother anything. He had said he would come.

Now the question was, should he ask Spock to come along? His parents would be pleased if he brought his childhood friend. But what would Spock think of this? He didn't celebrate Christmas, but Jim couldn't bring himself to leave Spock behind. Not on the holidays.

So when they were once more sitting on that white couch that was like Jim's second bed, he turned to Spock. "Come home with me for Christmas. Home to Iowa."

"You want me to accompany you to your family over the holidays." Spock looked up from the book he had been reading, unreadable eyes looking into Jim's.

"Yes. Margaret called me, threatened to come and get me if I didn't come willingly this Christmas. I don't want you to have to spend it alone."

"Jim, these holidays hold no meaning to me. It is just another day as any other." Spock's eyebrow arched at the human sitting next to him.

"I know. But it means something to me. Will you come?" Jim asked, placing his hand on Spock's knee. "Please? For me?"

"Very well." was all that Spock said before going back to his book. Jim grinned. This would be the best Christmas ever.

* * *

"Jim! Look at you! You've grown so much." Margaret smiled at him, that loving smile Jim had always wanted from his biological mother when he was a child. But now Margaret was his mother. And John was his father.

"Mom, its fine." Jim said, laughing as he hugged her,standing in the living room, next to a big and excessively decorated tree. "I haven't changed at all since you saw me last."

"Oh Jim, yes you have. Look at you, you're glowing!" Margaret turned to Spock, looking him up and down. "My god, Spock. Look at you all grown up! I can't believe you're a professor now. Last time I saw you, you were just as tall as Jim was. You're so tall now!"

Tears welled up in Margaret eyes, and Jim quickly pulled her into a hug. "Oh come on, Mom. Its fine. Don't cry."

"I know, I know, I'm being silly." She smiled, quickly wiping away the tears from her eyes as she smiled once more. "I'm just so happy that you two are spending Christmas with us. I couldn't believe that you would be coming here too, Spock."

"She was through the roof with joy." John said as he joined them in the living room, pressing a loving kiss to his wife's cheek as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Went to every bookstore we have, trying to find some Vulcan recipes. She wanted to make sure you're as comfortable as possible. Its good to see you, Spock."

"What, and its not good to see me?" Jim grinned, patting his father's shoulder.

"Oh of course it is. You get to help me around the house. I'm an old man, I can use any help I can get." John grinned, making Jim groan.

"I thought I came here to _relax." _

The friendly ribbing went on, as they were showed to their rooms. Spock was getting the guest room, while Jim would be staying in his childhood room.

"Spock, we put some extra blankets onto your bed so you won't get cold. And we've heated the house up. I hope you aren't cold." Margaret looked at the Vulcan, worried, as if he was a son of hers too.

"The temperature is sufficient." Was all Spock said, looking around the room. The Vulcan wondered if his mothers house had looked like this.

"Oh Spock. You haven't changed one bit." She smiled, not giving the Vulcan a chance to answer, Jim chuckling behind her. "Dinner's almost ready. Wash up. Jim, help your father set the table." She left, making her way to the kitchen. John patted Spock on the back.

"You'll get used to it." he said warmly, following his wife. Jim grinned.

"I'm glad you came, Spock. I really am." Jim said. "Come on, don't want to upset the host."

Spock followed Jim quietly. This would prove to be interesting. They had discussed if they should tell John and Margaret about themselves, and decided that for now, it was best to keep it a secret. After all, it was a big thing, huge even, and Jim hadn't been sure if dropping a bomb like that would go well when they weren't even sure about it. Spock had agreed.

Little did they know that they would not be given that choice.

* * *

Dinner was a nice experience. Margaret had indeed tried to cook something Vulcan for Spock, and even though the dishes had an odd taste to them, and only barely resembled the original dishes, Spock had thanked her politely and eaten everything on his plate. Margaret reminded him off his mother, even though Amanda was a much better cook, concerning Vulcan meals.

The conversation was pleasant, easy, and Spock found himself enjoying it. Margaret and John were pleasant, and Jim was certainly enjoying himself too. Watching his T'hy'la so relaxed, so happy, was something Spock cherished.

"So, Jim." Margaret finally said. "When were you going to tell us you had a girlfriend?"

Jim almost choked on the water he had been drinking. "Mom, what the hell?"

"Language, young man." Margaret was still smiling. "I'm your mother, Jim. You can't hide those things from me. The last few times we talked, you were so happy. And here you are, glowing. You've lost your heart. Did you really think you could keep that from me?"

"Mom this really isn't something I want to talk about." Jim said, shooting Spock a look that screamed _help me._

"Come on, son." John chimed in, grinning as well. "Your mother is right. I know that look when you daze off and think of her. Spill."

Jim groaned, rubbing his face. "God, you two." He sighed. What would he do? He could either lie, make up some story of a girl he had met, how they started dating and how he had lost his heart to her. He could lie to his parents, right in front of his partner. Or he could tell the truth. He looked at Spock, those dark eyes as unreadable and deep as always. He couldn't lie to his parents.

"Well." Jim started, slowly. "When I went to the academy.. I met the most wonderful person in my entire life. ..He.. is brilliant. And kind. And the most amazing being I have come across in my entire life."

Jim watched his parents eyes grow wide. They probably had never thought their son would be gay. Neither had he, to be honest.

"And. We took it really slow. We were just friends, in the beginning. And then, finally, after six months he agreed to go on a date with me. Mom, Dad. I know.. I know you never thought I'd be in a serious relationship, least of all with a man but. That's the way it is. I love him. Very much." Jim turned to look at Spock, offering him his hand, and Spock gingerly accepted the gesture, laying his hand into Jim's, grasping it gently. "And if he allows me. I will spend the rest of my life making him happy."

Jim didn't dare to look at his parents. Would they be upset? Maybe even disgusted? Would they throw him out, would they hate him just as his mother had? Jim knew it would be painful if they did. That it would break his heart. But when he looked into Spock's eyes, those endless hues. He knew it was worth it. That he would survive any pain, if Spock was just here with him.

It took a second before Margaret finally spoke. "Jim. You are right. We never thought you would settle down. We were.. afraid that your mother had made that impossible for you." Jim finally looked at his mother. She looked serious, worried, and yet, somehow happy.

"We never thought you'd marry, or have kids." John continued, now holding his wife's hand.

"But. We always hoped." Margaret said, finally smiling. "We hoped that you would find someone that made you happy. And it looks like you have."

Jim nodded, squeezing Spock's hand ever so gently as he once more looked over to his T'hy'la. "He makes me very happy, Mom."

John nodded slowly, turning to Spock as well. "As Jim's father, its my duty to make sure he's doing okay. That he's making the right decisions. That he's being treated well."

Jim couldn't help but laugh. "Dad, you won't give Spock the whole 'You better tread my kid good, or I'll come after you', will you?"

But John looked at Spock with an expression Jim had never seen on his father before. He has serious. "Dad.." Jim started, but John quickly cut in.

"Jim, this is between me and Spock." Spock arched a brow. "Now Spock. I know you're a good kid. And you wouldn't hurt my son on purpose. You can't get him knocked up so that's not a problem. But I promise you, that if you break his heart, a broken heart will be the least of your worries."

"I assume you are threatening me with physical violence." Spock replied calmly.

"John.." Margaret tried to speak, but her husband silenced her with a gentle squeeze to her hand.

"I am. He is my son. And even though he wasn't born into this family, he is my child. And it is my duty to keep him safe. Now I know you Vulcan's aren't big on feelings and all that, but Jim isn't Vulcan. He feels. And he loves you. You two are very different. You come from two planets. From two worlds. I need to know that, despite your Vulcan heritage, despite the logic and everything you were raised with. Do you love my son?"

Jim jumped to his feet, letting go of Spock's hand as he slammed his own into the table, everything on it shaking. "Dad that's not fair! You know Spock could never adm-"

"I love Jim." Spock said quietly. All eyes were on the Vulcan now, as he continued to speak. "I assure you, John, that I love him with every part of my being. I understand your need to clarify that. But neither my origin, nor my upbringing matter. Not to me. Jim is my T'hy'la. My soul mate. He is everything. My love for him is absolute."

Jim gaped at Spock. He knew he had to be looking pretty stupid, seeing as he already knew Spock loved him. But having him say it so outright, so clearly. It made Jim want to cry with joy.

"Well that's good." John said, nodding, obviously pleased with himself, and simply started eating again.

"If you will excuse me. I need to meditate." Spock said, not waiting for an answer as he stood and left, closing the door to the guest room.

Jim sighed, sitting down as well. "Dad. Did you really have to make him say it? You know how Vulcan's are. You probably just sent him to meditate for the entire week we're here. You made him uncomfortable."

"Yes, Jim. I had to know. I know how Vulcan's are. I know how Spock was when I met him as a child. For one year, that boy was a permanent guest at our house. I knew that if he really loved you, he would say it. Even if it made him uncomfortable." John looked at his son, pointing his fork at him. "He's a good guy. But I'm your dad. I had to be sure."

Margaret shook her head, collecting Spock's dishes to bring them into the kitchen. When she returned, and Jim was still sitting there, she gently slapped the back of her son's head.

"What are you still doing here? Go after him, see if he's okay. And apologize for me." She said, turning to look at her husband. "And you and I will have a good, long talk."

That was the cue to leave. Jim kissed his mother's cheek, hurrying to Spock's room, the sound of clattering dishes following him, along side of hushed whispers.

* * *

"Spock?" Jim slowly opened the door. "You okay?"

Spock was sitting in the middle of the room, in his usual position for meditating, but Jim could already see that his T'hy'la wasn't getting anywhere in his attempt to calm. He wasn't upset, he wasn't emotional. But he wasn't his controlled self, either.

"My condition is satisfactory, Jim." Spock said, eyes still closed.

"Mom says to say sorry for her." Jim said, sitting down next to Spock.

"His behavior was only logical. He acted to assure your safety."

"Still. He was being a jerk. He should know how you'd feel after having to admit your feelings so openly. And I'm sorry." Jim sighed, leaning his head against Spock's shoulder. "Are you upset?"

"I am not upset, Jim. Your mother however is, as you call it, chewing him out." Those words made Jim grin.

"He was being rude to a guest. You know how she gets."

"Indeed." Spock said, opening his eyes to look down at his T'hy'la. "She is very eager to be polite."

"Yeah, that's mom." Jim sighed, looking up at Spock. "Are you okay? I mean.. do you still want to stay? Because I could understand if you wanted to go home after all of this. Back to campus, I mean."

"No, Jim. As I have said before, I am not offended by your fathers behavior."

"Then why are you hauled away in your room, trying to meditate?" Jim asked, sliding his hand into Spock's.

"As you have stated, I am not very comfortable with voicing out my emotions. I simply did not want to engage in more conversation." Spock's long fingers curled around Jim's, holding his hand firmly.

"So you lied." Jim grinned.

"No, Jim. I did not lie. I left intending to meditate. Not because I needed it. But because I wanted to." Jim grinned, shaking his head.

"Fine. Well, I'd leave you to meditate, but I'm sure they aren't done bickering. Going out there now would just get me involved. Do you mind if I stay here?"

"You may stay, but I do wish to meditate." Spock said, once more closing his eyes, letting go of Jim's hand.

"Don't worry, I'll lay on your bed and be nice and quiet." Jim stood, laying down on the queen sized bed, full of pillows and blankets, closing his eyes. Once Spock's breathing had become slower, indicating that he was in a meditative trance, Jim allowed himself to drift of into sleep as well.

* * *

The next day was tense. Margaret was still upset at John, and Jim felt like Spock was avoiding his father as well. But over the day, it all seemed to calm down, and they busied themselves with decorating the rest of the house. Even Spock helped. Tomorrow was the 25th. Christmas morning.

Jim had thought about what to get Spock a lot while he was still on campus. He couldn't come up with anything for a long time. Finally, he had found something. It had caught his eye as he was walking the streets, trying to find a gift for Spock. It was perfect. At least, Jim hoped so.

They spent the day in front of the fire, reminiscing. John and Margaret loved telling Spock how Jim had grown after Spock left, in how much trouble he got, and Jim couldn't help but laugh through most of the stories.

Then, Margaret asked Spock to share some memories of his. So the Vulcan started telling them how his school years had been on Vulcan, and just how different things were on earth. He told them about his mother, and about the planet he had lived on for most of his life. How he had turned down the Vulcan Council, and decided to be a teacher on earth instead.

Jim grinned, reaching up to trail fingertips over the back of Spock's hand. "And I'm glad you did."

Spock didn't answer, but he didn't have to. The look he gave Jim was more then enough to make Jim understand. Spock was glad he had made that decision as well.

* * *

When Christmas morning came, Jim had set his alarm clock extra early. After that first night, he had went back to sleep in his own room. Not because he wanted to, or because his father told him to. But because he knew Spock would be more comfortable that way.

This morning however, he quickly stood, not bothering to get dressed, quietly rushing to Spock's room, his pajama pants hanging loosely around his hips. He didn't knock, simply opening the door.

"Spock?" He asked into the darkness.

"I am awake, T'hy'la." came the quiet response.

"Then get over here, come on!" Jim grinned, waiting for the room to light up, holding his hand out to Spock. "It's present time."

Spock nodded, taking Jim's hand, letting himself be pulled to the living room. "I assume your parents are still sleeping?"

"Yeah. I want to give you your gift before they wake up." Jim smiled, pulling Spock to sit on the floor in front of the tree, quickly grabbing a small gift that was laying under it. "Merry Christmas, Spock."

Spock accepted the gift, looking down at it, before unwrapping it. Elegant fingers moved over the paper carefully, not ripping, but simply unfolding it, gathering the small brown box it had kept inside.

"Open it!" Jim was grinning impatiently. "You're taking forever."

"Rushing me will not get you anywhere, Jim." Spock said, staring at the little box he was holding. Finally, he opened it. A beautiful, golden pocket watch was embedded in cotton. Spock stared at it for a while. The clock-hand's were thin, black, elegant. Spock looked up to Jim.

"I found it in a cute little antique store. I know you like old things. And.. I thought you would like this." He smiled. "Do you?"

"I enjoy it greatly, Jim." He said, leaning over to press a gentle kiss to his partner's lips. "Thank You."

Jim smiled happily. "I'm glad you like it."

"I have a gift for you too, T'hy'la." Spock said, carefully placing Jim's gift onto the couch, leaning over to collect another gift from the tree, handing it to his T'hy'la.

Unlike Spock, Jim couldn't hold himself back. He ripped off the paper, revealing a small pendant. It was square, a small stone embedded in the material that looked slightly like silver. Jim looked up at Spock, slightly confused.

"My mother gave this to me before I came to earth. She told me to give it to someone, in her words, special. She was convinced that I would meet my T'hy'la here. It was given to her by her mother, and to her mother by her grandmother. And so on." Spock didn't look at Jim, but he held his hand. "I want to give it to you."

Jim stared in disbelief. He had no words. There were no words to express how he felt. All he could do is fling himself at Spock, wrapping arms around his neck tightly, burying his face into the strong shoulder.

"Thank you." he whispered quietly. "Its beautiful."

Spock nodded, wrapping an arm around his T'hy'la. "I am pleased that you like your gift." Jim nodded, his face still hidden away at Spock's shoulder. Gently, the Vulcan pulled back, pressing a kiss to Jim's lips.

"I love you, Spock." He said quietly, looking up at his Vulcan. He got no verbal answer, but he didn't need one. He knew that Spock loved him just as much as he loved him.

* * *

And that was chapter 11. Since it took me so long to update, I made this one a little longer. I hope you enjoyed it.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	12. Jealousy

Before I start chapter 12. I want to thank very single one of you that has come so far in this story. I am thankful for every favorite, follow, and review I get.

Every day that I see that my fanfiction has made someone's day, my day is made as well.

I am absolutely baffled at just how many people are reading my story, and once again I can't say anything else but this: **Thank **_**you**_. All of you that make me believe in myself, that make me want to go on with this story, and give me inspiration when I need it most. Without every single one of you, I wouldn't have been able to get this far.

Now, here comes chapter 12. Please enjoy.

* * *

The rest of the Christmas vacation had been quiet. John had never mentioned anything that made Spock uncomfortable, and Margaret, who had already treated Spock like her own son, was now swooning with happiness. Her son had found a partner, and a good one at that.

They took long walks through the snow, Jim making sure that his Vulcan was packed up in thick clothes so he would freeze while they made their way, finally ending at the stream Jim had taken Spock to so long ago.

The days went by too quickly for Jim, all together. He enjoyed the time with his family, but before he knew it, it was time to go back to campus. Jim hated that he had to go. Spending time with Spock in an environment where they didn't have to worry about being caught. Where he could hold Spock's hand. Where the Vulcan was somewhat relaxed. Well as relaxed as a Vulcan could be.

Jim was just packing his things together when his door opened. John pushed himself through the door, closing it quietly behind himself.

"Hey dad. What can I do for you?" Jim asked, turning to face his father, halting his actions of packing.

"Nothing, Son, nothing." John said, sitting down next to Jim's backpack, holding the freshly wash clothes, thanks to Margret. "I just want to make sure you know what you're doing."

"Oh come on dad, again?" Jim sighed, packing the last few shirts back into his back pack before zipping it up.

"Look Jim. If you really love him, if he's really what you want, then I'm fine with it. I'll lead you down that aisle, and I will hand you over to him. And I will be crying my eyes out when my little James gets married, just like your mom." John sighed, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head. "Jim. You're young, and lets face it, you're stubborn and you love a challenge. So if this.. this entire thing. If this is not serious, you should let it go. I can see the charm of a Vulcan and all that but.. When I see how he watches you. Jim, its like he would kill for you. And that worries me a little. I'm sure you can understand that, right?"

"So you're saying that, because he is ready to do anything, and I mean _anything_, to protect me, you thinks its a bad idea?" Without even noticing it, he quirked his brow just as the Vulcan would have at such a ridiculous notion. "That's how Vulcan's are, dad. They protect their loved ones with their life. And if keeping me safe means he has to take someone down, he will. I would do the same for him. No question."

"Jim. I'm just saying that I don't think its just love. I thinks its obsession. At least on his part. And I'm afraid it might turn to obsession with you too." John sighed, rubbing his face. "Just be careful, son. That's all I'm asking."

"Dad, I promise, I am being careful about this. Really careful. And so is he. But we've gotten so far I couldn't just.. drop it. I can't dad. I never thought I'd find someone that.. literally makes my world turn around. But I did. And its him."

John stood, once more shaking his head at his son. "That's exactly what I was afraid of, Jim. That if he goes, your world might stop turning."

"He won't leave. I know it." Jim said, his voice firm. "And I will never leave him. He's not a challenge. He's not a fling. He's my T'hy'la."

"Okay, Jim. Okay." John said, walking to the door. "Your mother is packing you some food, doesn't know what to pack for Spock."

"He won't need anything. Tell her to put a bottle of water in for him, that's all." Jim said, turning to his backpack, not wanting to look at his father. Why did he doubt him so much? Jim sighed. Somehow he could understand his fathers worries. If he had been in his shoes, maybe he would have done the same thing. Maybe not. The door closed, and Jim took another moment to look around his old room.

Finally, he shouldered the backpack, walking down the stairs. His mother, father, and Spock were already standing in the living room. His T'hy'la looked up at him, ready to go, his face as blank as always. Jim came to stand next to him.

"Okay boys. You take care, and come visit us soon okay?" Margaret said, wiping away a stray tear on her cheek. "And you two stick together."

"Of course, mom. I'll call you once we get back to let you know we got to campus safe." Jim said, hugging first his father, and then his mother.

"Okay Jim. Spock, it was a pleasure having you here." Margaret said, and to Jim's surprise rushed forward and pulled Spock into a hug. The Vulcan blinked, before awkwardly patting her back, returning the gesture stiffly. "You take care of my baby boy, okay?" Margaret whispered.

Spock nodded shortly, pulling back from the embrace, nodding to John. Jim waved once last time before he and the Vulcan left his childhood home.

* * *

Campus was crawling with students returning from their vacation. Jim and Spock had given each other one look. Back to normal. To the sneaking around, the late night visits. No words were said as they exchanged that one last intimate look before parting ways. There wasn't anything to say.

Jim returned to his room, finding Bones sprawled out on his bed, face down, the spot next to the hamper once more piled with dirty clothes.

"Bones, when will you ever start learning to aim right?" Jim laughed, setting down his back pack on his bed, putting away his clean clothes into his wardrobe.

"When I start giving a fuck." Bones grumbled, turning to lay on his back, watching Jim move around the room. "Not everyone has a mother that does the laundry for them."

"Ah, you're just jealous." Jim grinned, sitting down on his bed. "How's the daughter?"

"Stubborn. And smart." Bones answered, propping himself up on his elbows. "I tell ya Jim, that kid has a mouth on her."

"Well, don't know where she got that from." Jim chuckled, rubbing his face. "Real mystery right there, Bones."

"How's the boyfriend?" The doctor asked. "How'd he take the human festivities?"

"Well, fine, actually. But my parents forced me into telling them the truth about us and.. my dad might have gone all 'He's my son, better treat him right' on Spock. I tell you, I've never been so uncomfortable in my entire life."

Bones burst into laughter, quickly fending off the pillow that was thrown at him. "Yeah, I can just imagine that green blooded hobgoblin's face at that."

Jim groaned. "You know what, lets not talk about that anymore. I'm going to try to erase that from my memory, and never speak of it again."

"If you say so, kid. Classes start again tomorrow. You ready?"

"As ready as I can be." Jim replied. "As ready as I can be."

* * *

"I hate this." Jim burst out. The Vulcan sitting next to him quirked a brow at him.

"I assume you are referring being confined to my quarters?" Spock said, laying away the papers he had in his hands.

"Yeah. I mean.. ever since we went to my parents I feel so.. trapped." Jim sighed, looking up at Spock. "Its like. I miss just being able to hold your hand, no matter where we go. I seriously hate this sneaking around."

"We have no other choice, Jim." Spock replied quietly. "It is vital that we keep our relationship a secret, so we do not jeopardize either of our career's."

"I know. But still. Don't you miss it too?" Jim asked, moving in closer to the Vulcan, leaning his head against Spock's strong shoulder. "Just being able to be ourselves?"

"..It was indeed a more relaxed way to go about things." Spock finally said, slowly reaching out for Jim's hand, holding it in his own, rubbing the back of his T'hy'la's hand with his thumb.

"Yeah. It was a lot nicer then this." Jim sighed, closing his eyes as he held onto Spock's hand. "Sometimes I think I should just go do something else. Just so I can finally tell the world that you're mine. Just quit Star Fleet, and find some other job."

"That would be a mistake." Spock said, looking down at Jim. "You will achieve greatness within Star Fleet, T'hy'la. It would be a waste if you left."

"You keep saying that, Spock. But I feel like we're wasting time together. This isn't how it should be. We should be able to.. just be together. I know we'd never be like a human couple. We wouldn't kiss in public or hold hands or anything but.. people would know." Jim shrugged lightly, looking up at his Vulcan.

"It seems to be of great importance to you to inform others. I do not understand why." Spock said, reaching out his other hand to gently touch the human's cheek.

"Because Spock. I want everyone to know that you're mine. You might not know it, or chose to ignore it, but you are the most wanted 'bachelor' on campus. There are tons of girls, and more then enough men that would bend over backwards to get your attention. I can hear them talking about it and I want to hit them in the face and tell them to back off." Jim sighed, placing his own free hand on Spock's chest.

"You are sought after as well, T'hy'la." Spock said quietly. "I notice the way you are looked at. And I too find it displeasing that I cannot officially lay claim on you. But for now, it is the way it is."

"Yeah. I just wish I didn't feel so possessive over you. I mean. I don't even know how to describe it to you, Spock. I can't even stand someone else looking at you for too long. I've never felt that way before. I don't know what to do with myself." Jim sighed, casting his gaze down to the floor. "Its just hard on me. I'm sorry for complaining."

"Jim. T'hy'la. It is not easy for me either. But I can assure you that I belong to you, and no one else." Spock said, placing his index and middle finger under his love's chin, gently forcing him to look up. "You mustn't worry. I will always be yours T'hy'la."

Jim nodded, trying to give his Vulcan a smile, but failing miserably. His thoughts were still confusing, and even the sweet words uttered by the love of his life did little to sooth him. He couldn't help but worry. It was stupid, and utterly human, but he was so insecure. Here he was, with this beautiful, brilliant and amazing man, that could have chosen anyone. What if he _did_ find someone else?

Spock quirked a brow at his T'hy'la, sighing quietly before leaning down, capturing the humans lips in a tentative kiss. He still lacked practice. He still didn't know what exactly to do. The times they had kissed this way could be counted on one hand. But Jim needed this. He could feel the humans pain as if it where his own as soon as he touched his bare skin.

Jim's eyes first flew open with surprise, before fluttering shut. He kissed back, ever so softly. Spock's lips where hot, burning against his own, and that made the kiss all the more sweeter. Jim gently took control of the kiss, one hand still resting in Spock's, the other falling and rising with the Vulcan's breaths. He parted his lips with a hot gush of breath, letting his tongue flick against those of his T'hy'la, asking permission to invade the other's mouth.

After a second, those burning hot lips parted as well, granting the human access to his even hotter mouth. Jim wasted no time, slipping his tongue into Spock's mouth, letting it travel over the roof of his mouth, along his teeth, finally seeking out the other tongue. Spock was passive, almost shy, accepting the human's lead. Their tongues moved against each other, slowly, teasingly. Jim couldn't hold back a moan.

His body was heating up, and he swore that he could feel Spock's heartbeat quicken, his breathing grow faster under his hand. It was moments like these that he could feel and trust in Spock's love. The way he affected the Vulcan fascinated him each time. Jim couldn't stand it any longer. He needed more contact, needed to feel the Vulcan's body closer to his own. He shifted, sliding onto Spock's lap, slowly. They had never been this close, this intimate. He could feel Spock's body grow rigid under his own, but Jim soothingly rubbed the Vulcan's chest.

Strong hands placed themselves on his hips, pressing almost hard enough to bruise, but Jim didn't feel any pain. All he felt was the heat radiating off Spock's hands, through his pants and right to his skin. He had a hard time concentrating on the kiss with those delicate hands so close to his groin. But he couldn't just let it stop now. He knew once the kiss was over, so would the rest of this be. Spock was letting him take the lead, for once. He needed to make the most of it.

Jim leaned into Spock's body more, deepening the kiss as much as he could, his hands still placed on the Vulcan's chest. He let them travel down, to the hem of the Vulcan's shirt, pushing it up just a few inches, letting his thumb stroke over the soft skin of his toned stomach. The sound Spock made, the sharp intake of breath, was enough to pull another moan from him. He wasn't the only one that was getting aroused. He wasn't alone with this feeling of longing and pleasure. Spock, his T'hy'la, felt it too.

Jim couldn't resist, he pushed his hands under his Vulcan's shirt, letting his hands glide up the heated skin. He could feel Spock's heart pounding against his abdomen, feel the muscles moving as the Vulcan sat up more, wrapping his arms around Jim's waist. He held him almost too strongly, crushing Jim against his chest, making it impossible for him to move his hands, and yet Jim had never felt so protected, so good, so _loved_ in his entire life.

Spock finally seemed to trust his skills enough to push Jim's tongue back into his mouth, forcing the intruder back, letting his own tongue explore the oral cavity of his beloved. It sent shock's through Jim's entire body. He was pretty sure if someone asked him now, he wouldn't be able to remember his own name. Spock kissing him somehow turned his brain off. He couldn't think. All he could do was feel.

Feel those hot hands roaming over his back, but still holding him in place. The superior strength of the Vulcan. Those firm, unyielding lips. The blazing heat of the body below. It could have gone on forever. It should have gone on forever. But just when Jim was about to let his hands explore deeper places, Spock pulled back. Jim made a sound of protest, almost whining, as he reluctantly opened his eyes.

Spock wasn't looking at him,but Jim could see that his lips were still slightly parted, a green shimmer laying on them. His hands where still on Jim's back, and Jim's still on the Vulcan's chest. Slowly, the Vulcan grasped his human's hands, pulling them up to his mouth to press a soft kiss on every finger.

"You must go. My control is wearing thin." he muttered against Jim's fingertips, still avoiding the humans gaze.

"Really? Doesn't look like it." Jim whispered, his voice ragged.

"Please, T'hy'la. You must go." Spock said, finally meeting the humans eyes. Jim had never seen anything to beautiful and at the same time erotic. Those dark eyes were burning with emotion. Love, lust, and so many other things mirrored in them. Never had he wanted to kiss Spock more. And yet, he would have to leave.

"You promise me. You promise me I can kiss you like that again soon?" He asked. Spock nodded, once more looking away from his T'hy'la.

"I promise. Now please. Go." he answered, gently pushing Jim off his lap, standing up to walk into his bedroom. Jim was left behind. The human shook his head, bringing his fingertips up to his lips. He could still feel Spock's warmth lingering on them.

Minutes later, all that was left of Jim Kirk in this room was his scent.

* * *

Spock had waited until Jim had finally left before he let himself fall to the floor. Never had resisting something been so hard. Never had he wished to let go and just _feel_ so badly. But they weren't ready. Not yet.

He could still smell Jim on his skin, on his clothes, and the scent alone made him want to chase after the human, drag him into his bed and claim him, again and again, leave marks on him so the entire world could see that Jim was _his._

Spock had never known what it meant to be jealous. Once he had met Jim again, seen to what a handsome man he had grown into, and just how many wanted him, that had changed. He hadn't admitted it to Jim, not really. And he never would. Jealousy was something so human he was almost ashamed of feeling it.

Standing, Spock took one last breath to steady himself. He had stayed in control. He had resisted. He was pleased and displeased with that fact at the same time. He needed to get rid of Jim's scent. He walked into the bathroom, stripping down, immediately throwing his clothing into the hamper in his bathroom. Standing under the shower, he turned on the water, and what would have burnt a humans skin was just the right temperature to him.

He could feel the water drip down his body, run down his back, his stomach, his legs.

He washed away Jim's scent from his body, wishing that he could have enough control to resist his urges, to be able to be surrounded by his scent, and not act on his desires. But there was only so much even a Vulcan could take.

Hours seemed to pass, hours spent staring at the wall, scrubbing at himself vigorously, and then just staring at the wall some more. When Spock finally got out of the shower, drying himself off, and putting on new clothes, the sun was already rising. It was another day. Another day not beginning with his T'hy'la.

* * *

Jim had made his way back to his rooms still dazed. He could still feel Spock's hands on his body, still feels his lips on his own. It was like he was dreaming. He let himself fall onto his bed, not caring that Bones mumbled something about being a little quieter. Right now, the world could crash and burn around him and he wouldn't care.

The next morning came too soon, and not soon enough. Jim was tired, but he couldn't wait to see his T'hy'la, even if it was only in class. He had to wait until the end of the day for Spock's class, and he thought about staying in bed and skipping a few of them in favor of sleeping. But he knew that somehow, the Vulcan would find out about that, no doubt. He would have that talk with him again, and Jim wanted to do entirely different things then fight with his T'hy'la.

So he got showered, ignoring Bones comment about him coming home later the usually, getting dressed, and headed out to class. But before he even got there, he was stopped by a familiar voice.

"Kirk!" A female called, and Jim stopped, turning around to make out whoever had called him. And there she was, the female that had stood in Spock's room half a year ago. She still looked as good as she had back then. Thin, long, shining hair. Once again he thought that if he hadn't lost his heart to Spock, he would have lost it to her.

"You seem to be at an advantage. You know my name, and I don't know yours." Jim said, waiting for her to catch up with him before starting to walk again.

"I'm Uhura." she said quietly. "I take it you remember me?"

"Yeah. I do." Jim answered, casting her a quick look. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, I just wanted to say sorry for causing a fight between you and uh.. your friend." she said, fiddling with a strand of her hair. "I didn't mean to, and I assure you it wasn't what it looked like. I wasn't hitting on him or anything."

"Well, that's good." was all Jim could say. This was awkward. What did she want from him? Sure he had been jealous of her back then, and maybe even a little now, but she had never set foot into Spock's apartment again. He didn't worry about it anymore.

"Really. I was just asking him for advice." she went on, still walking beside him. "I uh..Well I was having some trouble with my now ex-boyfriend and I just didn't know who to go to. He's pretty much the only friend I have here. And I thought that after I clear this up, maybe you and me could be friends too?"

Jim stopped dead in his tracks. "You want to be friends with me?"

"Well. Yeah. If.. our friend is so interested in you, you have to be a good guy. So I figured no harm, right?"

Jim took a second to consider this, but then just shrugged. No harm in being friends with a pretty girl, right? Also, it would be nice not to have only one grumpy doctor to turn to when he needed some human company.

"Okay sure. We can be friends." he grinned, offering her his hand. "Call me Jim."

"Nyota." she replied, taking his hand, shaking it. "Care to join me for a drink in the city tonight?"

"Well, can't say no to a pretty lady like you." he said, winking. They both knew he was in a serious relationship. A little flirting would be fine, Jim told himself. It was just for fun, no harm in that. Spock would probably want to meditate tonight anyway.

"Okay. I'll meet you at the campus exit at 8 p.m.?" She asked. "I have to go to the lab now."

"I'll be there. And I'll bring a friend too, if that's okay. He's a doctor, he needs to get away from the blood and all that ever once in a while."

"That's fine. See you tonight Jim!" She beamed, turning and walking away. And Jim being Jim, he couldn't resist getting a quick glance at her backside.

* * *

Jim managed to catch Spock alone after his class. He waited a few minutes just to make sure the other cadets were really gone before making his way down to his T'hy'la.

"Yes?" Spock asked quietly.

"Hey. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to go out with Bones and Uhura tonight, so I probably won't make it to your place. She asked me this morning, and I figured you'd need to meditate after yesterday." Jim said, leaning against the Vulcan's desk.

"I was not aware that you and Cadet Uhura were close." Spock answered, looking up from the papers he had been pushing into a folder.

"Well, we aren't. But you know. She came and apologized to me this morning for causing that fight back then, and to explain why she was in your rooms and then asked me if we could maybe be friends. I didn't see a reason why we shouldn't be. She seems nice enough." Jim shrugged, looking at his T'hy'la. "Do you mind me being her friend?"

"No, Jim, I do not. I was simply not aware that she had befriended you." Spock shook his head lightly, going back to sorting the papers on his desk. "As long as you are not late to my class tomorrow, I have no objections to you going out to a social meeting."

"You can come too, if you want." Jim said, tilting his head to the side. "But I don't know if you'll like it. I mean you didn't really enjoy yourself on my birthday, either."

"I would prefer to stay behind." Spock said, and Jim nodded.

"I thought so. I'll see you tomorrow though, okay?" He smiled, brushing fingertips over Spock's hand, leaving before the Vulcan could scold him for his behavior, a boyish smile plastered to his face.

* * *

Jim had been right. Spock would not have enjoyed himself. Nyota had taken them to a club. The music was blasting into the room through giant speakers. It was hot, and he could feel the sweat forming on his body. The dance floor was full, and so was the bar. It had been years since Jim had come to such a place.

He generally preferred a pub over a club, but he was here now, and he would enjoy himself. Wasting no time, he pulled both Bones and Nyota onto the dance floor. Bones protested, tried to get away, but neither Jim nor Nyota would let him leave. And while Bones stood there, waiting for them to finally tire of dancing, Jim and Nyota had a good time. It wasn't until the doctor threatened to leave that they returned to the bar to get some drinks. As a peace offering, Jim bought Bones a glass of whiskey.

They tried to talk, but the music was simply too loud to understand a single word. After a while of drinking, Nyota grabbed Jim's hand, pulling him after her to the dance floor, wrapping one arm around his neck, holding her drink in the other, dancing to a song she apparently enjoyed. Jim didn't mind. It was his night out, and he was going to drink and dance until he felt he was going to pass out.

* * *

"Jim, get your ass out of bed." Bones roared. Jim blinked and felt like his head was going to explode. Without another warning, he felt the sharp sting of a hypo in his neck. "Skip the shower, brush your teeth, put on new clothes and go, or that Vulcan will throw you out of his class."

"What time is it?" Jim muttered, rubbing at his neck. He would have complained if he hadn't been thankful for the hypo.

"You have 10 minutes to get to his class." The doctor replied.

"What?!" Jim jumped out of bed, ignoring his pounding head. Even a hypo needed a few minutes to work. "Why didn't you wake me sooner?!"

"I just got up myself, you idiot. Now get going!" Bones spat, struggling into his own clothes. "I'm late to my shift. I don't have time to look after you as well! Get going!"

Jim was already naked, frantically looking through his wardrobe, throwing on the next best clean clothes he found, brushing his teeth in the process. Grabbing his bag he kept his school things in, he was out of the door 2 minutes later.

He slipped into the classroom only seconds before Spock did. The Vulcan stopped right next to him, his eyes drilling into Jim's. Jim gave him an apologetic smile. His clothes and hair were probably in a state of disarray. Spock just stared at him for another second before walking to the front of the class, beginning his lecture. Jim exhaled. He had made it after all. No reason to worry.

It wasn't until Spock called him to his desk once the class was over that Jim felt uneasy.

"Cadet Kirk. A word." Jim turned back from the door, slowly walking towards Spock. He could hear hushed murmurs. It wasn't normal for Spock to keep someone behind after class, and some tried to stay behind, and find out if Jim Kirk was in trouble. The Vulcan's icy gaze, however, made them quickly scatter out of the room.

"Yes, Professor?" Jim asked innocently, Spock gave him a look that made his blood freeze.

"I trust you enjoyed your night out?" Spock almost spat. Jim blinked. What was wrong with his T'hy'la? Never before had he looked at him like that, spoken to him in such a way.

"Yeah... T'hy'la, whats wrong?" he asked, reaching out for Spock's hand, but being denied the touch as the Vulcan took a step back.

"You reek of her." He snarled, those normally cold eyes once more blazing, but this time not with lust. Jim took a step back.

"What? What do you mean?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows. "I reek of her?"

"Her scent is glued to your body." Spock said. Jim noticed that the Vulcan was struggling for control, his hands curled to fists at his sides. "Exactly how close did you and Cadet Uhura get last night?"

"Hold on, Spock." Realization dawned on Jim's face. "You think I cheated on you with _Uhura_?"

"You did not answer the question. I demand an answer." Spock's voice was barely above a whisper. Never had Jim seen him this angry, and his own anger boiled up.

"Spock, you are being ridiculous. What you're implying is stupid, and you should really know better." Jim said. "I don't have time to put up with this bullshit. I have to go to class."

He turned, but before he had even made one step, he could feel a grip a hot, strong grip on his wrist, holding him back. Spock was holding on to him, not hard enough to break bone, but sure as hell hard enough to leave behind some nasty bruises.

"Her scent is plastered all over your body. I can smell her sweat on you. You have held her close, last night. How close." Spock didn't let go, no matter how hard Jim tried to free himself.

"Let go!" Jim snarled, tugging harder, trying to pry the hand off his wrist, but to no avail.

"Answer me." Spock demanded.

"Let the fuck go!" Jim hollered, trying once more to pull himself free. "We were in a club! We danced next to each other, fuck, I probably smell like tons of people and a barrel of alcohol! Now let me the fuck go."

Jim finally gave up, staring into the Vulcan's eyes. "Let go Spock, or I swear to god I will punch you. I didn't do _anything_ with her. Why don't you go ask her?! Or Bones who took me home?! Fuck Spock, you're hurting me!"

Spock kept staring, not saying a single word for minutes before he finally let go of Jim's wrist. Jim sighed with relief, quickly pulling back his arm, rubbing his aching wrist, looking at it, just to make sure no serious damage was done. When he looked back up, he found that Spock was still staring at him. But the look in his eyes wasn't a look of anger anymore. It was a look of devastation.

"Jim... T'hy'la.." he said quietly, reaching out for the human, but Jim quickly moved back, away from the Vulcan.

"No, fuck you. Don't call me that!" He spat, tears rising into the brilliant eyes. "You're not my T'hy'la if this is what it means to you. Accusing me of cheating, and then almost breaking my fucking wrist before even _asking_ me what happened. Leave me the fuck alone until you come back to your fucking senses."

Jim bolted out of the room, leaving behind everything he had taken, almost tripping on his way out. He could hear Spock call after him, but he didn't care. His wrist was hurting so much. But so was his heart.

* * *

Spock was left behind staring at his own hands. How had he been able to hurt his T'hy'la? How had he been able to do him such harm? Spock felt like he couldn't breath. He dismissed the next class he had, gathering up Jim's things, canceling the other classes of the day, hauling himself up in his room.

Meditate. He had to meditate.

* * *

Jim had head right to the clinic, and sat down in the emergency room. He asked the Nurse specifically for Dr. McCoy, and even though she told him that he would have to wait for a while if he insisted on Bones, he took it.

It wasn't until an hour later that Bones finally came to pick Jim up, and take him to an examination room.

"The fuck happened?" He asked as he examined Jim's wrists. Bruises were already blossoming on his skin, a deep purple. Just moving it hurt. Jim didn't answer the question.

"It's not broken but... damn. This is bruised seven ways to hell. Its going to hurt for days, and take at least 2 weeks to heal." The doctor mumbled as he started treating him. "What did you say happened again?"

" I didn't say." Jim whispered. He was too afraid his voice would break if he tried to speak any louder. Bones stopped, looking up at his friend.

"Jim.. What happened?"

A sob broke loose from the humans throat. "Bones he.. he was crazy I just.. I've never seen him like that." Jim shook his head, stubbornly wiping away the tears forcing themselves over his cheeks. "...I just.. He didn't do it on purpose Bones. He didn't, and I know that. I just.." Jim shook his head.

"Jim, no offense kid, but.. look at this." Bones said. "This.. this is abuse."

"Spock would never abuse me." Jim said forcefully. "He lost control. And he has to do some serious apologizing for this. But.. I think.. I would have done the same."

"What do you mean?" Bones asked quietly.

"If I had smelled some cheap perfume on him.. or the smell of some other girl..." Jim swallowed. "Bones. I love him so much it hurts. So much it scares me."

Bones shook his head, sitting down to his best friend. "Are you sure that this is the right thing, Jim?"

Jim paused for just a second. "Yes. It is, Bones. I know this looks bad. And.. I know that this must look like abuse to you,and honesty, I thought it was too for a few seconds but. no. Its not. He lost control. And he'll hate himself for it more then I will. I know it. I.. I'm not saying what he did was okay but. If you knew him the way I do, Bones." Jim shook his head. "This must sound awfully cliche, doesn't it?"

"It does." Bones said, huffing quietly. "I don't know, Jim. I just want you safe and happy. So promise me that if this ever happens again, you leave him. You leave him right away, okay?"

"I will." Jim stood, taking a deep breath. "Thanks for looking at my wrist, Bones."

"Sure thing. You be careful."

* * *

Doctor McCoy was a patient man. He had watched the whole thing with Spock and Jim from afar. He had kept most of his comments to himself. But after Jim left, he couldn't stop himself anymore.

Once he was sure Jim was gone, he informed Nurse Chapel that he was taking his lunch break early today, and left. He found out from a by passing student that Spock had canceled his classes for the day. The student seemed happy about it. Spock's reputation about being a real pain in the ass as a teacher had to be true.

And that also made his quest a lot easier. The Vulcan would no doubt be in his rooms. So Bones turned on his heel, walking quickly to Spock's apartment. He knocked, hard.

Spock opened the door, and before he could say one word, the doctor's fist connected with his jaw. Bones could feel the skin on his knuckles burst open, but that didn't stop him from taking another swing at the Vulcan. He wasn't surprised that Spock didn't fight back. They both knew he deserved it. Bones gave one more punch, putting as much strength into as he had before wordlessly turning and leaving.

His message had been clear.

* * *

Jim waited for sunset to go to Spock's rooms. The events of the day had been hard on him. But he knew they had have to been even harder on Spock. The Vulcan had lost control and hurt his T'hy'la because of it. Jim could only imagine what kind of pain Spock had to be in.

Why hadn't he stayed? Why hadn't he just explained to Spock what had happened? Why he smelled like Uhura? And Jim had realized the reason quickly. He had wanted to make Spock jealous. Wanted to see what it looked like when Spock was as jealous as he was. How the Vulcan would like feeling the same thing he did whenever someone's eyes lingered on his Vulcan for too long.

He had been stupid, and childish, and he had abused Spock just as much as he had hurt him, just in another way. None of their actions where defensible. But they had both been out of line.

Jim knocked on Spock's door. It took minutes before the Vulcan opened. His eyes widened as he saw Jim.

"Can I come in?" Jim asked quietly.

"I do not believe that to be wise." Spock said quietly.

"Please, Spock. Just a few minutes. I have some things to say." Jim said, hopeful eyes looking into the Vulcan's. Finally, he moved to the side, letting Jim in. The human walked into the living room, not sitting down. Spock followed him, but kept his distance.

"What happened today." Jim started. Spock wanted to speak, but Jim quickly cut him off. "No, please, let me talk first. What happened today, shouldn't have. You hurt me and that was wrong of you. But it wasn't totally your fault." Jim inhaled deeply before going on. "When I realized.. you were jealous. Its like my brain turned off. I wanted to make you feel jealous. I wanted you to feel what I feel every day, all day long, when I'm not around you. I push it away, but I still feel it. And I wanted you to feel that way too, I wanted you to feel bad. And that was just as bad. So... I'm not angry. And I promise not to do it again. I'm sorry."

Spock stared at him for a while. "You wanted to cause me pain, in an attempt to make me understand you. You did not expect me to lose control. But I did. And for that, I can not apologize enough. I have told you before I am dangerous, Jim. And my worst fear has come true today. I have hurt you because I couldn't control my emotions. And I am sorry for that."

"And I just made it worse." Jim said, taking a step toward Spock. "If I hadn't baited you.. it wouldn't have happened." he slowly reached his hand out for his T'hy'la. "I'm sorry for saying you aren't my T'hy'la. You are. I knew from the beginning that you would be possessive. And you know what? So am I. So please. We both said sorry. Can't we forget it?"

Spock looked at Jim's arm for a very long time. The humans arm was growing tired, but he held it out to the Vulcan despite that. Finally, Spock took his hand. He held it so carefully, Jim was sure that his Vulcan was scared to hurt him again. He gently squeezed Spock's hand, trying to tell him it was okay, but knowing Spock would need time.

"I will never be able to forgive myself." The Vulcan said.

"You will." Jim said gently, reaching out to let his fingers trail over Spock's jaw. When the Vulcan flinched, he gave him a confused look, before taking a better look at his jaw. The skin was greener then it should have been. Jim felt his anger burn back to life.

"Who did this?" He asked quietly. Spock didn't answer. "Who?!" Jim demanded. Spock still didn't answer.

"It was Bones, wasn't it?" Jim spat,turning on his heels, wanting to bolt out the door, but Spock quickly caught him, wrapping arms around his waist, pulling the humans back to his chest.

"He wanted to protect you." Spock said quietly, holding a struggling Jim. "He was being your friend."

"I don't need him to protect me, especially if that means he'll hurt you!" Jim said, but eventually calmed in Spock's arms

"..Its really hard sometimes." the human said.

"Yes, Jim. It is. It is not easy for you, and it is not easy for me." Spock answered. "Do you think you can stand being with me, despite everything?"

Jim didn't have to think about it. He turned in Spock's arms, looking him straight in the eye, leaning up just to press a kiss to the Vulcan's lips.

"And if I had to battle every single living being in the Universe to be with you. I would still do it. Bond with me Spock. Bond with me, right here, and right now."

* * *

And that was chapter 12. Now, I will say here that I do not think physical violence in a relationship should be tolerated. It is wrong, and horrible, and no one should ever have to suffer from that in real life. However, this is a fanfiction, and Spock is a Vulcan. If anyone was offended by this, I apologize.

This chapter was written for my best friend, Sinny. I love you. Thank you for all the support. I hope you enjoyed this.

And of course, I hope everyone else enjoyed it too!

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	13. Shame

Again, I want to thank everyone that has stuck with my story so long. Many of you have told me that they enjoy this story especially because it is emotional, and I am glad that you think that way. Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my story.

This chapter is dedicated to my boyfriend, Simon, who has been patient with me all this time, giving me room to write, and has been very understanding. I

I hope you enjoy Chapter 13.

* * *

_"And if I had to battle every single living being in the Universe to be with you. I would still do it. Bond with me Spock. Bond with me, right here, and right now." _

Jim looked up at the Vulcan, pressing his hands firmly against his chest. "Please, T'hy'la." He whispered. "I can't take it anymore. You are mine, and at the same time aren't. I can't keep going with this jealousy. Its driving me crazy. Please. Just bond us. Let this all be over. Make it easier, for both of us. Please."

It would have been so easy. Spock looked down into those brilliant blue eyes. He could bond them, and they would both feel better. He could give in to Jim's begging, and claim this beautiful being for all times.

He wanted to. He wanted to so badly that it was painful. Physically painful. He reached up, placing his hand against Jim's cheek, pulling a content sigh from his T'hy'la. All he had to do was touch those meld points, dwell deeply into Jim's mind and they would be together for the rest of their life. He looked into those eyes, filled with fear, anger, desperation. Not the emotions he wanted. This was not why he wanted Jim to feel the need to meld with him.

"Jim..." he said, carefully stroking the humans cheek. He seemed so fragile. So afraid. Spock wanted to give in to his request, to sooth his pain and fear. But he couldn't. He would be using Jim's emotional state for his own good. And against Jim. "It is not the time."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked, his fingers curling into the fabric of Spock's shirt. "Please, Spock. I need this. We both do. When could there be a better time? Its the only thing left that stands between us!"

"When you want to bond with me out of love, and not out of fear." Spock answered, grasping Jim's face in his hands. "T'hy'la. I am yours. Nothing will ever change that. Bond or not. I am faithful to you. My mind, and my soul, are yours. I cannot offer you more at this time. And I can only hope that it is enough."

Jim blinked up at the Vulcan. Bonding out of love, not out of fear. Spock did have a point. He would never have asked for a bond if today hadn't been so .. there was no word for it. Jim nodded slowly, placing his hands over the much warmer ones on his face.

"You're right." he said quietly. "I'm sorry for asking." He rested his forehead against the Vulcan's strong chest, sighing. He didn't know what to do now. What to say. Was there anything that had to be said? Yes.

"I know your control is low Spock. I know what I'm going to ask from you know is going to make you go through hell. But. I wouldn't ask it if I didn't really need it." Jim pulled back, looking up at Spock.

"And what is it that you need so badly, T'hy'la?" Spock asked quietly, letting his hands fall to his sides.

"Let me sleep here tonight."

Spock sighed. His control wasn't running low. He was hanging on with every bit of strength he had. But when he looked at Jim, those pleading eyes staring into his, his shoulder slumped. He knew he would be able to do it. For Jim, he would be able to hang on to his control and fulfill his wish at the same time.

"You may sleep here tonight. But I cannot sleep next to you, Jim. You must understand this." Spock said quietly.

"I know. You don't even have to be in the bedroom with me. If its easier if you stay in the living room, that's fine. I just.. I need to be close to you. I need to know you are just a door away." Jim said.

"I will meditate next to you, Jim." Spock looked at the human. He had asked him often enough to sleep over, and he had always denied him. However, for some reason he knew that if he denied him once more, the Terran might never recover. Something was different.

"Jim. What is on your mind?" he finally asked. Jim avoided his gaze, shaking his head lightly.

"Not right now, Spock. All I want to do is lay in your bed, curl up in a blanket that hopefully smells like you, and sleep." Jim turned, walking to the bedroom, leaving Spock behind and with two choices. To either press the matter, or simply let Jim get sleep. The Vulcan contemplated on it for just a second before deciding that too much pressure would only upset Jim. It was not logical to keep pushing. And maybe, just maybe he wanted to give his T'hy'la a break.

He followed Jim into his bedroom, where the Human was standing in front of his bed, simply looking at it. As if he had felt Spock's eyes lingering on the back of his head, Jim spoke.

"Not the way I imagined ending up in your bed." He said, trying to make it sound like a joke. But there was no real amusement in his voice.

"Would you like to elaborate?" Spock asked quietly, keeping a safe distance between them. Jim's scent was intoxicating enough. Exposing himself to the human's charm any more would break the last hold he had on his control.

"Well, Spock. Normally, when lovers go into the bedroom together, it means they are going to have sex." Jim sighed, sitting on Spock's bed, facing the Vulcan as he let his fingertips run over the soft sheets. "I guess I always thought when you finally let me in here it would be because we had bonded and were going to do the deed, not because you pity me."

"I do not pity you, Jim. I am worried for you." Spock said, moving a little closer to his T'hy'la. "You are in need of comfort, a comfort I cannot provide."

"Its fine Spock. Just be here with me. And that's all the comfort I need." Jim said, slipping out of his shoes and clothes, for the first time in his life putting them together, placing them neatly onto the floor next to the bed. He was now only wearing his brief's, and when he saw Spock's slightly pained expression, he quickly slipped under the covers.

"Good night, Spock. I love you." Jim said quietly, turning to lay with his back to the Vulcan. No reply came for minutes until finally he could hear Spock's voice.

"Good night, T'hy'la."

* * *

Spock stared at the sleeping human in his life. Jim was fast asleep, his breathing even, quiet. He was a walking, talking, and now sleeping, seduction.

He sighed, settling down onto the floor, closing his eyes in an attempt to meditate. Hours slipped by, and Spock somehow managed to meditate, despite Jim's delicious scent distracting him. It was all going well until an angry knock at the door caught his attention.

The Vulcan could hear Jim grunt, mumbling quietly in his sleep, but not waking. Spock rose in one elegant, fluent motion. He closed the bedroom door behind him as quiet as possible before finally walking to his front door. There were only two humans that would have the courage to be pounding on his door in such a manner at this hour. The good doctor had come for another visit.

Quickly he opened the door, hoping the racket had not woken his T'hy'la. He looked down into the very angry face of Doctor McCoy.

"Where is he?! What did you do to him?!" The doctor sneered, trying to push Spock aside to once more intrude into the privacy of his rooms, but the Vulcan did not budge.

"He is asleep." He said quietly, quirking his brow at the human hands trying to push him away from the entrance. "It would be unwise to wake him at this hour, doctor, for he has classes today."

"Oh don't even start the bullshit, Vulcan. First his sobbing like a little girl in the clinic because you couldn't help yourself and just had to bruise his wrist to hell, and now he's supposed to be sleeping peacefully?!" Bones gave a vigorous push to the Vulcan's chest, but even when he used all his strength, he couldn't make the Vulcan move. "Let me the fuck in, or I will call the authorities."

"And charge me with what, Doctor McCoy?" Spock asked quietly.

"Well for once, abuse, and depending on what else you did to him, maybe abduction and rape will be added to the fucking list." Bones spat, looking up at the Vulcan. "I swear to god I will put everything I can think of on that list if you don't move your Vulcan ass away from that door."

"Your accusations will be false, Doctor. While I have made a mistake, I did not force Jim to stay here, nor did I force him into sexual intercourse. Everything we have done was not onl willingly done by him, but wished for."

"Yeah, right. Did you bond with him?! Huh? Did you wait for him to come to you, scared, and emotionally compromised as you call it, and then did him in? Tied him to yourself, so he could never leave?! Oh I get it, that whole T'hy'la shit is real romantic, and of course it would appeal to a lonely kid like him, but in the ends its only a fucked up Vulcan way to justify your crazy ass jealous and possessive behavior." Bones said, lowering his voice to barely above a whisper.

"It is none of your concern if we have bonded or not." Spock said firmly. He was starting to feel irritated with the doctor. He had no right to get involved with this. That he even knew about the bond was bad enough. Just like any other Vulcan, Spock preferred to keep these sorts of things to himself, and now, he had a human banging on his door because he knew, but didn't understand. Saw, but did not observe.

"Oh it is my fucking concern. You see, Jim is my best friend, but he's naive. He doesn't know what he's doing, and he's being manipulated into something that he doesn't even fully grasp just because he is so fucking wrapped around your little finger its painful to watch. Now, you might have known Jim as a kid, and I've only known him for almost a year, but I can tell you this: Jim Kirk is a hound, and I am afraid he is confusing intense lust with love, and I don't want him waking up one day, bonded to a green blooded alien with no heart, realizing that all of this was a big, fucking, mistake."

Spock waited patiently for the doctor to end his rant. The human was obviously frustrated and enraged. Trying to reason with him at this point of time was utterly useless. However, he had no desire to let McCoy in, to prove that Jim was asleep and well. Nothing would calm him down, and letting him in would result in a verbal fight that would wake Jim. And Jim needed his rest. Finally, when the doctor had finished, his words dying in the silence of the night, Spock opened his mouth to speak, but a voice behind him made him turn his head.

"Bones." Jim was standing there, only in his underwear, looking so defeated. An intense need to hold him, to chase the doctor away, and comfort his T'hy'la washed over Spock, filling every nerve, every cell in his body.

"Jim, are you alright?!" Bones asked, giving another forceful shove to Spock's chest, and this time, the Vulcan backed away, making just enough room for Bones to come in, closing the door behind him. He was not happy with the doctors presence, but if Jim, his T'hy'la, wanted to speak to him, he would not deny him.

"I'm fine Bones. I was sleeping when I heard you chewing out my T'hy'la." Jim moved towards Spock, standing next to him, taking the Vulcan's hand into his own. The Vulcan had to close his eyes, force himself to focus on anything but that cool, inviting body next to his. But he held Jim's hand, despite his inner struggles, and he did not back away.

"Do you see this?" Jim asked quietly. "He's going through hell and back right now. Struggling for control. But he's not moving away from me. He's not going to make it easier on himself and move away from me. He does it because he loves me, Bones."

"He's putting you in danger." Bones spat. "What if he loses control? Like before? What happens if he just can't take it anymore, and simply throws you onto that floor?"

"He won't." Jim answered. "If it were too much. He would send me away. If I was in any real danger from him, Bones, he wouldn't stay around me. Its hard for him, but he's doing it. For me. I wanted to bond with him tonight. I asked, no begged, him to do it." Jim paused. "He turned me down."

Bones didn't speak. It was like he hadn't expected that. It was as if those words didn't make any sense to him.

"He turned me down because it was the right thing to do. The right thing for me. He's been taking his time for me. At first, I didn't understand that either, Bones, I didn't. But now I do. For him, bonding would solve almost everything. He could do it right here, in this moment, and never regret it. But.. I am not ready. And if he had given in to me tonight, if he had done what he really wants, then I would have regretted it, somewhere along the line. But he didn't. And I will never stop loving him for that. That he puts me first. Always." Jim looked up to the Vulcan, who's eyes were still tightly shut.

"Spock has never manipulated me into anything. He has never pushed me. Never asked anything of me. He has never forced me into anything. And he would never force or trick me into a bond, or sex. And Bones.. I know I'm young. And you're right, I'm probably a little naive too. And you know, you can hate on me as much as you want. Be angry, or call me an idiot. And all of that is fine." Jim let go of Spock's hand, moving to stand only inches away from his best friend. "But if you ever come here again, accusing my T'hy'la of not only manipulating me, but also calling him a rapist. I will hurt you. Brutally. Did I make myself clear?"

Bones took a minute, looking between the Vulcan that was still fighting a battle he would never know, and his best friend that he had never seen so angry before. "I understand." the doctor finally said. "The things I said were out of line, and I am sorry. I just want to know you are okay, Jim. You're like a little brother to me."

"I know Bones. And only because I know that, I'm not beating the shit out of you right now." He turned to Spock, the Vulcan's pained expression, the barely noticeable tremble in his strong hands. "You need to go. I'll be back tomorrow night. I promise."

"Yeah." Bones looked a little worried now as his gaze was caught by the Vulcan's slender form. "You take care of him, and then get some more sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." The Doctor pushed himself by the Vulcan. Spock's eyes snapped opened, watching the doctor hurry out of his rooms.

* * *

"T'hy'la?" Jim asked quietly, standing a few feet away from him. It was safer for the both of them until he knew in what condition Spock was. Those dark eyes flicked over to stare into his own. They were perfectly calm.

"I am in control, Jim." he said quietly. "You must not worry." The Vulcan extended his hand, and Jim happily took it, letting himself be pulled into a gentle embrace.

"Good. I was afraid I'd have to tie you to the bed so you wouldn't go after Bones." Jim mumbled, once more burying his face into Spock's chest. "He was way out of line."

"His behavior was unacceptable, and if this event repeats itself, I will make him understand just how displeased I am." Spock said quietly.

"You wouldn't hurt him, would you?" Jim asked, looking up into the Vulcan's calm face.

"No Jim, I would never physically attack Doctor McCoy. But even a Vulcan can fight verbally, if need be. Especially one that is half human." Jim smiled.

"Well, I'll make sure to warn him then. But I don't think this will happen again, Spock. He might never be able to comprehend what is between us, but.. as long as he understands that I am safest and happiest beside you, that's good enough for me." Jim couldn't stifle a yawn.

"It is late, T'hy'la. You must sleep." Spock scolded softly, pulling the Terran back into his bedroom. Jim obliged wordlessly. He loved how worried Spock was for him. How much he looked after him. How much he cared.

Jim quickly slipped under the covers, expecting Spock to once more sit down on the floor to meditate. But Spock didn't sit down. He started undressing, at least until all he was wearing where his underwear and pants. He then slipped into bed next to Jim, urging him to move so he had room.

"Spock, what are you doing?" Jim whispered. "Your control.. I mean this must be killing you."

"It is not killing me, T'hy'la." Spock answered, his voice just as quiet as Jim's. "It is the easiest thing I have ever done."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked, pressing his body against the wall, trying very hard not to let their skin touch.

"What you said to Doctor McCoy. It made me realize something, Jim." Spock answered, moving closer, pressing his chest against Jim's. "You are right. I can control myself because I am controlling myself for you. All this time, I have been afraid of hurting you, and after what happened, I thought my worst fear had come true."

"And now? Isn't this hard for you?" Jim tentatively laid his hands onto Spock's shoulders. "I mean.. how can you lay here so close to me?"

"It is hard. And I have to concentrate very much on not giving in to my emotions. But it is for you. And because of that fact, I know I can succeed. It may be hard, but I no longer distrust my capabilities as much as I have before." Spock said, resting a scolding hot hand on Jim's hip. "You have faith in me. And that is enough for me to have trust in myself, as well."

"..That's probably the most beautiful thing you've said to me, Spock." The human couldn't help himself, he had to smile. "So I can sleep in your arms?"

"Yes, Jim. You can sleep in my arms." Spock replied.

"Do you think I can have a good night kiss?" He could hear Spock make a sound between a sigh and a snort. It was the most adorable sound he had ever heard. But only seconds after, he felt Spock's lips on his own. The pressure was soft, and it only lasted for a second before Spock pulled back.

"Good night, T'hy'la." Spock said into the darkness of his bedroom. But Jim was already soundly asleep.

* * *

_6 months later_

"Come camping with us, Bones." the doctor mumbled to himself, staring through a pair of binoculars. "You'll enjoy yourself. You'll be able to relax." The doctor shook his head, putting down the tool in his hands. "Relax. Fucking hell. If I'm not careful, I'll start talking to myself."

He had been watching his best friend climbing up a mountain. A god damn mountain. The only thing that calmed him somewhat, was that Spock had gone with him. Sure, they might have had their problems, and honestly, Bones still didn't really liked the green blooded hobgoblin. But he had finally accepted that things were as they were. And if anyone was capable of keeping Jim safe, then it was Spock.

The doctor sat back down next to the fire, taking a sip out of his metal flask. He was in the middle of no where, but damn him, he wasn't going to spend his well earned vacation without alcohol.

* * *

Summer had hit them quick and hard, and Jim had decided to spend his vacation introducing Spock to one of the oldest human rituals. Camping. The Vulcan had raised his eyebrow at the idea, but had not protested. And here they were, climbing a mountain together.

Jim had insisted to carry a backpack with supplies for himself, refusing Spock's offer of carrying everything. Jim didn't care that it wasn't logical, and that Spock probably wouldn't even have noticed the weight on his back. Spock always made everything easy for Jim, or had at least tried. But Jim liked carrying his share, and if that meant carrying his own water and food up that mountain, then that's what he would do.

The human enjoyed the fresh air, the wind against his face as he scrambled up that huge monument of nature. And he enjoyed it even more because he knew his Vulcan was only a few steps behind him. That he was sharing this with him.

"Spock, look at that view." He said, as they finally reached the top of the mountain. "Isn't it beautiful?"

Spock let his gaze wander over the panorama in front of him, as always quirking his brow when he never seemed to see what Jim always could. "It is a well looked after forest." He finally stated.

Jim laughed. "Oh Spock. You know, sometimes I wonder if you're looking at the same thing I am. Isn't this just wonderful? The wind in your hair, the sun on your skin?"

"...Jim, it would have hardly been different if we had not climbed this mountain. I also do not apprehend why you wished so strongly to climb onto it. I cannot come up with a satisfying reason. Hiking, as you call it, does not make sense."

"You want a reason why we climbed this mountain, Spock?" Jim grinned at him. "Because it's there. That's why we climbed it. And hiking is good for the soul."

"That is not a satisfying reason, T'hy'la." The Vulcan said. "The sun will set in approximately 6.32 hours. It will take us 5.78 hours to return to our camp, as you call it. We should return. I believe Doctor McCoy will be worried."

"Okay. Drink something Spock. You haven't had a sip of water since we got up this morning. And don't go on that lecture that you don't need as much water as I do. Just because you don't _need_ it doesn't mean you shouldn't _have_ it." Jim took out a bottle of water, drinking what little was left in it. Spock took a sip from his own, silently handing his bottle to Jim, who drank half of its content before handing it back.

"Lets do it." Jim said, pressing a kiss to Spock's lips before starting to walk back down the mountain.

* * *

They were sitting around the camp fire, silently eating the meal the Doctor had prepared, which ultimately was a soup of beans, and more importantly, alcohol. Spock had tasted it, and immediately put it back down. The strong taste of alcohol burnt his tongue.

Bones had thrown some comment about Spock not knowing whats good, but didn't comment on it any further. Jim had grinned apologetically toward his T'hy'la. He would have warned him, had he known.

"So." Jim said as they had all finished their meal. "Spock, I brought you here to show you what humans do while camping. And aside of eating self-made food, we also have another tradition. We sing around the campfire." Bones groaned.

"Now, I'll teach you the words, and Bones and I will start. You chime in when we start from the beginning." Jim grinned, moving to sit closer to his T'hy'la. "The songs called 'Row Row Row Your Boat.' The lyrics are simple: Row, Row, Row your boat gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream."

Spock didn't reply, so Jim looked at Bones. "Come on, I thought you'd just be jumping on a chance to teach him something he doesn't know."

"Oh, bloody hell. Fine." Bones said. Jim grinned, taking a breath before starting to sing. Bones quickly joined in, but as they started from the beginning, which was Spock's cue to chime in, the Vulcan did not join in.

Jim frowned. "Come on Spock, you were supposed to sing with us."

"I apologize, Jim. I was contemplating the meaning of the lyrics." the Vulcan said, turning to look at the Human.

"The word's aren't important you pointy eared bastard. Its just a song." Bones grumbled.

"Okay, you know what, lets just sleep." Jim said, laughing quietly to himself. They all laid down, wrapped into their sleeping bags. Finally, Spock broke the silence.

"Jim."

"Yes Spock?"

"Life is not a dream."

Jim laughed. "No Spock, life is not a dream. Good night, T'hy'la."

"Good night, T'hy'la."

"Both of you shut up. What's a man got to do to get some sleep around here?!"

* * *

"I need a shower." Jim announced in the morning.

"Yes." Spock answered quietly. Jim snorted. "But there are no showers in the forest, Jim."

"I know that Spock. But there is a stream near by. And since I know how to swim, I can get clean in there." Jim smirked, shouldering his backpack, that he had packed with clean clothes. "You guys want to join me?"

"Give me a few minutes to wake up boy. I'm an old man." Bones grumbled, finally crawling out of his sleeping bag. "Haven't even taken a piss and you want me to dive into ice cold water."

"Well old man, you take your time then. Spock and I will go ahead." Jim said, making his way through the forest, the Vulcan walking next to him.

"Bones is such a grump in the morning." Jim said, smirking over at Spock. "Not a morning person."

"Neither are you, T'hy'la. I was mildly surprised at the time you have been getting up on this trip." Spock said, returning the humans gaze.

"Well. I actually look forward to doing stuff here. At campus, I have to endure boring classes. Aside of yours, of course." Jim ginned, nodding toward the stream. "There it is."

"I can see that, Jim." Spock answered, earning a dramatic sigh and a grin from his lover.

"Come on, I want to get cleaned up." Jim walked to the water, dropping his backpack onto the sandy shore, quickly stripping down. The Vulcan stood next to him, watching him a little too closely for it to be innocent. Jim had to hold back a comment. It was the first time Spock was actually being obvious about the interest for the other male's body. Quickly, Jim stepped into the water, gasping at the cold. But he did not stop, he walked further in, until the water reached his hips. The soft stream was pulling at his body, but not strong enough to actually pull his legs from underneath him.

"You sure you don't want to come in? Its not that cold, if you leave your clothes on, you'll be fine." Jim called to the Vulcan at the shore. "Come on Spock. You don't have to know how to swim. If I can stand here, so can you."

"Jim, unlike your body, mine does not produce sweat. I do not have to clean myself." Spock answered.

"Please Spock? I've wanted to be in a stream with you since I was a kid. Humor me." Jim said, turning to face the Vulcan. "Come on, T'hy'la."

Spock sighed, walking slowly, cautiously towards the stream. Jim had to chuckle at the look the Vulcan was giving the flowing water. Of course he could understand why Spock was so careful. Even Humans would have been careful if they had lived in a desert for all their life. When Spock was in reach, he reached out for the Vulcan, pulling him close.

"See? That wasn't that bad." Jim said, wrapping his arms around the Vulcan's neck, grinning up at him. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

Spock simply nodded, placing his hands on Jim's naked hips, pulling him closer. Jim gasped once again, but not because of the cold. Spock's body was burning hot, and Jim felt something very hard pressing into his thigh. Jim knew that Spock was attracted to him, that he wasn't the only longing for sex. But never had Spock showed him this openly.

"Spock..." he whispered, but the Vulcan quickly shut him up, pressing lips against his. Jim sighed. They had kissed a lot more in the last 6 months, but never had Jim been so aroused by a kiss between them until now. Despite the cold water, he could feel himself growing hard.

The Vulcan's lips were demanding, unyielding, and Jim quickly handed over all control to his T'hy'la. He let his hands slide down to Spock's just, resting them there, quickly parting his lips as that impossibly hot tongue requested entrance. Jim moaned. This felt so _good_. He couldn't help himself, he had to run his hands over Spock's body that was covered by what seemed to be a ridiculous amount of clothing. He let them trail down the Vulcan's chest, over his sides, and his neck. Finally Jim had the courage to do what he had been wanting to do for a long time. He let his hands slip to those pointy ears, rubbing the tips between his thumb and index finger. The low rumble that erupted from Spock's chest made his legs go weak.

But the Vulcan did not let him fall. In one swift motion, he had cupped Jim's ass, pulling him harder against himself, making Jim wrap his legs around Spock's waist. He knew Spock could easily lift him, and for once, he actually didn't mind. His own erection was rubbing deliciously against Spock's toned stomach, making him moan into that hot mouth over and over. Suddenly one of Spock's hands slipped away from his backside, squeezing itself between their bodies, gentle fingertips caressing his tip. Jim threw his head back. Never had he felt something so utterly mesmerizing. Just this simple touch was better then any sex he had had in his entire life.

He whimpered, bucking his hips, begging for more attention from those talented hands. Spock captured his lips in another passionate kiss, wrapping long fingers around Jim's member, starting to pump it. Jim could feel his orgasm approaching, and for a second he felt embarrassed at just how quickly he was going to come, but this felt too good, too right, too heavenly. He could feel it building, pleasure building inside him. He kissed Spock desperately, moaning into his mouth repeatedly, ready to finally let go, to get rid of the pent up sexual tension, ready to hand himself over. And just when he thought he was going to explode into his lovers hand...

"The FUCK!" Bones hollered. "Oh fuck, I'm never going to be able to unsee this."

* * *

That day turned out to be one of the most awkward days in his entire life. On one side, there was Bones, ranting on about how they should keep it in their pants, and if they were planning on laying each other to at least warn him, and not invite him to see.

On the other side, he had Spock that, while he seemed perfectly normal to Bones, was acting even more pulled back then normally. Sure, it had been embarrassing to Jim as well, being walked in on by his best friend. But it was a hundred times worse for Spock.

Bones had walked in on him letting go, giving in to his very human urges of touching his very naked lover. He had, for the first time, showed initiative concerning sexual interaction. He had dropped that Vulcan control, and no one else but Jim should have seen it. Spock was highly uncomfortable, and he kept his distance from Jim for the rest of the day.

Jim sighed as he sat next to the fire, rubbing his face as Bones sat next to him, grumbling quietly about young people, Spock across from him, eyes closed as he tried to meditate.

"Bones, come on. We should let him meditate." Jim said, pulling Bones up and away, ignoring his protest. He walked, further and further, until they were finally out of hearing reach.

"What's going on?" Bones asked as Jim finally stopped walking.

"Bones. You have to stop talking about this morning." Jim said, running fingers through his hair. "Look, this wasn't nice for the both of us, but this was like a worst-case-scenario for Spock."

"Kid, believe me, it was a worst-case-scenario for me too." Bones said, a puzzled look on his face. "Is it that bad for him?"

"Whatever you think how bad it is, take that times three, and you'll have how bad it was for him. We never.. actually did anything like that before, Bones. He finally kinda let go and...I'm not saying he picked the best point in time for it, and its not your fault but you seeing that was.. let's just say its pretty bad. So do you think you could let it go for now? You can complain as much as you want now that we're alone but not around him, okay?"

Bones huffed but nodded. "Okay fine. I'll keep my mouth shut if you answer one question."

"Shoot."

"How did you take not having sex for over a year? From what I've seen and heard the few weeks that we lived together before classes started, and you hadn't met Spock, I didn't think you'd be able to go without sex for two days." Jim shrugged.

"I don't know what to say, Bones. It'll probably sound all kinds of mushy. But.. I'm not in it for the sex. Not with Spock. Just the fact that we kiss every day now is huge progress for him, and its fine with me. I don't need him to sleep with me. Sure, I want it and I will be hyped when it finally happens, but I don't need it. I don't miss sex."

"The words of a man that is in love." Bones said. "Can we go back now?"

"Yeah, he's probably already caught on to why we're gone." Jim said, walking back towards camp.

* * *

One day before the summer vacation was over, they returned back to campus. Spock had remained somewhat distance throughout the days of their vacation, and returning to campus didn't really make it better. When sunset came, Jim was back in Spock's apartment.

"T'hy'la, whats wrong." he asked quietly, gently taking Spock's hand into his. "We haven't kissed since that morning. You barely touch me. What's going on?"

Spock didn't look at Jim. The human knew Spock wouldn't want to talk about this, but it had to be addressed. After all the key to a successful relationship was communication.

"Please, Spock." Jim said quietly.

"I am.. uncomfortable with what happened, Jim. Not just because Dr McCoy witnessed it. But also because.. Jim, Vulcan's normally do not have sexual intercourse outside of a bond. I have always held on to that principal." The Vulcan said.

"So.. you're uncomfortable with us doing anything sexual before we bond?" Jim asked, blinking at his lover. "Why?"

"..Jim.. I do not want to sleep with you before we are bonded because, to me, it is not right. I want to be bonded to you when I bed you for the first time. I.. It is something that is very important to me." Spock sighed, looking into the humans eyes. "It may sound strange to you, but sex is something very intimate. I do not want to taint you before we are bonded."

"Hold on. You.. Are you saying that you want to save yourself for marriage?" Jim asked in disbelief.

"If that is how you want to word it, yes. And I also want to save you up for our marriage." Spock replied quietly. "I am well aware that you are no longer a virgin, T'hy'la, but all the others you have been with do not matter. They are in the past. I want to be your future. And I do not want to have sex with you until we are bonded. I want it to be special."

Jim looked at him for a very long time. Finally, he smiled, leaning forward to press his forehead to Spock's wrapping arms around his neck. "That's fine, Spock. I think that's really romantic."

Just when Spock was going to speak, the door flung open. Spock turned his head to the intruder. It was Bones, breathing heavily.

"Bones? What's wrong?" Jim asked. "Catch your breath."

"Jim... just got a call...your father." Bones gasped. "He had an accident. Real bad. Your mother called. You have to get there, quickly."

Jim just stared.

* * *

"How bad is he hurt?" he finally chocked out, standing up.

"I don't know, your mom just said that it was bad and you had to get there right now." Bones said, still busy trying to catch his breath. "I ran here right away."

"God.." Jim felt nauseous. He had to sit down, and Spock was immediately at his side to hold his hand.

"T'hy'la. I will arrange for a transport immediately. Doctor McCoy, if you could go back to your rooms and pack a bag with clothing." Spock said, standing, walking up to his computer.

"Sure thing. Jim, sit tight." Bones said, dashing back out of the door. Jim couldn't move. John. His father. He was hurt. Jim didn't know how badly. He didn't even have the strength to get up, get his phone that Bones had left behind, and call his mother. He just stared at the wall.

"T'hy'la, come, we must leave immediately." Spock said, grasping the human's hand and pulling him up. Jim didn't remember Bones giving him a backpack of clothes. He didn't even remember how he had come Iowa. He came back to his senses when he saw his mother in the hospital waiting room, crying.

He rushed towards her, wrapping arms around her. Spock stood next to them, arms clasped behind his back firmly. Margaret was weeping into Jim's chest.

"Mom. Mom." Jim said gently. "Calm down. What happened?"

"I just.. he was driving, I don't even remember why or where he was going." she sobbed. "He was just gone a few minutes Jim, and the next thing I know is the hospital calling me, saying he was in an accident, that his car was hit by a couple of drunk kid's in their parents cars and..." She sobbed again. "They've been taking him in and out of surgery Jim, I don't even know whats going on, or how he is, its been hours since someone talked to me."

"Wait here, mom." Jim said quietly. Hours. Hours his mother had been spending like this because no doctor or nurse had found 2 minutes to talk to her. Jim's sadness turned into anger all too easily. And the Vulcan sensed that.

"Jim." He followed the human as he walked away to find a doctor. "Anger will not change anything. You are not helping your father by threatening a doctor, as I am sure you are about to do."

"Shut up, Spock. Just shut up." Jim whispered. "What do you know about how I feel?! You have no idea.. you.. You couldn't fucking know how I feel. With your fucking logic and your stupid control..."

"Jim." Spock said quietly.

"No! Save it!" Jim roared, turning to Spock, grabbing his shoulders, pushing him back into the wall. "You have no _idea_ of how I'm feeling! So don't you fucking tell me how to feel, or what would help my dad! You don't fucking know him! Just because you're so fucking cold doesn't mean I can be! You might be able to watch your parents die without a single tear, and you know what, you'd probably be fucking proud of yourself too! But this is my dad Spock! My dad is on that table! Not everyone can be as fucking heartless as you! John was more of a dad to you in that one year you were on earth then Sarek ever was! I am disgusted at how calm you are when a man that has done so much for you is dying! God, and I'm _in love_ with such a heartless, cold creature. I should be _ashamed_ of myself!" Jim let go, storming off, leaving behind a speechless Vulcan.

* * *

When Jim finally found a doctor, he had calmed down, just a little. The doctor informed him that, while his fathers condition was critical, things were looking up. They would return him to his room shortly, and if John made it through the next 24 hours, he would survive.

Jim had quickly returned to his mother with the good news, finding her sitting next to Spock, pale, shaking, and holding the Vulcan's hand. Spock did not look up as Jim approached. He kept his gaze trained carefully onto a piece of wall behind the human.

And for once, Jim didn't care that he had hurt Spock. Right now, he had to make sure his mom was okay, and pray that his father made it through the next 24 hours. When he told Margaret about what the doctor said, she had sighed and slumped against Spock's shoulder. The Vulcan gently lifted her into his arms, nodding at Jim, silently making him understand that he would carry her to John's room.

Jim turned, walking into the direction the doctor had pointed him into, finding his father's room after a few minutes. Spock set Margaret down onto a chair next to John's bed, standing closely behind her. Jim sat down on a chair next to her.

His father looked peaceful. The doctors had done a good job on patching him up. Thanks to modern medicine, at least the outer damaged looked fine. A few scrapes. The tissue re-generator had served its cause. A hushed beeping filled the room. Jim looked at his injured father and felt like breaking down. But he had to be strong for his mother. He barely noticed Spock leaving the room, and didn't notice him coming back until the Vulcan handed him a cup of coffee. He had also brought one for Margaret, who thankfully accepted it. Jim sipped the coffee wordlessly.

Those 24 hours never seemed to pass.

* * *

The doctor came in, holding the newest medical results in his hands, looking at Jim and his mother, giving a slightly irritated look at Spock.

"Its alright." Margaret said quietly. "He's family."

The doctor nodded. "The tests are good. Your husband will make a full recovery in a week or two. He should awaken soon. However, he has been in a serious accident, and I will ask you not to overwhelm him once he wakes. He is bound to be disoriented and confused."

"Of course." Margaret answered. Jim was once more unable to speak. His father would be okay. He would wake up, and he'd live. Jim turned to Spock that was still standing close to his mother. The Vulcan did not look back. It wasn't until then that Jim realized what he had said to his T'hy'la. The doctor walked out, and Jim wanted to speak, but his mother was quicker.

"Spock.. Thank you for being here." She whispered, standing to embrace the Vulcan. "Thank you. I know that you didn't have to, and I'm sure its going to be hard to explain to your boss without letting on that you and Jim are together. Thank you."

The Vulcan returned the embrace shortly, before pulling back. "Do not worry yourself with such things, Margaret. It was no trouble at all. However I regret saying that I will have to return to campus now."

"Of course, dear, of course." she smiled, placing her hand on the Vulcan's cheek, as she had done so many times with Jim. "You get back to your job. I'll make sure to call you every day, to tell you how John's doing."

"That would be most appreciated." Spock said quietly, looking down at her. Margaret looked at him for another second, before pulling back her hand.

"Go, honey. We'll be fine."

"I will inform the school that Jim will be staying here until John has recovered." Spock said, turning, and leaving the room. Jim hurried after him, having trouble keeping up with the quick, even strides of the Vulcan.

"Spock! Fuck, stop!" he finally called as the Vulcan exited the hospital. Spock took another step before he ceased all movement. He did not turn to look at Jim, and the human didn't dare to walk around him and look him in the eye.

"Look, what I said. I'm sorry. I was upset, and scared. But I shouldn't have let it out on you, and what I said was way out of line." Jim said quietly.

"It is a normal emotional response to be upset." Spock answered, giving Jim a second of hope that he hadn't fucked up too badly. "However. I have learned that humans speak the truth most openly when they are upset. You may not have meant everything you said, Jim, but there was truth in it."

"Spock.. please, don't do this to me.. I know you aren't heartless, and I know you'd never be so cold if one of your parents died. I'm sorry."

"But you were genuinely upset with me not showing my feelings when your father was injured."

"I was, yeah, but Spock you were right to stay calm.." Jim whispered. The Vulcan would still hear him. "I'm sorry Spock. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings."

"You said you were ashamed, Jim. Ashamed of loving me." Spock said.

"Spock I just said that out of anger! I was angry at you, at the doctor, at the world! I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Jim pleaded, taking a step towards the Vulcan. "You know I'm not ashamed of you!"

"Some words should never be said, Jim. Should never even be thought." Spock said quietly, finally, finally turning to look at Jim. The expression on his face was like a slap in the face for the human. Blank. Cold. Dead. No light warmed the dark eyes. "Even Vulcan's can hurt, Jim. And even Vulcan's can fall out of love."

Spock walked away. Jim thought he was going to die right on the spot.

* * *

"Bad fight?" Margaret asked quietly as Jim returned to the room.

"I fucked up mom. Really bad." He whispered, sagging into the chair, hiding his face in his hands. "Really bad."

"How bad, Jim?" Margaret asked gently, sitting down next to her son, rubbing his back gently.

"Break up bad, Mom. I think.. I think he just left me." Jim couldn't hold back a whimper.

"Oh baby boy... What happened?" the female asked, wrapping arms around her son.

"I said some things.. some horrible things, mom. I can't even repeat them. I was... the worst human being on this earth." Jim felt like he couldn't breath. Like he was suffocating from the pain in his chest.

"Jim. Look at me." Jim complied, looking at his mother. "I have known you for a very long time. When you are hurt, you can be very hurtful. And yes, sometimes you cross that line by about a mile. But I also know you love this man more then your own life. So whatever you did, you fix it. You hear me?" Margaret patted her son's cheek. "You fix it, and you fix it quickly. You hear me?"

"Mom. I don't think this can be fixed." Jim said quietly.

"Everything can be fixed. You just have to want it enough, Jim. Listen to your mother." Jim nodded. He would try. No matter what. He would try.

* * *

_2 weeks later_

Jim had just arrived back on campus. His father had recovered, and Jim had finally felt that he could go back, to leave his parents in Iowa without being worried non stop.

It was still early noon. Spock would still be in class, so he decided to go to his room first. Bones was sitting on his bed as he entered. When he looked up, smiling gently at Jim, standing to wrap his arms around the human and pull him into a hug.

"How you doing kid?" He asked. "How's your dad?"

"He's fine. He's tough as nails. He'll make it." Jim said, hugging back. "You seen Spock since he got back?"

"Nah, I haven't. Though I've heard some kids moaning about his class. He seems to be extremely strict the last couple of weeks. You got any idea what's up with that?" Bones asked, raising his brows.

"Yeah.. Bones, I was a moron, and I'll be paying for it." Jim said, rubbing his face, sitting down on his bed.

"Okay kid, what happened?" Bones asked quietly. So Jim told him.

"Well Jim." Bones said quietly. "You fucked up, big time. When a Vulcan gets butt hurt about something, its bad. Really bad."

"Geez, thanks Bones. Didn't know that." Jim sighed, leaning against the wall. "You think it can be fixed?"

"I think that you can try." Bones answered. "Guy loves you. I don't think he fell out of love. I think he did what a petty human would do and hurt you back. But.. I can't imagine him not loving you anymore. Too much shit went down for that. You going to see him tonight?"

"I'll try. I don't know if he'll let me into his room. If he doesn't, I'll have to hunt him down after class or in his lunch break." Jim looked at Bones.

"Well. Hope you thought of something good to make it up to him, Jim. And I wish you luck. You'll need it."

* * *

The last rays of sun had barely faded from the sky as Jim knocked on Spock's door. No answer. He knocked again. Again, he got no answer. Normally, he would have retreated now, giving Spock his room, but this needed to be talked about right away.

Jim was scared that if they didn't, everything would be over. That he'd never get to kiss his Vulcan again. Never get to bond with him like he had longed to for over a year. Never lay in bed with him again. He couldn't leave, he couldn't give up.

After knocking over and over for almost an hour, Spock finally opened the door. "I do not wish to speak to you." He said quietly.

"I know, and I get that, and I swear that I will never bother you again if you hear me out." Jim said. "You know I won't give up. We can do this now, and it'll be over before the sun rises, if you want it to be."

Spock looked at the human, and Jim thought he would just close the door on him, but finally the Vulcan moved to the side, allowing Jim entrance.

The human took it, slowly walking into the familiar rooms. He turned to Spock, waiting until he had closed the door.

"I'm not going to sit down, since what I have to say is pretty simple, so it won't take long." Jim said. "I know what I said was horrible. I know that I don't deserve to be forgiven. I don't, and I can understand if you decide not to. But I need you to know that I love you more then life itself. I was never ashamed of you. Honestly, the only person I am ashamed of is myself. I had no right to hurt you the way I did. I didn't mean anything that I said back then Spock, not one word. I couldn't stand the pain, and I couldn't stand seeing you so calm. I wanted to hurt you. And for that, I am sorry." Jim ran fingers through his hair, taking a shaky breath.

"Spock. You are my life. I love you. I will always love. All I have ever wanted was to be with you, even when we were kids, although I wanted to be with you in a different way back then. I know I don't deserve a second chance. But if you can find it within yourself... if some part of you still loves me Spock.. I beg you to let me try. I beg you to let me prove to you just how much I love you. If you can't, then I understand. But if there is even the slightest chance that... I can somehow make up for what I did. Then please tell me. Because I would do anything humanly possible to be with you. Anything. There. That's all I had to say." Jim looked up at the Vulcan, the man he had held so close, and hurt so badly. He looked into those dark hues, waiting for an answer that might never come.

"I have never stopped loving you, Jim." Spock finally said. "Despite the pain you have caused me. I still love you."

Jim sighed in relief. "Spock... You have no idea how much that means to me."

"I believe I do, Jim." Spock replied, walking up to the human, standing so close to him Jim could feel the heat radiate off his body. "I was upset with you. But what was worse is that I feared you had meant your words. Or parts of them. I was afraid that you despised me from that moment on."

"Spock. I could never do anything else but adore you." Jim said quietly, grasping Spock's hand in his own. "I could never do anything else but love you. You are the love of my life. You are everything to me. And you always will be. Sometimes, I'm afraid too. That you wont love me anymore when I get old and wrinkly. What will happen if I die before you. How you will be without me around." Jim shook his head. "Sometimes, Spock, its terrifying. But then I remember how much I love you. And the way you look at me. And then I know its going to turn out to be okay. So, Spock, Can you forgive me? Can you give me a second chance?"

"I am unsure." Spock replied. "I am very much in love with you Jim. But I was hurt in way I never believed possible. I do not know if I can forget."

Jim nodded. "I understand that." He lifted Spock's hand to his face, pressing it against his cheek. "Can you let me show you?"

Spock looked at him. Simply stared into those blue, blue eyes. Then he nodded. Placing his fingertips on the meld points, he closed his eyes, seconds after Jim.

Silence.

And then Spock was hit by emotions so strong he fell to the floor, pulling Jim with him. Love, pain, love, regret, despair, self-loathing. And more love. An infinite amount of love. It was like he was being beaten by Jim's emotion, like he was being thrown around in an endlessly large room, hitting new walls and corners at every turn. The human was sending him so many feelings, for some he did not even know what name to give them. They were raining down on him almost painfully. But Jim's emotions spoke a clear language. They said what words could never say. Spock sighed, dwelling deeper into Jim's mind. The human was sending him images now, not just feelings. Of their first kiss. Of their first date. Their first time sleeping next to each other. Jim's birthday. His birthday celebration when they were children. The day at the river, when Bones had saw something no one should have ever seen.

For the first time in his life, Spock found it hard to breathe. If he stayed in Jim's mind any longer, they would bond. And for just a second, Spock almost gave in. But then Jim pushed him out of his mind, pushed him so hard it was painful. Spock gasped, letting his hand drop to the floor.

"I'm sorry." Jim whispered. "I didn't want us to bond. Not now Spock. Not like this. You once told me a bond should be made out of love. Not out of fear. You were right, as always."

Spock couldn't speak. He simply stared at the human in front of him, kneeling on the floor across from him.

"I know this probably didn't change much." Jim's voice was soft, soothing. Wrapping around Spock like it never had before. "But I needed you to know how I feel."

"It changed... everything." Spock muttered. He reached out for the human, his human, pulling him close. They sat on the floor, embracing each other, holding each other close, exchanging no words, because no words where needed. They listened to the conversation that did not exist.

"Does that mean you will try to forgive me?" Jim finally asked. "That we'll try again?"

"It means you have already been forgiven." Spock said. He stood, pulling Jim up with him. "All is forgiven, T'hy'la."

"I swear this will never happen again, Spock. It won't ever happen again." Jim whispered, wrapping his arms around Spock's neck. "I will never be so stupid again. I'll never put this on the line again. You are my haven, Spock. I need you like I need the air to breath."

"And I need you, Jim." Spock whispered back. A knock on the door made Jim jump. Who could it be? Bones? Who would come to Spock's room at this time?

Spock finally broke from the embrace, walking to the door, and opening it. Jim's breath caught as he saw who it was. The headmaster stood in Spock's door, shaking his head.

"I did not believe the rumors for a long time, Professor Spock. But when I was informed that Cadet Kirk had once more made his way to your rooms after night fall, I saw myself forced to come look at the situation myself."

"Sir, this is not what it-"

"Do not try to fool me, young man. This is exactly what it looks like." The headmaster said. He sighed. "Professor Spock, you were the last person I thought I would catch with a student. Is there anything you have to say for yourself?"

Spock looked at Jim, and Jim prayed that Spock would come up with some way to get them out of this mess, to save himself, even if it meant selling Jim out, making up some story of how the human had stalked him, or anything. Anything that would save his neck.

"There is nothing to be said, Headmaster. I do not regret my actions."

"You are aware what the consequences are? Cadet Kirk is not under age, so you will not be charged, but..."

"But I will be let go." Spock said quietly. "I am aware headmaster."

"Normally, that would be the course of action, yes." The headmaster said. "However. Letting you go at this time will not only lose me a good Professor, but also throw back many students in their studies."

"So you aren't going to fire him?" Jim asked, his hope perking up.

"Not unless he forces me to." the headmaster answered. "Cadet Kirk. I understand that whatever you both have must be special. Vulcan's are professional. I don't believe Professor Spock would risk his entire career for a fling. But what is going on, cannot be tolerated. You are in his class. And Vulcan or not, that will soon lead to students screaming about unfair treatment and favoritism."

"So what does that mean...?" Jim asked.

"It means, Jim, that we have two options. We either stop seeing each other romantically. Or I will lose my job."

Jim stared at Spock in disbelief.

* * *

So, after putting in a night shift for you guys, this chapter is done. You might have noticed that it is much longer then any other chapter before.

That is due to the fact that I will not be able to update in the next few days, and I wanted to provide you with enough material to read while I was gone.

I put in a little gift for those of you that are a fan of the original series, and therefor have seen the old Star Trek movies. If you get the referece, I hope you enjoyed it! If you didn't, I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

I wanted to make sure that this chapter really got into the whole angst and jealousy issue between both Jim and Spock, just because I feel there is so much of it that needs to be adressed. And yes, I put in another cliffhanger.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Your's faithfully

Akikofuma


	14. Despair

And here comes chapter 14. I apologize for the long time it took me to update this chapter, but sadly, my work has been rather overwhelming. Aside of going to University and tutoring younger children, I am also a part time writer. I have been flooded with commissioned short stories, and as much as I hate it, I do have to work on the the things that earn me money first.

I would much rather update on this story daily, but there is simply no way that I can do 4 things at once.

I hope you all understand, and that I haven't upset you.

* * *

Enjoy Chapter 14.

_"It means, Jim, that we have two options. We either stop seeing each other romantically. Or I will lose my job."_

_Jim stared at Spock in disbelief._

"You can't be serious!" Jim burst out, staring at the headmaster. "You just admitted that you knew this wasn't just a fling! You cant seriously be asking us to just break up for 2 years!"

"I have no choice, Cadet Kirk. I do realize this is a hard decision for the both of you to make." The man sighed, rubbing his chin as he took a pause. "I can give you until Sunday night to make a decision. That is all I can do."

"But its already Friday." Jim said, turning to look at his T'hy'la.

"That is incorrect, Jim. It is past midnight, therefor, it is already Saturday." Spock answered quietly. "We appreciate your offer, Headmaster. We will inform you of our decision on Sunday night."

The headmaster nodded, motioning for Jim to follow him. "You still cannot spend the night, Cadet."

Jim wanted to protest, but the look Spock gave him made him shut his mouth. They had already gotten more then any other Student-Professor couple would have gotten. Arguing wouldn't do anything to help them. And so the human gave his T'hy'la a last look before following the headmaster back to his own rooms, promising him that he would stay here for the night.

Bones had woken from the quiet conversation at the door, sitting up in his bed as Jim finally closed the door.

"What's the big boss doing here?" He asked. "Did you get in trouble?"

"Someone told him about me and Spock." Jim answered, sitting down on his own bed, hiding his face in his hands. "He caught us.. well doing nothing but.. I guess being in Spock's room at that time was enough."

"Damn." Bones didn't know what else to say. "So what now? Spock getting fired?"

"Either he gets fired, or we stop dating." Jim said quietly. "So its either he has to find another job, or we spend the next two years seeing each other ever day, but not getting to be together."

"Well, can't you two spend your vacations together?" Bones asked, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I don't think so Bones. The headmaster will keep a pretty close eye on us. We can't risk getting caught again." Jim groaned, still hiding his face, his voice muffled against his palm. "Headmaster gave us until Sunday night to figure something out. If we didn't make a decision by then, he's letting Spock go."

"Well at least you've got time to think it through, right?" Bones said. "Get some rest kid. If you're gonna have to make a decision like that, you want to be rested."

"Yeah. Yeah I guess you're right." Jim sighed, laying down in his bed, fully dressed. He wasn't going to get a minute's worth sleep, so why bother getting comfortable? "Night Bones."

"Night Jim."

* * *

_Saturday_

The first rays of sun hadn't even made their way over the horizon as Jim was already sitting on Spock's couch. The clock read exactly 5.12 a.m.

Jim silently sipped on the coffee Spock had made him, gloomily staring at the floor. Two days. Two days they had time to make this decision. Two days wasn't enough. A life time wouldn't have been enough, at least to Jim. Spock was sitting very silently next to him, unmoving, as if he was trying his hardest to turn into stone and become a statue.

Finally, Jim broke the silence. "No way that I'm going to stop seeing you. I don't give a fuck what the headmaster says. I am not going to watch you from afar for 2 years."

"The are only two other options if you refuse to stop our romantic relationship. I must either find another job, or you cannot take part in my class any longer." Spock replied.

"Well then I'll take up another class instead. I could go into engineering, or whatever else there is. I don't want to be away from you for months on end anyway. So cruising through the galaxy isn't really an option anyway." Jim said, taking another sip of his coffee.

"That option is not satisfactory." Spock quietly answered. "I do not wish to see you alter your career choice."

"Spock, there is no way I'm going to stop seeing you. And I already told you that I was thinking about switching career's anyway. You changed my life. And that means that all decisions I made before hand, don't matter anymore." Jim paused, closing his eyes for just a second. "Would I like to be a captain? Sure. Sounds like an awesome gig. But I have more to look after then myself now. I have you to take into account."

"And I have you to take into account, T'hy'la." Spock responded. "If you chose to alter your career because of me, you would regret it, and following that, despise me for ever allowing it. I cannot in good conscience allow this to happen."

"So what, Spock?! What do you want to do? Just not be with me for the next fucking 2 years? Can you do _that_ in good conscience?" Jim snarled, turning to look at the Vulcan. "Is that what you want?"

"No, Jim. That is not what I want." Spock replied. "However it is the most logical course of action. We will still be soul mates, romantically involved or not."

"That's bullshit. So lets say I do let you boss me into pausing our relationship for 2 years. After that, I'll be put on a ship for god knows how long at a time, and only get to see you on shore leave. Spock, that's a few weeks a year. Is that the kind of relationship you want?"

"It is the career choice you made, Jim, according to your own wishes. I have been aware of all factors before I agreed to seeing you. I was aware that you would not be on earth for long periods of time. I have come to terms with it." Spock's even voice only served to upset Jim.

"Oh, well great. Its good that you're fine with not spending most of the year with me, including the holidays like Christmas, or our birthdays or anything like that. They might not mean anything to you Spock, but they are important to me!" Jim stood, not caring that he knocked over the coffee he had placed on the small table in front of the couch.

"Jim. You are offended by my acceptance of your career choice." Though it was a statement, Spock's voice gave it a questioning ring.

"Yes, Spock. Yes I am offended by you being okay with not seeing me every day, sleeping next to me every night, waking to my face every morning, and spending every goddamn second of our life together." Jim spat, walking away from the couch to the opposite wall, leaning his forehead against the cool material. "I am offended and saddened by the fact that you don't want it as much as I do. And that you don't care if I am gone or not. You don  
t feel a fucking thing. You don't care."

"Jim." Spock stood, moving to stand behind his T'hy'la, gently resting his hands on Jim's hips, pulling him away from the wall and into his chest. "You misunderstand my acceptance. You think that the thought of you being away from me does not cause an emotional reaction. Jim, when I left you as a child, when we were torn apart. The emotions I felt at that time were too much to handle. I was forced into weeks of meditation simply to gain control over my frustration and pain at leaving you behind, and breaking my promise. I could not take part in my education for over a month. The pain was unbearable. And while one could argue that I was a child then, that I should have better control over my emotions, I know that if I allowed myself to feel, let my control slip for just a second, the pain would be just as intense as back then. Losing you would be the worst thing possible, T'hy'la. You mistake my lack of emotion for me not caring, when in truth, it is the exact opposite."

Jim shook his head, leaning back against the Vulcan's strong chest. "I'm sorry Spock. I'm just on edge. I'm sure this isn't any easier for you then it is for me."

"It is difficult, Jim. There is no way to come up with a solution that will satisfy you, the headmaster and myself at the same time. The choice we have been giving is not an easy one. But it is a choice we have to make. And while I wish to agree with your choice, to let you pursue another career, I am not convinced that you will be happy with anything but being captain of a Star ship. You have always wanted to do something that would make generations remember you. Even as a child, you have thrived for that."

"I could be the famous engineer that designed and built the best damn star ship there ever was." Jim whispered. "I don't have to be a hot shot captain."

"But that is what you wish for, Jim. That is what you want. Of course you could achieve greatness in any field you chose to specialize on, I have no doubt of that. But. You want to be a captain. You want to be in space. Just like your father." The last comment was almost whispered.

"It has nothing to do with my biological father, Spock. I didn't even know him." Jim turned to look at Spock, placing his hands on Spock's firm chest. "Why do you think that?"

"Jim. You have grown up with many stories of your father. How brave he was. How he saved many, many people while being captain for just 12 minutes, I believe. You have, and always will, adore the man that your father was. And while you love John as a father. I can always feel that you wished to have been able to met the man that did something so courageous. You may deny it in front of me, you may even tell yourself that it has nothing to do with him. But in the end, it has everything to do with him."

Jim frowned, no longer looking at Spock. Was it true? Was he really trying to step into the footsteps of his father?

"I could die in space." He said quietly. "Just like my father. I wouldn't get a chance to say good bye to you. I wouldn't get to see your face one last time. There are so many things that could happen up there, Spock. Aren't you afraid?"

"That thought is very disconcerting. But Jim, you can get hurt here on earth as well. In an accident like your father. Or by criminals. Bad things happen everywhere in this universe. Even if it happened on earth, there would be no guarantee that I would get to see you alive before you decease, or speak to you." Spock's hands were still resting on Jim's hips, his thumbs rubbing against the humans sides.

"But the chances would be bigger." Jim hid his face against Spock's neck, inhaling the alien's scent. "I don't know if I can do it Spock. Be away from you for two years, and then be on a ship for months, and barely get to be with you. Its not what a relationship should be like. Even my mom and dad were on the same ship."

"I cannot join you on a space ship, Jim. I would have to go through the 3 year training at Star Fleet, and even then there would be no guarantee that I would be assigned to the same ship you are on, T'hy'la."

"I know. I know." Jim sighed, rubbing his face against the hot skin. "I just.. I wished it had been different. I wished we had met on a ship. Then we could have been together without anyone bothering us. We would have been a great team."

"I believe so as well, Jim. But that was not the path our lives have taken." Spock placed on hand on his lovers side, the other at the small of his back, holding him securely.

"Okay... so say I agree and I stay in your class. We just don't see each other for two years? Just in class?" The thought alone make Jim feel sick. "I can't do that Spock. I can't. There is no way that I can just watch you and not be with you. I would die."

"I am aware that this will put a lot of emotional stress on you, T'hy'la. And it would not be easy for me either." Spock finally admitted. "But it is not impossible."

"No its not, because you'd keep me in line Spock but..." Jim took a step back, freeing himself from the Vulcan's hold, looking up at him, running his hands through his hair in an all too plain gesture of despair. "No. Even if you tried to keep me away, even if you bolted your door shut every night. I wouldn't make it. I'd go crazy. I can't do it."

"Jim. If you are sure that you cannot bear being separated from me for that time. That only leaves us with one option."

"Yeah. You'd have to go find another job." Jim shook his head. "Where'd you go, Spock? Where could you teach what you teach here? I mean..."

"I have been offered a job multiple times, Jim. A University has repeatedly asked for me to join their staff. They did not accept any other candidate that I had sent their way. I could inquire if the position is still open." Spock answered.

"Hold on. Where is that University?" Jim asked quietly. "I mean how far is it away?"

"The University is in Phoenix." Spock replied.

"...Phoenix, Arizona?!" Jim looked into Spock's face. "You have got to be kidding me. Spock that's.. I mean its better then fucking Chicago but still! I can't afford to go there and back every weekend."

"I will, of course, pay for the travel, Jim." Spock answered, tilting his head to the side, clasping his hands firmly at the small of his back. "It is not as long of a travel as it used to be, Jim. It can be made in less then 3.46 hours."

"Yeah, but to take a straight transport there will cost a fortune, IF there even is a direct transport." Jim halted and looked at Spock. "You've already checked if there is, didn't you?"

"I have. And there is a direct connection."

"..So you've already decided this before I even came here, right? That you would go to fucking Arizona and leave me here?" Jim's voice was full of suppressed anger. "Then why did we even have to talk this morning? Fuck. Why did I even bother?!"

"I have made the decision to call them and possibly see if there was an open position, Jim. I have not decided to leave. It is, however, something we must consider." Spock replied, his voice soft, trying not to aggravate his T'hy'la more.

"And say there is a position and you take it. Then what? We have a weekend relationship? I take the 4 hour journey on Friday after classes, and then go back to campus Sunday?" Jim asked, his voice too quiet.

"That would be an option." Spock answered, watching Jim pace trough the room as he stood still. His T'hy'la was enraged, offended and simply overwhelmed. He would not react to this as rational as Spock had hoped he would. "It is the most adequate solution that I was able to come up with."

"No, no its not Spock. Who's going to teach your subject?" Jim spat, still pacing the room as if he was an injured animal, looking for some way to escape.

"I have mentioned before that there are others that are able to teach my subject, Jim. And while the University in Arizona refused them, does not mean that Star Fleet will. They are highly capable. I have never understood why the headmaster from Arizona refused to give the position to anyone but me."

"Because they know you're the best. And I bet the headmaster is counting on you talking some sense into me, and pausing our relationship. I'm pretty sure he's going to be pissed off if you leave."

"That is probable, and yet, if he had not put us into this position, then I would not have considered staying." Spock said, taking a step towards the human, gently grasping his writ to stop him from moving around.

"Jim. I understand that it is hard for you. But we will see each other more frequently then when you are on a ship. I am willing to accept that. The question is, can you?"

Jim snorted. "You're just giving me more reason to _not_ keep staying in your class. I don't know if I can make a week without you. How would I know if I can take being away from you for months?"

"Jim. This can be solved. However, you must decide if you wish to be a captain, or not. It is something you must decide for yourself. I cannot decide for you." Spock pulled Jim into his body, placing a soft kiss to his temple. "You must find out what you want, Jim. I can only make a decision based on what you decide."

"So its on me." Jim said quietly. "Its on me if we stay together or we split up for long periods of time."

"Essentially, Jim, yes. I will agree to whatever decision you make as long as it is one you have thought about. Rationally. Not just emotionally. Whatever you chose, I will always be at your side. But once you decide, that decision is final. You will not be able to switch classes in the second year."

"I could." Jim said stubbornly. "It would just.. you know. It would take me longer to actually graduate."

"Jim. This decision will not influence you, but me as well. I must know if I should stay, or apply for another position. This decision is vital for our future together. T'hy'la. The decision must be made until tomorrow night."

Jim shook his head, breaking free from the Vulcan. "Then.. I need to go think about it, Spock. I need to go. If I stay here, I know I'll just make a decision based on emotions. You want me to really think about it. I can't do that with you around."

The Vulcan nodded, taking a step back from the human. "Jim. I wish I could allow you to take as much time as you need, but we do not have that time. I will contact the University in Arizona. If they are willing to offer me a position, I will ask them to give me until tomorrow night to take into consideration what moving there would mean."

"Don't you think they'd be pissed off at you calling them and then asking for time to think?" Jim asked.

"Jim. The bonus they have offered me to join their staff was quite large. I believe that they are willing to do anything they can in their power to get me to join them. Just showing interest will, as you call it, get their mouth watering."

Jim had to smile. "Sneaky Vulcan." he moved to Spock, leaning up to capture a soft kiss before moving away once more. "I'll let you know when I've made my decision. At the latest, tomorrow afternoon."

"That is acceptable, Jim. I will be here." Spock replied, and was then left to watch his T'hy'las back as he left through the front door.

* * *

Jim hit the wall. Hard. Over and over. He had barely made it to his rooms before freaking out. The wall was already splattered with his blood, the skin over his knuckles ripped open and raw. But Jim didn't care. Even if he broke his hand, it didn't matter. He couldn't stop.

Should he switch career's? Should he become a captain? What if Spock was right? What if he wasn't happy with being anything else but a captain? Would he really be upset at Spock in the future? Somehow, Jim could see that happening. But there had to be something else, some other way. Could he really leave Spock behind? Could he fly around the universe for months on end without his T'hy'la next to him? Without seeing him, talking to him, kissing him?

The thought made his stomach clench.

But when he thought about spending the rest of his life in some office, doing paper work, or anything similar, he knew he wouldn't be able to do that for very long. It wasn't what he wanted. He wasn't cut out for it. Spock had bee right. He wanted to be a captain. But did he want it badly enough to actually leave his Vulcan on earth? Couldn't he deal with a shitty ass job if it kept him close to his T'hy'la?

Spock wouldn't let him do that. Jim shook his head, giving the wall another hard punch, leaving the wall unimpressed as before. The only thing he accomplished was smearing more crimson fluid onto it.

This wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to decide between his dream job and the love of his life. It wasn't fair. Jim wanted to be with Spock. He wanted to bond with him, marry him, adopt a child and be a family.

And at the same time he had the intense wish to go discover space. He _wanted_ to be on a ship. He wanted to see new planets, and eventually, he wanted to be captain of one of those ships. He wanted to go places no man had ever gone to.

And again the question arose. Did he want it bad enough to leave Spock behind on earth? To maybe even leave his child behind, if they ever adopted, like his mother had him? Of course Spock would be a great father, unlike Frank had been, but.. a child was supposed to know both its parents. Jim didn't want to be a stranger to his own kid.

So would they never have children? Jim always wanted children. Wanted to watch them grow, watch them learn.

Maybe if he was just a captain for a couple of years, and then just retired? He'd still be young enough for a kid. He wouldn't have to worry about Spock's age. The Vulcan would stay young a lot longer then he would, and eventually he would outlive him.

Did he really want to spend the time they would have together on a ship, away from Spock? Did he really want to spend his life unhappy, caught in a job he didn't want or enjoyed? Wouldn't that make him more miserable in the long shot then being away from Spock?

The next blow to the wall made Jim's bones crack in protest. It wasn't broken, but it was getting there. Jim still didn't give a fuck. So what if he broke his hand? That seemed like such a laughable, small problem considering the other problems he had on his plate.

If he went to space, he might die in space. Without Spock. Without John and Margaret. Completely alone, despite being surrounded by a crew. There were more then enough ways to lose his life on earth, and space wasn't any different. If he went, and something happened, he would take his last breath alone.

If he stayed, he would regret his entire life when he took his last breath. He would blame Spock. Eventually. He would never be completely happy. It wasn't fair to Spock. And it wouldn't do him any good, either. And yet, he could not bring himself to accept that Spock had been right with the decision he wanted to make.

The Vulcan had to go to another University. Jim would be able to see him on the weekends, and during vacation. And once he graduated, they would be separated for a few months at a time. Depending on the mission he would be on.

Jim screamed in frustration. The bones in his hands finally gave in as he smashed his hand into the wall once more, which only pulled another scream from Jim, this time a scream of pain. He sunk to his knee's, cradling his broken hand against his chest.

This shouldn't have been so hard. No one's life should be this hard.

Jim didn't want to cry, he tried as hard as he could to hold back the tears, but they filled his eyes, dripping from his eyes to his cheek, onto his arms, legs, and the floor. Jim had never wept so violently in his life and he was more then thankful that he was alone. If he was going to do the whole break down thing, so god help him, he was going to do it alone.

Hours seemed to fly by as he sat on the floor, weeping to the empty room. He didn't want to make this choice. He desperately wished that Spock could have taken the pressure off his shoulders, made the decision for him. But he knew he couldn't ask that from his T'hy'la. It was his decision to make.

Finally, when the sun had set long ago, Jim had no more tears to cry. However the pain in his hand had increased steadily over time, and by now Jim would have happily taken the sting of a hypo to make the pain go away. Bones wasn't back, meaning he was on night shift, despite being on shift the entire day as well. On call. Bones always stayed at the clinic when he was on call.

Jim decided that it was time to visit the good doctor once more. Forcing himself to stand, he wiped away the tears with his unharmed arm, trying to mask his emotional break down as good as he could, and made his way to the clinic.

His hand looked brutal. The skin on his knuckles was busted off. Blood had dripped and dried all over his hand, and it was swollen to hell. The nurse gave him a surprised look as he showed her his hand, silently answering her question of how she could help him.

"I'll get the on call doctor." she said, hurrying off. Bones would be thrilled.

The nurse returned, ushering him into an examination room. "The Doctor will be with you in a second."

"Yeah, that's fine." Jim said tiredly. The nurse made her way to the door, but then turned around.

"Is there anyone else that is injured that we should be expecting?" she asked.

Jim snorted. "Why don't you just ask if I beat someone half to death? No, no one else got hurt."

The nurse huffed, finally leaving the room, leaving Jim alone with his thoughts and pain. He could fight the decision as much as he wanted. It wouldn't stop being the right one. How much he wished for some other solution. A different way. But it was as it was.

Bones opened the door, looking tired. No. He looked exhausted. "Jim what the hell are you doing here at 3 a.m.? This better be good kid. Good being fucking bad."

"Is it that late?" he asked, lifting his hand. "Depends. Is this bad enough to wake you up in the middle of the night?"

Bones didn't answer. He stared at Jim's hand, sighed, and shook his head. He pulled up a chair, carefully examining Jim's hand. "Well, its broken."

"I could have told you that too, Bones. How bad is it broken?"

"I'd say most of your fingers are broken. Also, a few bones in your hand are injured. I can use the tissue re-generator on your hand and give you something that will help your bones knit together faster. But I will have to cast it up."

"While you're at it, give me something for the pain too." Jim said, looking down at his hand. "Well. I won't be writing anything down with this hand in a while."

"No. Two weeks with a cast. What did you do?" The doctor asked, giving Jim a hypo against the pain before treating the actual injury.

"Had a run in with a wall." Jim answered quietly.

"That bad, yeah?"

"Worse." Jim muttered, feeling slightly drowsy thanks to the medication. "What did you give me? Feel's like you could put an elephant to sleep with that shit."

"It'll put you to sleep alright. I'm keeping you here for the night." Jim scoffed, but his eyes were already falling shut. "Bones.. 's not necessary..."

"Yes it is. Now lay down." Two hands gently pushed him to lay down, and Jim couldn't find it in himself to fight his best friend. He obediently laid down, and was fast asleep only seconds later.

He didn't hear the nurse coming in, quietly asking "We're keeping him for tonight Doctor?"

"Yes, Nurse. We are."

"What reason should I put onto the admission paper?"

"Put emotional break down due to stress. Don't let him read it. He can be discharged when he wakes up."

"Yes, doctor."

* * *

Jim woke to someone gently stroking his face. He didn't want to wake up. Didn't want to open his eyes. Didn't want to come back to reality.

"T'hy'la." Spock cooed. What an odd sound for a Vulcan. But Jim finally opened his eyes. He stared up into the smiling face of his Soul mate. Jim blinked. Spock leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

"Forever, Jim." the Vulcan whispered, pressing his fingertips to the meld points on Jim's face. "Forever."

"Spock..." Jim protested weakly. But Spock did not budge. He made his way into Jim's mind, further and further. Jim couldn't fight him off. He was tired, and it felt too good. He could feel the bond forming in their minds, felt the connection forged between them. Never had he felt anything like it. He pressed his lips to Spock, kissing him desperately, pulling at the Vulcan's close. He couldn't wait any longer for this.

To his surprise Spock pulled back just a little, breaking the meld, taking his shirt off, freeing the scolding hot skin. Jim's hands immediately came up against his chest, roaming over it, finding his slightly green nipples, giving them a soft pinch. Spock growled, dipping his head down for another kiss, ravishing the humans mouth. Jim moaned, desperately tugging at his own shirt. Spock quickly complied, ripping Jim's shirt off his body, throwing it to the floor carelessly.

The Vulcan climbed into the bed, laying on top of Jim, almost crushing the human. But Jim wrapped his arms around Spock's neck. The pressure on his aching member was heavenly. And at the same time he could feel Spock's erection rubbing against his thigh. Jim moaned, throwing his head back, which only resulted in Spock attacking his neck almost violently. Teeth scraped over his skin, then an impossibly hot tongue, and finally Spock's lips latched onto his neck. Jim's hips bucked upward, thrusting against the toned stomach of his lover. He could feel Spock's cock throbbing against his thigh, and just that was almost enough to come in his pants.

He pushed against the Vulcan's chest, trying to get him to move off of him, but Spock didn't budge. Frustrated Jim growled at his T'hy'la. Spock pulled back, looking down at at the human.

"My turn. Lay on your back." He whispered, urging Spock to lay down. The Vulcan complied, though Jim could tell that he wasn't entire pleased with how this was going. He would make it up to him in just a few seconds. It was hard to get rid of his lovers pants and briefs with just one hand, but somehow Jim managed to pull them down just enough to free the weeping member that had been caged in them only moments before.

The tip was an angry green, slowly but steadily oozing precum onto Spock's stomach. Jim had to blink at the sheer size of the member, wondering just how Spock was planning to fit that inside him. His T'hy'la gave another growl, urging Jim to either do something or hand over the control. Jim smirked.

Teasingly, he let the tip of his tongue run over Spock's member, earning himself a moan from his lover. Jim groaned as the delicious sound made his head spin. He had never been with a man and had always thought this would be awkward, but now all he could think was '_More'._ He quickly latched onto the tip, strong fingers curling into his hair, urging him to take it deeper. The alien taste on his tongue made him stop for just a second. It wasn't bad, but it didn't exactly taste good either. He finally gave in to the urging of his Soul mate, taking him deeper into his mouth, inch for inch until he could take no more without gagging.

Spock's cock was hot, so hot, and Jim loved the feel of having his mouth filled in such a way. He started to suck, swirling his tongue around the tip, pulling his head back slowly, just to take it in once more, repeating that action almost hesitant at first, but when he noticed just how much Spock enjoyed it, picked up the pace.

The Vulcan's body was squirming under Jim's administrations, his mouth hanging open with pleasure as more moans slipped from his lips. Jim could feel his own member jerking with pleasure as more of the liquid dripping from Spock's member coated his tongue. He had never wanted to give anyone as much pleasure as he wanted to give this beautiful alien, and he seemed to be doing a good job. Spock's fingers were suddenly tugging on his hair, gently trying to pry him away, but Jim just dug his nails into the Vulcan's hips.

"T'hy'la.. I will..." Spock couldn't finish the sentence. He exploded into Jim's mouth, making the humans eyes grow wide. He tried to swallow as much as possible but finally had to pull back, coughing.

"T'hy'la. Are you okay?" Spock asked quietly, pulling Jim up to lay beside him, wiping his seed of the humans face.

"I'm fine." Jim whispered, smiling. "I thought you wanted to wait until it was official."

"I do want to wait until it is official." Spock replied.

Jim blinked. "But. Why did we..." Spock smiled at him once more, gently caressing his cheek.

"Think Jim..." he cooed once more. "Think T'hy'la..."

* * *

_Sunday_

Jim opened his eyes. A dream. A god damn wet dream. Way to deal with emotional stress, he thought to himself. He was indeed in a hospital bed, but there was no Spock. Instead, the door opened and Bones entered.

"Are you in pain again? Your heart rate has been increasing over the last few minutes." he said, checking Jim's pulse himself by laying his fingertips against the pulse on Jim's wrist. "How are you feeling?"

"Yeah its the pain." Jim mumbled. No way was he going to admit that he had just had a sex dream. It wasn't a complete lie, anyway. His hand did hurt.

"I'll give you another hypo, but then you have to go." Bones said. "It's already 4 p.m. I figure you and Spock have to tell the headmaster what you guy's have decided on soon."

"Yeah." Jim sighed, flinching as the hypo stabbed into his neck. "Spock's going to go teach in Arizona. He said he knew people that could take his class here. I'll get to see him on the weekends."

"Well, could be a lot worse then that, kid." Bones said, gently patting his shoulder. "Now go get it over with. The longer you wait, the more uncomfortable it'll be."

"Sure." Jim sighed, standing up from the bed. He thanked god that he hadn't come in his pants. Although it had probably been a close call.

"Good luck." Bones called as he made his way towards the exit. Good luck indeed.

* * *

"You are injured." was the first thing that came out of Spock's mouth when he opened the door to let Jim in.

"Yeah. This nasty wall just didn't want to give in." Jim joked.

Spock quirked a brow, offering him a seat that Jim declined. "..You should go teach in Arizona." The human said. "..And I'll visit you as much as I can. I trust they accepted you into their staff once you asked?"

Spock nodded, stepping towards the other male, resting his hand against the others cheek. "I am glad you have decided to agree to my solution."

"Its the best way to go." was all Jim could say. Now that he had finally admitted it, he felt like he couldn't breath. The lump in his throat didn't let him. The wires around his chest that seemed to be pulled tighter with every breath he took, didn't either. Jim closed his eyes, another desperate attempt to hide away tears. But once more, his own body betrayed him. The salty drops ran over his cheeks, and Jim tried to hide his face against Spock's chest.

But the Vulcan gently gripped Jim's chin, forcing him to look up. "Open you eyes, T'hy'la." he said softly. Jim shook his head. "Please, T'hy'la."

"I don't want to." Jim whispered.

"Why not?" Spock asked, leaning his forehead against Jim's.

"Its not fair to you. I don't want to cry. I don't want to make it even harder on you then it already is." Jim's voice cracked at the end of the sentence. He was shaking, his fingers digging into Spock's shirt. Hot lips suddenly connected with his skin, showering kisses over his cheek. It took Jim a few seconds to realize that Spock was kissing away his tears. It was sweet, too sweet to bare, and yet everything he needed. Finally Spock's lips pressed a soft kiss to each of his eyes.

"Open your eyes, T'hy'la."

Jim whimpered, and finally his eyes fluttered open. Warm, brown eyes were staring into brilliant blue ones, blue eyes that were filled with pain. Jim swallowed hard, sliding his hands up to Spock's cheeks, pulling him down for a kiss.

"It is not goodbye, Jim." Spock said. "We will still be together. We will see each other."

"But it won't be the same." Jim answered. "I know. I know I'm probably being way too emotional about this. But you've left me behind once. And no matter how easy it is to reach you.. I will always be lonely without you here."

"I will miss you too, Jim." Spock said, wrapping strong arms around the smaller male's body. "But this is for the best."

Jim nodded, taking a few minutes in his Vulcan's arms to pull himself back together. Finally, he said. "We should tell the headmaster."

"Indeed, we should." Spock replied.

"Lets go do it then." Jim pulled back, rubbing at his dry eyes. He had simply cried too much the last two days. But then, every human that was an emotional wreck cried their eyes out.

Jim walked besides Spock. They both stayed silent until they reached the headmasters office. Jim didn't dare to speak. Spock informed the headmaster that he would be taking another position at the University in Arizona, and that he had already arranged for a few other professors to come on Monday to be interviewed. He informed him that by Monday night, he would clear his rooms for the new professor. And that he would leave immediately after that.

The headmaster shook his head in defeat, accepting Spock's resignation wordlessly, motioning for both of them to leave. Jim turned and almost fled from the room. The decision had been made. There was no going back.

* * *

_Monday_

Jim helped Spock pack his few personal things into boxes, while Spock packed away his clothes. The University was sending transportation right to Spock's door. They really must want him badly, Jim thought to himself. Soon, it would be time to say goodbye.

They didn't speak. There was, once more, nothing to say. What could they say? I'll miss you? I'm sad you're leaving? They both already knew that. Saying it out loud was redundant. And it would have only hurt them even more.

When everything was packed, Jim stood, watching Spock close the last box of clothing. The Vulcan did not have many things. All his possessions were neatly fitted in three boxes.

"I'll come visit you this weekend." Jim said quietly. They had gone over the whole thing. Jim would head to Phoenix right after classes on Friday, and Spock would pick him up. They would spend the weekend together, and Jim would head back to campus Sunday afternoon, so he wouldn't get there too late.

"I am looking forward to it, T'hy'la." Spock answered, standing behind Jim, gently touching his shoulder. Jim took a deep breath, turning around to face his Vulcan. He wrapped arms around his neck, pulling him close. How much he would miss him in the few days that they would be apart. He tried telling himself that it would get better, that it wouldn't be as bad once he got used to Spock not being around all the time. That the missing would stop, and the weekends would be enough. Right.

There was a knock on the door. It was time to part. Jim wasn't ready for it, but then, would he ever have been?

He slowly pulled away from Spock, looking up into that blank expression on his face, and yet he knew Spock was feeling exactly the same. He leaned up to press a kiss to Spock's lips. The Vulcan replied with a Vulcan kiss. Then they broke apart. Spock went to open the door, a smiling human standing in front of it.

"Hello, Professor Spock. I'm Professor Welling. I'm supposed to pick you up." the human said, wisely enough not offering to shake hands. Spock nodded at him. The smile on the humans face didn't falter. "So. Shall we pack up your stuff and get going?"

"That would be preferable." Spock answered quietly, turning to Jim. The human was carrying a box, lifting it into the trunk of the car that was levitating only a few feet away from the door. Spock walked into his apartment, former apartment, and came out with both boxes, placing them carefully into the trunk. "I have collected my belongings."

Professor Welling nodded, still smiling brightly. Jim already hated him.

"Well, lets get this show on the road then." the male said, turning to the car, opening the drivers door. Spock quirked a brow at Jim.

"It's a human saying." Jim whispered quietly, taking a step back. "You should get into the car. I'll see you Friday night."

Spock nodded, giving Jim one last look before following the other professor, sitting down in the passengers seat. They drove off, and Jim stared after the vehicle long after it had already disappeared out of his sight, before making his way back to his rooms.

* * *

And there was chapter 14. I hope you enjoyed it! Now, I know, this chapter was very emotional, and not much happened. But it was important to me to dwell even deeper into Jim's and Spock's mind and emotion.

I sincerely hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	15. Longing

And here comes Chapter 15.~

Again, I'd like to thank everyone that has stuck with this story so far, reviewed, favorited and followed. Thank You very much!

Enjoy!

Jim had never been this depressed in his entire life. He thought the pain he had felt as a child had been the worst pain he would be able to feel. But it had been nothing compared to this.

Everywhere he went, he saw Spock. Images of them as they had walked across the campus together. Of them kissing in the city for the first time. When Jim sat in the classroom Spock had lectured in, he couldn't help but miss him even more. His Vulcan should have been standing at that desk, giving them all that beautiful, indifferent gaze.

Jim couldn't walk a step without images of Spock following him. He had hoped that it would only be this bad on the first, maybe even the second day. But it did not get better. He just got better at handling it.

Once, he was so in thought that he didn't realize where he was going until he stood in front of the door of what used to be Spock's apartment. He quickly turned and made his way back to his own rooms, infuriated with himself. He had to get a grip on himself. This was ridiculous.

On Wednesday, Bones finally got upset at Jim for moping around as if Spock had left for another planet.

"He's only 4 hours away, and you're going to see him soon! Come on, get your ass up. We're going to go to the gym." Bones said, throwing a fresh t-shirt at Jim's head.

"Bones I don't want to go to the gym." He replied, angrily grabbing the t-shirt and throwing it away.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I asked if you did." Bones snapped back. "Now get your ass in gear or I will shoot a hypo into your neck and drag you there, face on the floor. You got it?"

"One day, I'll report you for using hypo's outside of medical treatment." Jim mumbled, picking up the t-shirt, gathering a pair of pants he exercised in, shoving them into a small back pack, following the doctor.

"Right. And who's going to hypo you for your almost constant hangovers, huh?" Bones replied, pushing Jim out of the door, not receiving an answer, making him grin triumphantly.

The gym was full. Students were mingling, using the machines to train their bodies, to make them stronger, more durable. Everyone preparing to be on a space ship. Jim closed his eyes. The place smelled of sweat, and it was entirely too warm, but Bones grabbed his arm, pulling him into the changing rooms.

"Don't argue," was all he said when Jim opened his mouth to protest. Jim finally gave in, not having the energy for a battle of will with his best friend. He simply changed, following Bones to the treadmills.

"Now get on and run that anger and sadness away." Bones said.

"Oh and what are you going to do?" Jim asked, huffing as he got on the treadmill.

"I will supervise and make sure you don't pass out and crack your skull open. You can hold on with your good arm, and just rest the one in the cast against the panel. Now go." Jim snorted, but complied.

He started out at a slow pace. But Bones wouldn't give him a break. He cranked the machine up until Jim was sweating, breathing hard, and could barely keep up with the speed.

"Come on, keep going." Bones said, urging Jim to run until Jim literally felt he was going to pass out. Then, finally, Bones slowed the speed, letting Jim slow down as well until he stopped.

"You're going to kill me." He wheezed quietly, getting off the treadmill with shaky legs. "Bones. You're gonna kill me."

"Yeah yeah. Sit on the floor." Bones commanded, waiting until Jim was sitting securely on the floor before handing him a bottle of water. "Drink and rest. How do you feel now?"

Jim took a big gulp, rubbing the sweat off his forehead with his arm. "...Better." he quietly admitted. He did feel better. Like the tension had eased off him. Like he could breath, even though every breath burned in his lungs.

"Jim, I know you miss him. Fuck, if I was in your shoes, I'd probably act the same way. But you can't let it get to you so much. He left so that you could be what you wanted to be. Don't fuck it up over missing him. Put the extra effort in to making him proud." Bones said, sitting down next to Jim, effectively blocking the path in front of the treadmill, making the others walk around them.

"..Bones, you sound just like my dad." Jim grinned, rubbing his face. "But you're right. "

"I'm always right. Now get your ass into the shower. You stink." Jim laughed, accepting Bones' outstretched hand to help him up once the doctor stood himself. He walked into the shower, rinsing off the sweat. And along with it, part of his sorrow.

They had just exited the gym when Uhura came up to them, obviously battling tears she didn't want to shed.

"My god, whats wrong?" Jim said, tilting his head to the side, walking closer to her, about o hug her when she lifted a hand and stopped him.

"I lied to you." she said quietly, her voice shaken. "I lied to you a lot. I do love him. I didn't want to see you with him one day longer. I couldn't take it. I thought that.. if I just broke you up for long enough.. He'd pick me."

"You told the headmaster!" Bones said, blinking at her, then at Jim. "Holy mother of..."

"..So you thought that he'd just break up with me for 2 years, until I was done with my training, and that you could then sneak in and steal him from me, was that it?" Jim asked quietly as he looked at the female standing in front of him.

"...Yes.. I didn't think.. I didn't understand just how much he loves you! I didn't think he'd just up and leave!"

"Well, now you get to live with the fact that you won't ever see him again. And I will." Jim replied, turning his back to her, walking away. Bones just stared at the woman for a second longer then Jim.

"Ungrateful bitch." He finally said, following after his best friend. "Can you believe that?" The doctor asked as he had caught up with his best friend.

"Should have seen it coming, Bones. In love and war, everything is allowed." Jim said bitterly, gripping his bag tight, his knuckles standing out plain and white. "I knew she was in love with him. But I let her wrap me around her finger with her pretty face and smooth talking. I'm an idiot."

"Jim, its not your fault. In history, many men have done stupid things thanks to very beautiful women." Bones said, patting his shoulder. "Its fucked up, but its the way it is. At least you didn't get anyone killed over it, right?"

The young human snorted. "Yeah. Could have been worse." He finally agreed. "And you know, its true. She'll never see him again, and I'll be with him on Friday night. I think she got what she deserved."

"There you go. Always looking on the bright side of life." Bones grinned. "Lets go have a drink. It'll cheer you up."

"Sure thing, Bones. Sure thing."

The hours didn't seem to pass. It was Friday, and Jim had already packed his overnight bag the evening before. All he was waiting for was for his classes to pass so that he could finally rush to his room, pick up his bag, and be on his way. But the clock was torturing him, the clock hand moving agonizingly slow. Just when he though he would bang his head against the wall in frustration, he was finally relieved by the ring of the bell.

It was finally over.

Jim jumped out of his seat, quickly grabbing his notes and running off. The students quickly moved out of his way, not wanting to be ran over. Jim reached his rooms only minutes later, packing up his things, and leaving for the city, where he would get on a bus, and finally be reunited with his love.

The ride in the bus was annoying. It seemed to be going a lot slower then it could have, and Jim just couldn't sit still. He was excited, longing to hold his strong Vulcan, to feel his heat, and his strength. He watched the people on the bus, trying to distract himself from the burning need inside him.

But when they finally arrived, he was the first to jump out of the vehicle. He quickly scanned the area, and all the way in the back of the waiting crowd he finally spotted Spock. His smile could have brightened up a room. He quickly collected his bag from the trunk, ripping it out of the poor bus drivers hand as he lifted it out and hurried over to Spock. All he wanted to do was throw himself at the man, wrap arms around him and kiss him until he couldn't stand anything against his lips anymore. But he knew just how uncomfortable the Vulcan would be at such an open display of affection. So he stood in front of him, smiling like a fool.

"I assume you are ready to depart?" Spock asked quietly. Jim nodded.

"Lead the way, Professor." He joked, walking behind the taller male. "You got a car?" he asked as they stood in front of a somewhat elegant, gray vehicle.

"It was given to me by the University to get to campus more comfortabley." Spock answered, opening the doors and sitting down in the drivers seat, waiting for Jim to sit next to him in the passenger seat, before slowly easing the car out of the parking space.

"You don't live on campus?" Jim asked, somewhat surprised. Spock had always lived on campus, as far as he could tell. "How far is it from campus?"

"It is a 20 minute commute." Spock answered, driving through the cities center, and then outwards into the suburbs. The landscape was beautiful. Jim could see mountains far off, thanks to the clear blue sky.

"That's not too bad." Jim said, staring out of the window, taking in the beautiful small houses they were passing by. He had never expected Spock living in the outskirts of a town. He had always thought that Spock was a city person, happy with living in an apartment. But the area they were passing through was nothing like what Jim had expected.

The little houses were neat, cared for. The gardens were tended to, the green grass looking fresh and comfortable. Here and there, he could see families sitting outside, barbecuing or just watching their children play.

And finally, Spock slowed the car, turning into a neat little driveway, leading up to a beautiful house. It wasn't big, nothing like the house he had lived in with Margaret and John, but it looked comfortable.

"We have arrived." Spock said, pressing a button to turn off the car, exiting quickly. Jim followed, looking at the house in awe.

"Its beautiful Spock." he said, moving to stand behind Spock as the Vulcan opened the door.

"I am glad it is to your liking. It is for the both of us." Spock answered quietly. "I found it the day I arrived here."

"So, wait . . . You bought it? You legitimately bought this house?" Jim asked, turning to look at the wooden stairs that lead up to the second story. The lower floor seemed to hold a small, but nice living room, a guest bathroom, a kitchen, and what he assumed was Spock's office. The floor was wood throughout the entire house.

"Yes, Jim. I bought this house. So that we may live in it until we can afford something bigger." Spock answered. Jim turned to his T'hy'la, placing a kiss on his lips, wrapping arms around his neck.

"Oh Spock you shouldn't have! But.. Thank you. That's very thoughtful of you." He grinned, letting go of the Vulcan to turn to the stairs once more, eagerly climbing them to see what was hiding above him. There was a big bedroom, another bathroom, though it was much bigger then the one below, holding not only a shower but also a ridiculously large bathtub. Here, the wooden floor turned into white tiles.

"The floor is heated." Spock's voice suddenly said from behind him, making Jim jump in surprise.

"When will you stop sneaking up on me?" He turned, playfully batting at Spock's chest with his hand. "One of these days, you're going to give me a heart attack."

"Then I shall inform you that if I do scare you too badly, I am familiar with what you humans call CPR." Spock's eyebrow quirked into that perfect arch as he looked down at Jim, his eyes sparkling with humor.

"Oh? Well if that's the case, I am feeling very weak all of the sudden. I might need that CPR now." Jim grinned, once more wrapping arms around his soul mates neck. Spock looked down at him for just a second before bending his head, gently making their lips meet in a sweet, innocent kiss. Jim's legs went weak, and when he was about to fall, the Vulcan's arms wrapped around his waist, holding him up, pressing him firmly against his own body.

Oh how he had missed this. How he had longed for it. This was perfection. This was too good to be true, and yet it was. Jim could feel the tingle from the kiss spreading through his body, into every cell, into the tips of his fingers and even into his toes. How could he ever go without this sensation for 5 days in a row? How had he spent 6 months waiting for Spock to finally date him, back then when they didn't really know what was happening, and not gone crazy? How had he _ever_ survived without this feeling?

It was intoxicating. Just a kiss and Jim was ready to throw his Vulcan to the floor and just make him his. He never wanted it to end. Never wanted to break from the kiss. If the world stopped existing right now, if it all just went to hell, it would have been fine. He could think of no better way to die but in Spock's arms.

But just when Jim was about to deepen the kiss, take it a step further, the Vulcan pulled back, placing a hand on Jim's cheek. "You have yet another room to inspect, Jim."

Jim huffed, letting Spock direct him to the only other room on the second floor. It was empty. The floor was once more made of dark wood, the walls utterly blank. No color, no pictures nothing. Spock had never been one to decorate much, but an entirely empty room?

"What is it?" Jim asked, turning to look at the Vulcan, trying to quirk his brow at him just as Spock always did. He was apparently not doing a good job, Spock's eyes were shining with amusement.

"This is a room that you may furnish as you wish. I have my office. It is only logical that you have a room of your own, as well." Spock's expression was utterly blank, but Jim knew that Spock was waiting for a verdict.

"Its wonderful Spock." Jim grinned, walking into the room, wondering silently what could be done with it. "What if I tell you I want to make this into a Party room, and bring all my friends and even more strangers here every weekend to get drunk and dance?" He asked teasingly.

"Then I would insist you inform me exactly 2.2 hours before such actions are taken." Spock said, standing utterly still at the door as he watched Jim exam the empty room.

"Why 2.2 hours, Spock?" Jim asked, grinning at him as he finally stopped at the window. This was a nice neighborhood. Probably full of good people, families. It was too hot to be outside now, at least for humans, but Jim would have bet his life on it that as soon as the sun started to perish, and the temperatures were somewhat tolerable, he would be able to see everyone sitting outside, enjoying the evening. Maybe kids on their bikes.

He imagined what his life here would be like. He would watch his son, yes son, waddle around the garden when he took his first steps. When he grew bigger, Jim could teach him how to drive. He would find a nice girl or boy, and one day, he would leave and have a family of his own. And despite the fact that he still hadn't spoken to Spock about children, he felt a slight sting at the thought of his child growing up and leaving him behind.

"Because 2.2 hours is the exact time I will require to hide everything of value or easily broken, and leave to a more comfortable location while you are 'partying'." Spock said, making Jim snort.

"Well, good I'm not really planning to do that then, if it would chase you away." He smiled, motioning for Spock to stand with him at the window. The Vulcan complied, standing behind Jim as the human watched the street. "I might make this a kind of library. Just.. stuff it with book shelves, and fill them up with every book I find and like. Put two chairs in." He leaned his back against Spock's strong chest, closing his eyes. He had to finally say it. The words felt like thistles on his tongue, urging him to spit them out, to get rid of them and finally have them said. "And one day. In a couple of years, it would make a nice nursery."

As soon as he had said it, Jim was afraid of Spock's answer. That split second after saying it, and actually realizing what you said was terrible. What if Spock rejected that idea right off the bat? What if he told him that he had never wanted children, and that this fact would never change?

"Maybe, one day, a nursery." Spock agreed quietly, placing a hand on Jim's hip, leaning his head down to press a soft kiss to the Terran's cheek. "In time, we will see."

Jim let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding. Spock hadn't really agreed to children, but he had flat out said that it wasn't a possibility some time in the future. A smile crept to the humans face. A baby. His baby. Their baby. A child. Not now, but sometime, in a few years, he would maybe get the chance to lay a tiny creature to rest in this room. Saul. That's the name they would give him. Without any reason, Jim was convinced they would have a son, and not a daughter. He just wanted to open his mouth to voice his thoughts when the door bell tore them from their moment of intimacy. He laid his head back, looking up at the Vulcan.

"You expecting a visitor?" he asked. Spock shook his head no, taking a step back from his T'hy'la.

"I will see to it, Jim. If you would like, you can 'wash up' as Margaret calls it. I will try to keep this situation brief." Jim just shrugged.

"You take all the time you need. I'll go wash up and then come down." Spock gave a short nod, leaving Jim in the empty room. The human couldn't tell if Spock was annoyed by whoever was intruding, or if it didn't matter to him. But then, it was hard to read Spock. Most of the time.

Jim made his way to the bathroom, splashing cold water in his face, grabbing blindly for the towel that laid on the side of the basin, whipping his face with it. The journey hadn't been long, and it wasn't a hard one either, but spending 4 hours in a crowded bus wasn't exactly nice, either.

It wasn't until he heard an angry, raised voice from downstairs that he actually wondered who had been at the door. But whoever it was, he wasn't happy. Jim gave another glance into the mirror before making his way down the flat of stairs, the volume of the angry voice growing higher with every step he took.

"You can't be serious! This kid is a genius, and you flunk him in your test? _Flunk him_. He got every answer right! What's wrong with you?!" Professor Welling was standing in front of Spock in the Vulcan's office, a piece of paper in one hand, the other firmly placed on the Vulcan's desk.

"Jim." Spock said quietly as he noticed the human. "Join us, please." Jim didn't know how he felt about mixing in this, but if Spock asked him to do something, he would do it. So he walked closer, keeping his distant from the angry professor.

"This is James Kirk." Spock said quietly. "He has taken my course at Star Fleet. He has also excelled in it." He turned to the human, as he continued. "Every student that wanted to take part in my course had to take an exam I had prepared, to ensure that they know the basics of this subject, that are thought in other classes as well. Jim, if you could take a look at the exam Professor Welling is holding in his hand, please."

"You want me to look at it?" Jim asked slightly doubtful. What was the point of him looking at some strangers test?

"Yes, Jim. I wish for you to look at the test." Jim shrugged once more, holding out his hand to the other professor. The man only reluctantly handed the piece of paper over, but he did. Jim went over the questions, and the answers. Then he laughed.

"Whats so funny?!" Welling demanded. "All of it is right!"

"Spock, I trust you didn't hand out the same books to the students here that you did at Star fleet?" He asked.

"I have not given any of them any reading material for I did not know who would succeed in this exam. It would be illogical to advise them to read something if they were not going to use said knowledge anytime soon." Spock replied.

"So. Does your student have an photographic memory?" Jim asked Welling.

"..No. Why would he?" The professor furrowed his brows, obviously not enjoying this conversation.

"Then he cheated. And he cheated big time." Jim couldn't help but smirk as he laid the piece of paper down on Spock's desk. "T'hy'la, I assume you have a copy of the book?"

Spock nodded, moving over to a bookshelf, letting his fingertip trail over a few books, before settling on one and pulling it out, handing it to Jim. Jim thankfully accepted it, going through the pages. Finally he had found what he was looking for, keeping the book open at the page he wanted and showed it to the Professor. "Looks familiar?" He asked.

He got no answer from the professor as he read through the book, letting it slowly sink. "..So he cheated. Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, turning to Spock.

"You have stated before that said student is quite intelligent. I believe that to be true. He is talented. If I had informed you of his actions, he would have no one to motivate him to take the text again next year, in a second attempt to join my class. I anticipated that he would turn to you, and that you would react just the way you did. However, I had hoped that instead of seeking me out, you would focus your anger for me onto tutoring him." Spock took another look at the test, shaking his head. "This young man is under a lot of stress. He requires my class to succeed in his academic goals. But he does not have the basics needed. I cannot accept him into my class. If I did allow him to take part in it, forcing him to review and understand the basic things and forcing him to study more on this topic, without having a firm foundation of the basics, he will fail. And that serves no one."

"..So you're saying that you're not letting him into your class. Because you think he's under too much pressure?" Welling asked.

"Yes, Professor." Spock answered. "He needs more time. And I was not going to expose him for being what he is. Human."

Jim tilted his head to the side, watching the play of emotions on the human professor's face. Realization, understanding, wonder, and finally embarrassment.

"... I apologize for intruding on your privacy in such a rude manner, Professor Spock. My behavior was unacceptable." he finally said. "I will take my leave."

Jim watched the Professor grab the exam, and walk out the door. He turned to Spock that gave him a look of indifference. "You're a good teacher." Jim finally said, reaching out for his T'hy'la.

Spock didn't answer, but he did accept the hand that was extended towards him. "I need a bath." Jim said, gently pulling Spock up the stairs, giving a glance to the door to make sure it was closed. Spock seemed deep in thought, so Jim did not disturb the silence with words.

He lead him into the bathroom, slowly filling it with water. Spock stood in the middle of the bathroom, watching Jim, and not seeing at the same time. Jim wondered what had the Vulcan so preoccupied. But it worried him. He decided that his own bath would have to wait.

He made sure that the water temperature would be a comfortable one for Spock before making his way to the troubled Vulcan. "Spock." He said gently, raising a hand to the Vulcan's cheek, caressing it ever so gently with his thumb. Spock eyes focused on the human. "Close your eyes, T'hy'la. And trust me." Spock gave the barest of nods.

Jim smiled, waiting for the Vulcan to close his eyes. Slowly Jim keeled down, gently lifting the Vulcan's leg, slipping off the shoe of his foot.

"Jim. I am very well capable of..." Jim looked up at him, shaking his head.

"Close your eyes, T'hy'la." Spock gave him a somewhat confused look, but when Jim did not back down, he once more closed his eyes. Jim slowly took off his T'hy'las other shoe, pulling the sock's off his feet. He once more stood, looking at his Vulcan. Those beautiful features. "Lift your arms." He ordered quietly, pushing up Spock's shirt. It seemed as if Spock wanted to protest once more, but then decided otherwise. He lifted his arms, and Jim freed him from another piece of cloth. His gaze traveled over the naked chest in front of him.

Smooth, flawless skin with just a little green shine to it. Well toned muscles. Perfection. Jim had to fight the urge to press his lips against that chest, let his tongue flick out against it, to taste it. He took a step back for just a second to give his Vulcan a better look. How he had deserved such a divine creature was beyond him. But here he was. Standing right across of this god. And he was _his._

When Jim moved back forward, about to open Spock's pants, the Vulcan's hand gripped his. Jim looked up, but he Vulcan's eyes were still closed. A gentle warning. "I know." Jim whispered. "Trust yourself, T'hy'la. As I trust in you." Carefully, Jim freed his hand, unzipping Spock's pants. For the first time, he would see Spock completely undressed. Jim had to swallow at the thought. It wasn't important. His T'hy'la needed him, and even though he didn't know why, he would do everything he could to make him feel better.

So he pushed down his pants, and briefs, and let him step out of them. And there he stood. Exposed. His eyes closed. Trusting. Jim leaned up to him, pressing his lips to the corner of his lovers mouth, then stepped back. He took Spock's hand, leading him to the bathtub. "Open your eyes, T'hy'la. But just to get in."

Spock complied, those brown eyes looking into Jim's for just the barest of a second, before placing one leg into the water, quickly followed by the second. He sat, the water curving around his body. Jim dimmed the lights before sitting down on the floor next to the tub.

"Relax a little." He said gently. "And then, if you want. You can tell me whats wrong. But for now just enjoy the water."

Jim leaned his head back against the edge of the tub, closing his eyes now, too. They sat in complete silence. The only sounds that filled the room were their quiet breathing. Jim could have sat there forever. Just like this. Knowing Spock was right next to him, safe and sound.

"I was a conflicted child." Spock finally said. "Caught between two worlds. Two worlds so different I could not fathom there was a way to connect them. On one hand, I had my Vulcan father that wished for me to embrace the Vulcan way. And on the other side, a human mother. That did not expect anything of me aside of being who I am. It was.. difficult to try and fulfill both their wishes."

"I can only imagine." Jim answered, turning to look at his T'hy'la. "It must have been hard."

"I was under pressure my entire childhood. And somehow, despite us being so different, I feel sympathy for a human I do not know. I am unsure of the meaning of such emotions." Jim watched Spock open his eyes.

"It just means you're half human, Spock." Jim said. "We feel sympathy for others that have similar issues as we do. We feel the need to want to help them. And you already did. You gave him a break. A chance to breath. You did well, T'hy'la. As you always do."

"I assume you are not upset with my emotions towards another?"

"No, Spock. I'm not. You feel the need to help him. I feel the need to help Bones whenever I can. And while its a little odd to see you have emotions when it doesn't concern me... I don't mind it. You're just being a good person." Jim smiled, once more offering the Vulcan his hand. "I love you. And I know you love me. That's all that counts."

Spock took the humans hand into his, nodding slowly. "That reason seems satisfactory." He slowly sat up, quirking a brow at Jim. "Would you like to join me?"

"Spock.. " Jim laughed, a nervous sound. "I don't know if that's such a good idea. You are.. very naked. And I don't know if.. if I could resist you right now."

Spock slowly sat up in the tub, gently tugging on Jim's hand. "I will control the both of us, Jim. I trust you. The way you trust me."

"Okay." Jim breathed. "But I'm keeping my clothes on." He quickly slipped out of his shoes and sock's, looking at his T'hy'la that laid in the water and looked so unbelievably beautiful that Jim wanted to weep. How much he loved this man. How much he needed him. And how thankful he was that he had gotten the chance to be with him.

Slowly, he lowered himself into the water. He sat across from Spock, looking at the Vulcan, their bodies not touching. The water was hot, but Jim didn't care. He was so enveloped by those inhuman eyes. He felt like he was going to drowned in them if he didn't look away soon, and at the same time wanted nothing more but to disappear into the being that was Spock.

The Vulcan sat still, for just a few minutes but then he moved. The water swirled around their bodies, as he moved closer. Jim had to close his eyes. Spock movements were too graceful to bare. And finally, he could feel the familiar heat. Spock was close, so close. He could breath in his scent. Almost physically feel his presence. He was so close. So close that Jim was afraid to open his eyes.

When Spock finally touched him, it was like electricity shooting through his body. Spock's fingertips connected with his cheek, a touch so light he could barely feel it. A small sigh escaped his lips.

"Jim." Spock did not have to actually ask for Jim to know what he wanted. He simply nodded. Fingertips connected with the meld points on his face, and after the well known silence, Spock's emotions flowed into his mind.

Jim gasped, nails digging into Spock's forearm without him even remembering reaching out for the Vulcan.

Spock's mind grazed his, and it was like an explosion of fireworks, each color attached to an emotion, each emotion attached to a memory, and Spock's memory was so filled with memories of them together that Jim could hardly bare it.

"_T'hy'la"_ Spock's voice echoed in his mind. Jim couldn't speak, couldn't form a coherent thought. He tried to send Spock some kind of approving feeling, something that made the Vulcan understand that he heard him, and that he was enjoying this.

"_T'hy'la." _The soft voice called again. _"Focus, T'hy'la."_

Jim tried. He tried very hard. But he was also very aware of the body so close to his own. Aware of his scent. His heat. His entire being.

"_I'm here, Spock."_ he finally choked out.

"_I love you. T'hy'la." _Spock whispered in his mind, the tune soft and melodic, as if it wasn't of words but music.

"_I love you too."_ Jim cooed back, wrapping his mind around Spock's holding him close, wanting, needing more of the Vulcan's essence.

And suddenly, there was another explosion. Much stronger, much more intense then anything he had ever felt. It was like he was being pulled under water, deeper and deeper, until he had finally reached the bottom of the ocean. A whirl of emotions captured him, a surge of need that he had never felt before. Spock's lips on his while they were melded was the most exquisite feeling he had ever encountered.

Hot, burning hot, intoxicating, wondrous and so absolutely awe inspiring that Jim could not take a single breath. Time, and dimensions lost their importance. Nothing was essential anymore, aside of the connection between the both of them. And just when Jim thought he could not take it any longer, that he would suffocate on the amount of feelings that he was having, Spock pulled back.

And the world went dark.

Jim rubbed his eyes. He way laying on a bed. How had he gotten to bed? Hadn't he been in the bathtub?

Right. The mind meld.

Jim slowly sat up. It was night. And he sat alone in the bedroom. Spock must have undressed him, and then dressed him once more. He was wearing different clothing.

Slowly, the human made his way out of the bedroom, down the stairs, checking for Spock in his office first, but the room was empty. He finally found the Vulcan in the living room, but he was not alone.

A young man, barely his own age, was standing in front of Spock. The Vulcan had of course heard Jim, but he didn't look at him. Jim frowned. What was this kid doing here? It could only be the young man that had failed the exam. Who else would show up after today?

"I wanted to thank you." came the quiet voice. He had gone unnoticed by the other Terran. Good, he wanted to hear this. "Professor Welling came to me today. And he explained and.. I just wanted to thank you."

"It was only logical." Spock replied quietly. "You do not poses the skills needed to be in my class. Therefor, I did not accept you into it."

The boy laughed, brushing fingers through his brown hair. Flirting. He was trying to flirt with his T'hy'la.

"Still." he finally said "I wanted to thank you. But.. I also came here for another reason."

Spock quirked a brow, shooting a side way glance at Jim. "And that reason would be?"

"I would like to invite you to dinner." The boy blurted out. "I-I.. I find you attractive.. I mean.. I.. I think you're really special Professor and I'd really like to get to know you better.."

That was it. The kid had crossed the line. He didn't care that Spock raised his hand in his direction, asking him to stay back. It didn't matter that the boys eyes widened with realization. It didn't even matter when he quickly apologized, sputtering about how he hadn't known Spock was involved. He had gone one step too far.

Jim grabbed him by the collar, roughly pushing him into the wall. Spock's hand came up against his shoulder, but Jim did not let go.

"You listen to me. You listen to me real good, kid. If you get close to him again. If I catch you just giving him a look I don't like, or talking to him about anything but school related topics, I will hurt you. I will find you and I will hurt you. You got that?"

Spock's grip on his shoulder tightened. "Enough, Jim." He said quietly. "Enough."

Jim gave the boy another look. He had made his point. He had made himself understood. He gave a sharp tug on the other males collar making him stumble forward, away from the wall. He kept his grip tight, shaking off Spock's hand as he walked over to the front door, pushing the Terran out, not caring that he boy landed on the floor.

"Get out. Get out before I change my mind and give you a taste of what I threatened you with before now, so you won't even consider trying again." Jim spat. The boy struggled to get on his feet, and when he finally did, he ran, almost fled.

"Jim." Spock called from the living room. Jim stood on the porch for just a second longer to make sure that the other male had really left, before turning and closing the door.

"Your behavior was most irrational. I was not going to accept his invitation." Spock said quietly. "There was no need to intimidate him."

"Oh fucking hell. He deserved to be beaten up on the spot. Hitting on you like that." Jim growled, walking over to his T'hy'la. "You are mine."

"He was not aware, Jim." Spock sighed, lifting his hand to his partners cheek.

"Well he is aware now." Jim said, leaning into the touch. "And if he hits on you again, you'll tell me, right?"

"I will inform you of any other romantic advances." Spock agreed. Jim nodded, pulling Spock into the bedroom with him.

He gently pushed Spock to lay on his back, crawling on top of him, resting his head on the Vulcan's chest. If it was too much, Spock could always send him away. But now, he wanted to be as close as possible. The Vulcan's arms wrapped around his body, holding him close. The alien's heartbeat was quite, almost inaudible. If Jim had moved down to his abdomen, he would have been able to hear it better, but he decided that he was just too comfortable right now to do so. He would listen to Spock's heartbeat some other time.

They did, after all, have all their life.

I apologize that this chapter is so short, but I barely had time to write in the last few days.

But I hope you enjoyed it anyway!

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	16. Parting ways

And here comes chapter 16! Please enjoy!

Again, thank you for sticking with this fanfiction, all the reviews, and all the kindness!

_3 years later_

It was the first time in 3 years that Jim didn't want to go home. The first time that he dreaded to open the door to their perfect little house, to see his perfect soon-to-be husband. His chest felt tight. He could barely concentrate on the road. Delta Vega was still stuck in his bones. Prime Spock.. Jim shook his head, closing his eyes for just a second.

His Spock would already know what had happened. That Vulcan had been destroyed. That only about 10 thousand had been saved. That Spock's mother, Amanda, had not been one of them. That she had probably died a painful and fearful death. That her body had connected to the shattering floor, and probably broke every bone in her body. They would never know for sure. There was no way to find out. Everything was gone. Including her body. Billions of people. Dead. Just like that.

He couldn't remember how he had done it all. How he had.. managed the situation. He was being celebrated as a hero. The savior of earth. Simply because he had been lucky. Lucky enough to find that damn Ship that the Romulan's had taken from the other Spock. Simply because he had decided to follow in his father's footsteps. To fly into the same ship his father had. And to give up his own life to save the one of others. To safe his T'hy'la.

The trip was impossibly long for some reason, and Jim wasn't sure if he was grateful for that or not. The pain his love must be going through. Jim had only ever lost his father. A father he had no connection to. His biological mother could have dropped off the edge of space and Jim wouldn't have cared. If John, or Margaret got hurt, maybe he'd be able to understand the pain Spock was going through. But both of his real parents were okay. And Spock's... weren't.

He was now part of an endangered species. How painful that fact had to be. Jim could no longer concentrate on the street. He steered the car to the right, stopping it on the holding strip. He laid his forehead against the steering wheel. All those things that had happened in the last 3 years. So many happy memories. Jim ran them through his head, one by one.

_1 year before the destruction of Vulcan_

"Congratulations, Cadet Kirk. You have graduated. You will be assigned your post in two days." Admiral Pike shook his hand, smiling at him. "You did good, son. I'll make sure I get you on the Enterprise."

"Thank You, Admiral." Jim said, grinning, turning to the audience. Aside of a couple other hundred cadets and their families, John and Margaret sat in those rows. Spock sat next to his mother, face as blank as an unwritten piece of paper. But in his eyes, in those eyes he could see the approval. The Vulcan was proud of him. So proud. Jim quickly walked down the stairs of the podium to join his family.

His mother was crying, his father patted him on the back, and Spock gave him a short nod.

It had been one of the best days in his life.

_6 months before the destruction of Vulcan_

"Spock?" Jim called out of the living room. The Vulcan had been going through some paperwork he still had to do for the weekend. Jim was on shore leave, 2 weeks that they could spend together. At least the time that Spock wasn't teaching.

It had somehow worked out with Jim on a ship, and Spock on earth. Of course, he missed him dearly. He tried to talk to him as often as possible. And when the longing for his partner became to much, and he couldn't speak to Spock personally, he had written him a letter, filled with his thoughts. Of course he couldn't really mail them to Spock. But he felt better with all his thoughts written down. He had saved every single letter.

"T'hy'la, I must work." Spock answered. "It is only logical that I finish my task at hand as quickly as possible to spend the remaining time we have together."

"T'hy'la." Jim insisted, making Spock look up from his papers. The human was standing in his door. "Come on. I need to show you something."

Spock slowly, neatly placed the papers down onto his desk, rising in one fluent motion. He followed Jim into the living room. It looked just as it had before he had gone to his office, aside of the facts that the lights were dimmed, despite it being dark outside Jim held out his hand for him, and Spock took hold of it.

"Jim. I do not see what you wish to show me." he said quietly, letting himself be ushered onto the couch.

"Its okay. You don't have to see, you just have to listen." Jim answered quietly, sitting next to Spock. "And you have to promise you won't interrupt me. Promise me that."

The Vulcan could hear the elevated heartbeat, could smell the sweat forming on the humans body, noticed his shaking hands. "T'hy'la. You are troubled." he stated blankly.

"Just.. promise me you won't interrupt me okay?" Jim asked again, pleading eyes looking into Spock's. The Vulcan slowly nodded. If that was what his T'hy'la needed, then he would promise it.

"Spock. When you and I met as kids, You were my best friend. And you changed my life." Jim took a deep breath, still looking into Spock's face. "And then, when we met again, when we were older, You were my friend, and my Soul Mate. My T'hy'la." Jim took another pause, his eyes flicking into his lap, before looking back up at Spock. "And now.. now that I can.. also provide for you. Now that I'm earning money. Support you. God.. This sounds so old fashioned and cheesy." Jim laughed quietly, rubbing his face.

"T'hy'la. Are you not feeling well?" Spock asked quietly. Jim was acting strangely. His normally so confident and mouthy lover was so nervous Spock was almost afraid he might have to rush him to the bathroom in just a few minutes. His heart was beating at an insane rate, he was sweating profoundly, and the tremble in his hands had grown worse.

"Spock you promised. Just give me a second." Jim said, rubbing his face for just another second before looking up. "Spock. I've loved you for most of my life, and I always will. And I want to be with you forever. Please, Spock." Jim turned away from the Vulcan, fishing for something he had hid on the side of the couch where Spock couldn't see it.

He pulled out two very similar necklaces. They were simple. Brown. Some kind of leather. A little metal chain hung from the necklce, and at the end a small pendant dangled. Similar to the one that Spock had given Jim for Christmas so long ago. Spock's expression slipped.

"T'hy'la. How did you get this?" he asked quietly, looking up from the gift he was being offered.

"I contacted Sarek. I had to ask before I.. actually asked you." Jim answered quietly. "Amanda sent them to me. She said these were the ones she and Sarek had. The pendants, that is. So I had matching necklaces made.. so we could put our rings there, too." He didn't have to ask the actual question. The Vulcan pendants had said everything. Pendants that only bonded wore. Another kind of marriage ring.

Spock looked into those baby blue eyes. Hope. Fear. Love. So many things reflected in those eyes. Spock had to fight the urge to smile. Jim stared at him, still waiting for an answer. Finally, Spock reached out to the necklaces. Slowly taking both he put on his own. He then moved closer to his T'hy'la, carefully placing the necklace around his neck.

"Affirmative." was all he said before his T'hy'la had wrapped arms around him, kissing him so hard it was almost painful.

_6 hours before the destruction of Vulcan_

"T'hy'la. You must calm yourself." Spock said quietly.

"No! This is.. this is bullshit! I can't believe they called me in! Its our fucking wedding day!" Jim shook his head, rubbing his face as he sat on his bed. "What could be so god damn important that Pike would call me in now?!"

"I do not know T'hy'la. But you must go." Spock pulled his T'hy'la up, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "Go,T'hy'la. I will wait for your return."

Jim sighed, kissing back ever so gently. "We're getting married today. I promise. I'll be back as soon as I can. And once we're married we'll bond. Wait for me, T'hy'la. Wait for me."

_3 hours before the destruction of Vulcan_

"I need to talk to him before I leave!" Jim hollered as Bones pulled him towards the ship.

"Like shit you have to. Its a emergency, a fucking distress signal from Vulcan! Get your ass on that god damn ship! You can tell him what happened once we found out whats going on!

Jim closed his eyes and gave into his faith. If he had only know what he was about to witness.

_3 hours after destruction of Vulcan_

Emptiness. Where Vulcan had been, there was nothing. Jim stared up into the sky as he followed future Spock to the Star Fleet base. Utter emptiness. It was all too much.

Here he was, on a damn ice planet, only barely escaping death twice. Those things, following him, almost ending him was bad enough. But future Spock made it even worse. The mind meld had given Jim a taste of what his Spock would go through once he heard what happened to his home planet.

The feeling was unbearable. Jim had to break away from the Vulcan, walk away and calm himself, before he could even form words. The entire planet. Gone. Pulled into a black hole.

Mass genocide. Committed by just one Romulan. Nero. Jim swore that if he got his hands on the Romulan, he would make him pay. Pay for the pain of thousands of Vulcan's and the loss of so many lives.

And for the first time he was actually glad that Spock was not on the ship with him. That he had not had the chance to watch his planet die. To try and save his people. He knew Spock would have gone down there, on that dying planet and tried to save all of them. Instead, Jim had beamed down after he was informed that the high council was probably hiding away where they could not be beamed up from.

And he had saved many. But not Spock's mother.

And here he was. Sitting in his car. Dreading to go home. Not knowing if he could take the pain in his Vulcan's eyes. If he was ready to explain to him why his mother was dead. Why he hadn't been able to save her. Why he had broke his promise to come back and marry him.

They had waited for so long. Jim had wanted both a Vulcan and a human wedding. Everything had been planned and ready. Everything had been waiting. But there had been no wedding. There had been a mass genocide instead. Jim shook his head. He needed to keep going. His T'hy'la was alone and he needed his human.

He took one last breath to steady himself, continuing his journey. The closer he got the worse he felt. He wanted to finally get to Spock, wrap his arms around him, press kisses to his lips over and over until the Vulcan felt better, and if that took years, then that's what he would do.

Finally, he arrived at their home. It looked perfectly normal. Nothing hinted at the situation. That the person, the man that lived in that house was in unbelievable pain. Jim got out of his car, locking it. He walked up to the door, slowly. He could feel himself shake. In what state would Spock be?

He opened the door. Against his urges, he did not call for his T'hy'la. There was only one place he could be. Jim walked up the stair, not bothering to be quiet. Spock would have already heard him walking up to the porch. And he found his T'hy'la in the little library they had, staring at the picture his mother had sent them when they got engaged. It was a picture of herself and Spock. The Vulcan had been a toddler, maybe 3 years old, securely held by his mother. Amanda was smiling, waving into the camera. Spock had the same serious expression he had always had. Even as a child. Back then, Jim had chuckled at the picture. Now he just stared at his T'hy'la.

"Spock." he said quietly, moving closer to the Vulcan that held the picture of his dead mother in his hand. Jim wanted to apologize. To say he was sorry, that he had tried, really tried to save as many as he could. That the entire fleet had done their best to save his people. He wanted to hold him, cradle him against his chest, share his pain. How much he wanted to console his mate.

"T'hy'la." came Spock's quiet answer. But he didn't turn around. His eyes were fixed on the picture in his hands. "Sarek?" He asked quietly.

"He's alive." Jim said quietly. Here it went. He had to tell him that his mother was dead. That she was dead and gone.

"My mother?" Jim could detect the smallest tremble in Spock's voice. It felt like Spock already knew. Already felt that she was gone. That all he needed was to hear it to make it come true.

"..She didn't make it, T'hy'la." Jim answered quietly. He waited for Spock to react but the Vulcan didn't move. He kept staring down at the picture, perfectly still. Jim took a step closer. It wasn't until then that he saw the tears running across Spock's cheeks. Never had he seen his Vulcan cry. The sight of it broke his heart. He surged forward, whirling the Vulcan around, wrapping arms around his tall frame, holding him close.

"I'm so sorry, Spock. I'm so sorry." he whispered into the Vulcan's chest. "I'm sorry. God T'hy'la... I'm so sorry."

Spock still didn't budge. He let his human hold him as he silently wept. Wept for his mother. For all those lost. For his planet. For all that had been, and now was gone.

It took days for Spock to recover. Jim was constantly at his side, never leaving his T'hy'la for more then a few minutes at a time. Spock didn't speak. Jim didn't make him. They sat together in their self chose silence, holding hands. Jim didn't know how much time went by.

Spock was untypically clingy. He followed Jim wherever he went. When Jim cooked he sat at the table. Spock himself refused all food. Jim watched his T'hy'la deteriorate in front of him, but there was nothing he could do. Spock needed time.

Finally, one day, Spock spoke once more. "T'hy'la." he said quietly. The humans head snapped up to look at the Vulcan.

"Yes, T'hy'la?" he replied. Spock raised his hand to Jim's face, fingertips hovering over the meld points in his face. Silently asking for permission. Finally ready to share. Jim nodded, closing his eyes.

He felt those hot fingertips connecting with his face. The emotions that soon poured into him almost brought him to his knee's.

Pain. Such unbelievable pain that Jim started to cry, to scream like a child, but when Spock tried to pull back, Jim wrapped his mind around the Vulcan's, pulling him deeper into his own. No matter how big the pain was, how hard it was to stand Spock's feelings, and how vulnerable he felt, Spock needed this.

Jim tried to answer the incoming emotions with his own. Sorrow. Pain. Love. Sympathy. He tried to make Spock understand, let him feel how much he loved him, how much he hated his T'hy'la being in pain, how much he wished to help. He wanted to let him know that he was here for him, that whatever he needed, he would give it. That Spock could confide in him, and that whatever was coming, they would tackle it together. That they would make it, as long as they stayed together. That this was not the end.

Spock answered Jim with a surge of his own love. Gratefulness. Understanding. And despite the fact that Jim was still weeping and screaming, letting out not only his own feelings, but also Spock's, Jim had never felt so connected to his T'hy'la as now.

They would get through this. Together.

"I wish to go to New Vulcan to aid my people."

The statement made Jim almost choke on the water he was drinking. 2 weeks has gone by since Vulcan had been destroyed. New Vulcan had been found. A planet that would give a home to the left over Vulcan's. A second chance.

"What?" Jim turned to look at Spock. "What do you mean you want to go to New Vulcan? I mean.. for how long?"

"Until the situation of all Vulcan's is satisfactory." Spock answered, looking at the Terran from the other side of the table. "Approximately 9.73 years, if the progress is made as swiftly as possible."

Jim gaped at the Vulcan. He had to have misunderstood. Spock didn't really want to move to new Vulcan, did he? For years?

"Spock.. I.. I understand that you want to go to New Vulcan and help, I really do but.. I mean.. I just talked to Pike about retiring!" Jim stood, pressing his palms against the table firmly. "I.. You know I wanted to stay on earth with you. We talked about this!"

"We have discussed it, T'hy'la, but I was not aware that it had been decided as I did not state that I was willing to go along with this decision." Spock answered, looking up at the Human.

"...Okay. Well we better talk about it now, then." Jim said. He was devastated. "I mean.. what. What were you planning to do?"

"I wish to go to New Vulcan. And I want you to come with me." Spock said quietly. "I want you, T'hy'la, to come live with me on New Vulcan."

Jim blinked. "Spock... T'hy'la.. You have got to be kidding me. I cant.. I cant move to New Vulcan! I'm a human Spock, I'm not made to live on a desert planet. I.. I'm not made to live without other humans."

"My mother has showed that it is possible to live among Vulcan's." Spock said quietly, looking up at the human with an arched eyebrow.

"Spock..." Jim shook his head, rubbing his face as he turned away from his T'hy'la. "I don't.. I don't think I can do it. I love you. I love you more then anything. I love you so much it hurts. But once you kept me from doing something that I would have been unhappy with. Switching my career path. You knew I'd be miserable... and... this time.. I know I will be if I follow you to New Vulcan. I can't do it Spock. I'm sorry. We have to find another way."

"There is no other solution. My people are in need. It is only logical that I follow them to our new home, and help, Jim. I cannot leave them in such a time." Spock stood as well, stepping to stand behind his T'hy'la. "Please, Jim. You must understand that this is not debatable. You must understand my need to help."

"Spock, I understand that you want to help. I understand that you want to give your best to make sure everything goes back to normal for all Vulcan's as quickly as possible. And if I was for a few months, fuck, even a year... But 10 years?" Jim shook his head, turning to look at Spock. "I'm sorry Spock. I can't do it. I can't live on New Vulcan for 10 years. Your mother was stronger then I am. I can't take being looked at as the weak one. The condescending looks. You might not do it, Spock. But when I told your father.. I knew he thought I wasn't good enough for you. And that's not going to change. I can't go to New Vulcan with you for 10 years."

He turned to face his T'hy'la. Spock looked at him blankly. Once more every emotion was washed from his face. Even from his eyes. He took a step forward, wanting to embrace his love, to kiss him and tell him that they'd figure out something that would work for both of them. That they'd find some way out of this. He wanted to curl up against that strong chest , be embraced by those strong arms. He wanted to feel the warmth radiate off of his Vulcan, wanted it to warm his entire body, his aching heart. There had to be a way. He didn't believe in no win scenarios.

Spock took another step forward, leaning his forehead against Jim's, offering a Vulcan kiss. Jim quickly complied, pressing his fingertips to Spock's, letting his own fingers be caressed by much hotter, and much more elegant ones. He closed his eyes, enjoying the close contact they had, enjoyed the kiss they were sharing. He looked up, moving in for a real kiss. But Spock shook his head, taking a step back, breaking the Vulcan kiss in the progress.

"Jim. You will always be my T'hy'la." he said, his voice quiet, strained, as if it hurt to form the words and bring them over his lips. Realization dawned on Jim's face.

"No. No." he whispered. "Spock what are you doing?"

"I need to aid my people, at all cost. I need to go to New Vulcan." Spock turned away from his T'hy'la, clasping his arms at the small of his back. "...If you do not wish to accompany me, then our ways will part."

It was like he had punched Jim in the gut. Hard. The human felt sick, his stomach sat in knots. He couldn't breath. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be the end. There had to be a way.

"No.. Spock please. Don't do this." he begged, walking around, looking at his T'hy'las face. The Vulcan was carefully avoiding his gaze, staring at the wall. "Don't do this, please." Jim whimpered.

Spock shook his head. "I must go, Jim. I was aware that living on New Vulcan might pose a problem. But I was not aware that it would be such an unbearable thing for you."

"Then lets think of something else!" Jim pleaded. "Maybe... maybe we can go there for a couple of months! Maybe we can.. go there for a few months, then come back to earth, then go back.. I just.. please Spock! Don't do this to me!"

Finally Spock looked down at him. "I cannot simply come and go, Jim. These are my people. And they need me."

Jim stared up at him, trying to blink away the tears, trying to grasp the meaning of all of this. This couldn't be happening. This had to be a bad dream. But when he looked into Spock's eyes he knew this was very real. Pain was mirrored in those endless hues as clearly as he had ever seen. Spock was sad. But he was going to go anyway. And Jim couldn't let him go.

"T-Then I'll come with you!" He said, curling his fingers into the Vulcan's shirt, pulling him close, rubbing his cheek against the warmth of his chest. "I'll come with you. I'll live on New Vulcan with you until everything's done."

He could feel Spock's hands curl around his own, gently pulling his clawing hands off the fabric, bringing them up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to each knuckle. Jim held back the tears, smiling up at him. Thinking he had done it. That Spock would stay with him now, if he only went to New Vulcan.

"You cannot come with me." Spock whispered, still holding Jim's hands in his own. "You are right. You need the company of other humans. It was egoistical to think that you would be happy."

"N-No, Spock, I swear, I can get used to it! I can get used to it, I promise! I'll be fine there, I'll be perfectly fine!" Jim whimpered, blabbing on about how he would make it until Spock silenced him. Soft fingers pressed against his lips.

"I cannot let you do this, Jim. Just like back then. I will ensure your happiness. And you cannot find happiness on New Vulcan."

"Then stay with me! Don't leave me Spock!" Jim couldn't hold back the tears any longer. They slipped over his cheek, one steady flow. "I can't be happy without you, either. I can't. I I need you! And if I have the choice of going with you, or not seeing you for years at a time... No. I can't. I need to be with you!"

"Jim..." Spock closed his eyes, wrapping arms around his T'hy'la. Jim sobbed into his chest, his entire body trembling. He couldn't lose Spock, couldn't let him go, not again. He wouldn't survive. He held on to the Vulcan for what seemed like hours.

When Spock pulled back, Jim noticed he was holding the necklace the human had been wearing around his neck in his hands.

"Spock.. what.." Spock interrupted him quickly, his voice firm as he spoke.

"..You will always be my T'hy'la, and you will be mine. And because you are, I will set you free." Jim didn't react. He just stared. His color had drained out of his face. The gentle trembling grew more violent. He couldn't speak. There were no words that he could think of, because the entire situation just didn't make sense. It didn't make sense. They were going to spend their life together. That's what they had always wanted. Always.

"I am setting you free, T'hy'la, so you may find someone to make you happy. Someone that does not ask so much for you. I want you to find a partner.. that can give you what you need." Spock quietly said, now taking off his own necklace. He held them in his hands, looking down at them, running fingertips over the metal of the pendant. "Someone that deserves you."

Something broke, deep inside of Jim. As if someone had stuck a glass ball into his abdomen, and let it explode. The shards were everywhere. Digging into every organ, every cell, everything inside him. It didn't show on the outside. But the shards were drilling into him, turning, making the wounds bigger, making the pain worse, making him bleed. He kept staring at Spock, unable to move.

The Vulcan stepped forward, taking Jim's hand into his own, gently placing the necklaces into his hand. "This is my gift to you. And you may give it to whoever you chose to be with you. And when you have children. You may pass along your Christmas gift that I gave you a long time ago. And your children will pass it on to their children. I will always be a part of you. And you will always be a part of me, James Kirk."

Jim blinked, his eyes slowly moving to look at the necklaces he was holding. Spock had pulled back his hand, lifting it almost as if he wanted to stroke his cheek, but then pulled back once more.

"..I must go, Jim. Live long and prosper. I have, and always shall be, yours." Jim still couldn't move. His body was numb. He didn't look up as Spock left. He didn't move when he heard a car leaving the drive way. He didn't move when silence enveloped him. This had to be a bad dream. A cruel joke. Something, anything. Just not the truth. When he finally came back to his senses, night had fallen. And he was alone in the house that had been bought for the both of them. With a room that was going to be turned into a nursery and would now forever remain empty. A house that was supposed to be filled with joy, and was now left in pain and agony.

Jim slowly made his way up to their bedroom, no, his bedroom now. He pulled out one of Spock's sweaters. It smelled like the Vulcan. New tears ran down his cheeks as he curled up on the bed, clutching the necklaces and shirt to his chest tightly. He closed his eyes. He was in his own world now. A world consisting of all the happy memories they had shared, starting with the day they had met as children. The day Spock told him he trusted him. The Vulcan's birthday party when they were small. Meeting him again. The first time they admitted their feelings for each other. Their first date. That first kiss. The time they went camping. The mind melds. His graduation day. The day Spock had agreed to marry him.

And once he had gone over each and every happy memory, he started over at the beginning. This was his world. The place were he was safe. Where he could be with Spock as much as he wanted, for as long as he wanted. Here, on the bed with sheets that carried the scent, with the necklaces in his hand that were supposed to hang around their necks for the rest of their life. He cast away the pain. He cast everything away. All he wanted was to drown in his memories. Over and over, his mind went through the times they had been happy. A small smile appeared on the humans face as he closed his eyes.

Here he was safe. As safe as he would ever be again.

A few days later, there were knocks at the door. Jim ignored them. Whoever had knocked would leave again. He didn't answer the phone. He didn't move off the bed. This was his sanctuary. This was where he would lay for the rest of his life, surrounded by nothing but happiness. The knocking stopped, and the silence returned.

Time had no more meaning. He did not know how long he had been laying here, or how long it had been since he had laid himself to rest. Day or night didn't matter. Nothing was important. He was with Spock, captured in his memories.

Someone knocked on the door again. Jim turned his back to the door. They would go away just like they had the first time. They would leave him alone, and he was grateful for that. All he needed was in this room, on this bed. Never would he need anything else.

He heard a loud sound from downstairs, but he didn't care. If they were thieves, they could take everything they wanted, anything that was not on the bed with him. He didn't need any of the other things. They were absolutely meaningless.

It wasn't until someone put their hand on his shoulder that he finally reacted. His eyes opened every so slowly, staring up into a familiar face, but for the life of him he couldn't remember who it was.

"Jim. Come on, we gotta go." Bones said quietly, looking over to Admiral Pike that was standing at the door.

"I can't. I have to stay here." Jim whispered, closing his eyes once more, curling up tighter.

"Jim.. you have to go. Please. Come on." the doctor tried to pull Jim off the bed, but suddenly, energy came back to Jim. He slapped Bones hands away, moving to the far side of the bed, trying to escape the man that wanted to take his happiness from him. When a second pair of arms wrapped around him, pinning his arms close to his body, Jim screamed. He screamed, pleaded and begged them to leave him be. Whoever these men were, they didn't understand what they were doing to him. They were taking him away from Spock, they were forcing him to leave him behind. He begged them to understand, to let go as they dragged him down the stairs. Even together the men had a hard time getting the human to the car. Jim struggled, fought as if his life depended on it, and to him, it did.

He couldn't leave Spock. He couldn't be without him. And all he had left were his clothes, the bed they had shared, and his memories. He tried to make them understand that he would die if they took him away, and it wasn't until Bones hypoed him that he slowly started to calm down.

His head rested on the doctors lap, as he stared up to the ceiling. Jim felt tired. So tired. He heard the men talking to each other about someone's condition. He didn't understand who they were referring to, or why they kept saying his name. He was fine. They had simply taken him from where he was supposed to be.

Jim closed his eyes, allowing himself to drift off to sleep.

Damned to spend his life without Spock. Until the day he died.

**The End**

Well. What do you guys think? I hope you enjoyed the chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it! Oh the feels.~

For everyone that's freaking out now, about to go to type an angry review: This is not the end. Well. Not really. Maybe?

Its up to you. If you'd like a sequel to this, leave me a comment or a PM.

Thank you for sticking with me and my fanfiction for so long!

It was a wonderful time, and I am so thankful that so many enjoyed my story.

If I do write a sequel, I do hope to see each and every one of you again!

Thank you for everything.

Yours faithfully

Akikofuma


	17. Important Authors Note!

Hello to everyone that read my story!

Thank You! Thank You so much for sticking with me all this time, and commenting and all that! I am really grateful for that!

Now, many have been requesting a sequel. Did I plan on making one?

In all honesty? No. No I wasn't going to write a sequel because sometimes life sucks and sometimes people that belong together just don't get a chance to actually _be_ together.

But you guys have been sending me so many PM's and review's that made me change my mind.

So yes, yes there **will** be a sequel.

When?

I do not know. Not immediately. I really want to take a break from that story. But I will promise that the first chapter will be up my fall. I will put a notice in here once the story is up so none of you guys can miss it!

Also:

I am having this story printed and made into books. I've already offered to sell and send a copy to some of you in a PM, but I simply can't go through all reviews and send a message if I want to start a new story anytime soon.

I honestly don't know how much it will cost. Of course, the more copies are ordered, the cheaper it will be. I would really like to send you all copies for free, but I simply don't have the funding for that.

However, I will pay the shipping costs.

This is a **limited offer!** Simply because once I put it into production, I can't change the amount of copies. Please, if You would like a copy, let me now until the 14th of July!

Last but not least:

Please check out my new Kirk/Spock fanfiction! I will be posting the first chapter soon!

Thank you guys again for everything, and taking the time to read this.

Yours sincerely,

Akikofuma


	18. Still Waters

Just a note to let all of you know that the first chapter of my new Story "Still Waters" is up!

I hope you take a look as well,and tell me what you think!

Thank you in advance!

Yours faithfully,

Akikofuma


	19. Sequel is up!

Finally, I uploaded the first chapter of the sequel of this story, called "Tolle Fors"!

I hope you have the time to drop in and read it!

Thank you for sticking around, and enjoy the new story!

Your's faithfully.

Akikofuma


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